AIBU to worry my 15-year-old son will stay short?

[Peonytimeguys]

I know it matters to him. He will say something (about how the girls tell him
height is the most important thing for them!) and then clam up but he internalises it, I know- he keeps expecting another growth spurt but who can say that will happen.

i know all the right things to say and I say them. I reflect on how it doesn’t matter, that it’s important build a life on better, less shallow values than how we look. Equally (yes I know therein lies contradictions) I tell him how gorgeous (he is, genuinely) looking, smart, funny and a good person he is. And kids are cruel and school is brutal yada yada

But inside I do think the world is brutal, harsh re what women go for (even the dating apps have height filters) and as much as I try to reject the nonsense, my heart hurts that he will be judged and rejected in love etc - even though I fully realise there are many reasons we get judged, height is just one of them!

He is 15.5yrs, 5ft 6. He shot up about 6 inches in a year - was always on the v short side now less so. Late developer? No facial or underarm hair. Dad is 5ft 8, im 5ft 3. His feet aren’t big

From his genetics with his dad at 5'8" (1 inch shorter than average for men in the uk) and you at 5'3" (1 inch shorter than average for women in the uk) then unless either you or DH are unusual compared to your own parents and siblings (which would suggest a recessive gene) he will probably end up at about 5'8". My 16.5yo has grown another 2 inches in the past couple of years and may not have stopped yet.

However your DS would not be particularly unusual if he does stop at 5'5" - he would still be as tall as or taller than roughly a third of adult men.

He is catastophising from the immature attitude of a relatively small circle of current female acquaintances. The girls he knows are obviously still quite immature and so is he. Children equate height with authority and power because bigger kids and adults have all the power. Once you are an adult in a world of adults, only the shallow and vaccuous give that kind of attitude much weight. On the dating sites (which he may never have to use if he meets people regularly in real life) the height filters are as likely to be useful for a 5'0" woman who doesn't want anyone over 5'8" as they are for a 5' 10" woman who doesn't want anyone shorter than her but for most people who are within a few inches of the average they just don't care that much and are unlikely to set the range at a point that will exclude a third of their dating pool.

My son was the shortest in his class until he was about 16 , then grew to 5ft 9. He is also now in a long-term relationship with a 6ft Australian blonde woman!

This is about managing my anxiety over him and how he fares in life - and getting him to feel as good as possible about himself.

I think ditching your anxiety, however you manage to do that, is key. His chance of feeling good about himself, if he picks up on your fretting over his stature, are lower than they would otherwise be.

I'd suggest focusing first on the part of the (perceived) issue that you can most readily change and control.

Mid-parental height is considered normal. My son has been on growth hormone since 6 and he’s the same height as yours at the same age and this is considered a success. His growth plates are now closed. Yours may gain another couple of inches in the next few years. He needs to learn to accept that as an end point or he’ll ruin his own life by predicting loneliness by online measures.

My son is fully prepared to be a short king. Dan Radcliffe and Tom Holland being prime examples of masculine, attractive men with happy relationships and great personalities. These are the role models! Neither of our sons will end up with Zendaya, but both should know that height isn’t the sole predictor of success.

It was really just factual. He’s not that short anyway and still growing, he’s well within normal. But also, if he’s stressed about it then tell your secretive doesn’t talk about it late grower dh to pull his finger out and tell his son when he had his last growth spurt, why the fuck isn’t your dh supporting him more actively?

Our son was only 5’6 at 16, with no signs of puberty whatsoever. I was worried and so was he (he was sometimes teased at school), so I had him referred to an endocrinologist.

He had various blood tests, and MRI, X-ray to check bone plates and physical examinations. He was diagnosed with a constitutional delay of puberty and we were advised to simply wait and, as he was extremely skinny, get him to gain weight.

We were advised against testosterone therapy as it can affect height potential by causing bone plates to close.

Fast forward to today. Patience paid off. He is now almost 22, and 6’2 and a big burly, hairy bloke. A recent X-ray (not related, he’d been injured playing football) showed his bone plates are still open, so he’s not done growing.

In his case, slow and steady did win the race.

He’s not finished growing yet and it sounds like he’ll be a late bloomer. I find kids often seem to grow over the summer, I do wonder if this is a throwback to times where they wouldn’t be enough food year round so they tend to have spurts during times of plenty.

