Could you still hold a grudge against someone from primary school?

[BeardofHagrid]

Just silly girls’ politics during primary school, falling out with each other, accusations of best friends being stolen etc, could you still hold a grudge against someone for that now?

The context is that I saw a woman I was at primary school with recently in a shop and she stormed out when she saw me. I hadn’t seen her for 30 years.

Also OP - you say she “stormed out”, but perhaps from her point of view she saw someone she wasn’t expecting to see who triggered awful memories, and absented herself. Maybe your memory of what happened at school doesn’t quite chime with yours either?

I would question your version of events as they dont marry up with her reaction

Getting away from a bully to safety is often my no.1 priority - her reaction would be what my focus is on

Yes, I had a bully of a primary school teacher. I still think about how awful she was, almost 30 years later. I wouldn’t storm out if I saw her though. I assume she is dead now anyway and not hurting anyone else.

I can and do
I would not storm out of anywhere though, I would ignore and if approached treat them like the scum they are

Yes. If the last impression you had of a person was in primary school when they were nasty to you, then that's what you're going to think about them to this day.

I was falling out with my best friend a lot in primary school, we've both been nasty to each other at times, but as we carried on being friends and grew as individuals together, any old grudges are long forgotten.

Jenny who drew silly faces on my homework age 9 so the teacher told me off, and I've not seen since? I totally hold a grudge.

I'd try not think about it, because the only person that would harm is me, but there are people I was in primary school who I still know were deliberately cruel because they enjoyed it, and a woman I worked with more than 30 years ago who used bullying and manipulation to advance her career ambitions who I would rather not ever meet again.

The most important thing is to not be like them, and to offer support if you see someone falling foul of bullies.

But you'll never un-see it.

It's called self-confidence because you're supposed to be your trust in yourself to achieve things.

Blaming a 6 year old child for 40 years for your lack of confidence in yourself is ridiculous.

Yes, and I do.

People become un important to me, when they become un important its over.

A grudge is still a feeling I'd rather not have.

I remember a teacher that bullied me, and I’d lay into them now if I met them as adult.

This is my perspective, too. This person has absolutely no idea who I am as an adult. For me it all feels like it was several lifetimes ago.

Just to clarify, when I say silly girls’ politics, I mean it was things like she invited all the other girls to her birthday parties except me. She would tell me cruel things other girls said about me behind my back. Her main beef was with her best friend who got “stolen” by another girl. I don’t know why she thought I was part of it when I definitely wasn’t, I had my own separate best friend and never had much to do with her.

Is it possible that you saw it as normal girls politics but she saw it as you bullying her? Surely you did things too?

The thing is OP that what seems minor to you may have had a major effect on the other person.

I hope the bitches that made me hate going to primary school every day rot in hell. One died of alcoholism and another apparently told a friend of mine at their children's schoolgate that she was really sorry for her childhood behaviour because her child was now being bullied and how horrible it all was.

I felt sorry for her son but thought it was great that karma had bitten her on the arse. I think when bullies apologise to their victims later in life it's meaningless, they're doing it to ease their conscience not to help.

I wouldn't storm out if I met them but I would glare and refuse to do smalltalk.

well I'd tend more to icy politemess rather than storming out but yes I could hold a grudge for that long without even breaking a sweat.

I'm not blaming 40;years of lack of confidence on her but yes it did affect my confidence growing up. Great for you if you could cope with people lying about you and excluding you and still have brilliant confidence growing up. We're not all as lucky as you

You have made a huge assumption about her reason for not speaking to you. Personally I have such horrendous anxiety that I go to ‘flight’ mode anything I see someone I know but don’t know - if that makes sense. I can’t do pleasantries I just avoid avoid avoid.

She may have just felt uncomfortable and it had nothing to do with behaviour at P school.

No 😂 but I have a friend from secondary school. She and I were like back and forth between us the whole time on who was ranked top of the year, who was head girl, etc. She was perfectly fine, no beef, no falling out, just it was a competitive private school and I ultimately did slightly better than her in the end. She is friends with everyone else in our year on social media…except me, I’ve added her a couple times over the years, we have mutual friends, etc. She just deletes me. 😂 I mean, I just thought it would be nice to keep in touch like I do with everyone else from school.

I literally cannot imagine holding onto the resentment that there was that time 25 years ago when I did slightly better than her in school and got into a better uni. Who cares? But it does make me giggle. Every few years, I friend request her just for fun and she deletes it. We’ve been playing this game at least 15 years now. 🤣

It doesn't matter who you are as an adult really, her experience of you OR maybe the group at primary affected her, she didn't want to be in your company, why does it matter to you?

Not primary but I do remember nasty things that were said or done during secondary school and 16 years later still wouldn’t be interested in saying hello if I saw them out and about or accepting their friends request sort of thing.

i was fostered for a year in late primary school. The foster mother and her daughter were awful to me. If I saw them today I would cross the street to avoid. My school friends from that time were lovely, fortunately, so school was a haven from ‘home’.

the behaviours towards me were seemingly small and insignificant , but were a big deal to me. I remember how they deliberately made me feel, and is not a case of forgive/ forget. It’s ingrained in me and made me who I am today. i succeeded, and frankly, I Hope that they failed.

Well that sounds more like she was the bully. Are you sure she wasn't embarrassed to see you?