I’d try and consider shelving this until the other side of summer.

Haha it works! The average height of Chinese adults has hugely grown and studies have been done that link it to milk intake. Milk is the best thing for height. Their rate of lactose intolerance is decreased

I think it's become less fashionable/common to give your child glasses of milk everyday etc

OP my son was on the short size, I think he was the size of me (5’5) when he was about 15, no facial hair although he did have body hair, but it wasn’t a lot. He is 21 now, and is about 5’9 and is very hairy.

I do understand the anxiety he may be feeling (and you). My son was always worried about this when he was younger.

Next time he needs shoes or trainers get a pair with an extra chunky sole.

This should give him a boost of confidence.

My gorgeous looking nephew is 5'8" He is married to a very attractive woman who resembles Kylie Minogue in looks shape & height. On a night out they look like a couple of film stars & can outshine their very tall contemporaries in a room. Also think about Tom Cruise & Dustin Hoffman who have no issue attracting beautiful comparatively tall women. I can understand very tall women wanting to date taller men. I can't understand women shorter or around the same height as a shorter man wanting to date men over 6' unless they want to feel physically dominated albeit shorter men can do that if muscled & well built if that's their thing.

Your son is very young OP. He may or may not grow an extra few inches. He needs to work on his confidence & stop worrying about height. Women wear high heels so I feel there is nothing wrong with a man adding a little to his height with a small shoe lift if it makes him feel better.

I'm sorry your son is feeling so down about this - I find this obsession with height SO ridiculous I can't even begin to describe it as it makes me so cross.

My OH is shorter than me and its never occurred to me that it makes any difference. I'm bloody 37 now and he makes me feel like a stupid teenager - I basically worship the ground he walks on.

Getting off track here but clearly the girls he's been interested in so far are incredibly shallow (that will be a maturity thing) but he will not struggle to get plenty of interest in future if he's a nice lad who will make them laugh.

All you can do is keep reassuring him

My 15 yo DS is about 5'5". His Dad is 5'6" and I am 5'2" so our kids were never going to be tall. Height really isn't everything. In terms of being attractive to girls/women, there are plenty of us petite ones who don't need a giant. If he's a lovely guy, dresses well and has confidence, humour and empathy, he'll be fine. My DH keeps very fit and knows how to defend himself should he need to. He also pushes himself to be confident at work and socially so he doesn't seem shy or 'small'. Please don't pass on your negative associations with shortness to your son. He sounds lovely.

It's a difficult time for young average and below average height lads nowadays. There is just so much noise online about the supposed merits of being 6ft and over.

To be honest, it's very likely your son will be on the shorter side. I'm your height and my boys' dad is just a smidge taller than your boy's dad. None of them grown much since puberty and none have much in the way of facial hair (have it but not the have a 5 o'clock shadow at 3pm type). All but one in their 20s.

My tallest son is 5'8" -but doesn't give two hoots about his height, never has. He's got a long term girlfriend now (but didnt at all till he was 20). My youngest is the shortest at 5'6". He's very self conscious about it sadly. I tell him he spends too much time on social media listening to that "6ft+ or nothing" noise. (Mind you, he’s also had a lot of health challenges his entire life, which took its toll on his confidence.)

It’s highly unlikely your son will never meet someone who falls in love with him—it just probably won't happen at 15.. It's literally all about confidence. And more importantly and being a decent and kind man. And of course mixing social with women who aren't influenced by the online noise. (Tough thing for him now is girls his age are easily swayed by that stuff simply because they're young, just like he is currently buying into the 6ft myth.)

Truth is - once they've all waded through the self consciousness of teenage years - a good number of women don't see being under 6ft as a red flag and focus on personality and character - and the importance personal hygiene!

Growth hormones won't help, as you know - but apparently one of the reasons boys are taller nowadays being so many are obese as children!! (Weight affects growth hormones and obese children also grown taller than they would have been had they not been obese.)

It really doesn’t. Both you and your husband are short, it’s natural that your children will be short. He hasn’t finished puberty so will probably end up at least your husband’s height as his generation is generally taller.

He’ll probably be, like most young people, a bit self-absorbed and it’ll be a big deal to him until he matures at about 25. If it wasn’t height, it’d be weight or spots or thin legs or something else.

Just keep your own anxiety in line and don’t dwell on what you can’t change.

5'6" at 15.5 with no facial hair and a dad who's 5'8"? I'd be putting money on more growth yet. Teenage boys are weird, some shoot up early, some suddenly appear six inches taller after one summer and everyone acts like it's normal.

Worrying isn’t going to change anything.

He might grow another inch or two but he’ll still be short.

Best thing you can do is help his self-confidence not to depend on his height or appearance.

We have a 15 yr old who would like to be “a bit” taller. He is 5”7 just on a good day

What can you say really? We’ve told him that his height is in his genes it’s more or less set (bar illness or malnutrition etc)
Ours keeps fit, so is athletic but not too overboard, he enjoys life, is confident, clever, has friends, basically lots of things going on what height he gets to is what height he gets to. He’s competitive in a balanced way and has accepted he won’t be as tall as his brother so is focussing on being taller than his dad (5”8) he passed me a while ago.

It’s a characteristic you can’t do much about, let his feelings about the possibility of being on the shorter side of average, which is possible, have some space and then focus him on the qualities he has control over.

Almost everyone wishes their bodies were impossibly different. Having a content life regardless is all anyone can do.

And if a girl wants a tall boy, over other qualities then she’s not the girl for him. Those girls are just being 15, 15 year olds are insane. Boys and girls alike judge and make ridiculous statements. (Being shorter hasn’t stopped our youngster having a great bunch of friends or lack of interest from the girls).

We just shrug when he mentions height, “it’s biology sweetheart just have to wait and see where you stop”

He will be fine whatever his final height.

He isn't even particularly short, OP.

Presumably you've looked at growth charts and percentiles for his age?

He's on around the 25th percentile so yes, below average but definitely not worryingly so.

His dad and you are both on the shorter side so that's to be expected with his genes. He'll probably reach his dad's height, he's not done growing yet.

Dad is 5ft 8, im 5ft 3.
Chances of him growing much taller are not high (scuse the pun).
I knew a 5ft7 boy in sixth form who wasn't even good-looking and had zero problems with women. I very much hope he is still shagging his way through life (if he wants to be).
ETA. BUT... Doesn't sound like he's finished with the whole puberty thing yet (I hate that word, it's the puuuuw) so could definitely do another 2 or 3 inches by 6th form.

This is nonsense. Children are not an average of their parents height.

My husband was the shortest in his class as a teen. He told me that all the other boys where very developed physically in ALL aspects, while he still had a kid´s body. It affected his self esteem a lot. No facial hair etc. Then he suddenly developed and got to 5.8 when he was 17. I am 5.10.

I’d be concerned about the lack of puberty signs. I see that you took him to the GP already but I would ask the GP to monitor it ongoing.

As for the height thing most boys including my own have their biggest growth spurt after the start with the other visible puberty stuff. While I’m no expert I would definitely expect him to grow more after this occurs.

However I am sick of this obsession on social media and online dating about height that has filtered down to teen boys. It’s such a big thing to worry about amongst my son’s friends.

5 ft 6 especially before fully grown is a normal height for a man, yes lower end of normal but still normal and not anything to worry about. It doesn't sound like he's anywhere near finished growing yet either so I'd be optimistic he might reach dad's height at least. You're overthinking this which is going to make him overthink it. He's never going to be 6 ft. He needs to work on accepting this and managing his own self-confidence.

FWIW I have a genetic condition which causes short stature. I was still 4 ft 8 when I started 6th form! I know lots of girls with my condition. Height was extremely important to us all as teens and we would compare notes. Now these girls I know are adults. The confident girls who are 4 ft 9 have had no trouble finding relationships and doing well socially and in school. Some of them who are nearer average height but have parents who have constantly panicked about every aspect of their life have grown into adults who severely lack confidence, struggle with relationships and constantly panic about their lives. Attitude is far more important than height trust me

DH was short till he was 14/15 and now he’s 5’11, but his parents are taller than you. 5’6 could well be as tall as he’s gonna get.

There’s nothing wrong with short men unless they’re whiney about it. I would work on the assumption he’s gonna be on the shorter side, work on his confidence, work hard in school, and be funny. Any additional height should be seen as a bonus.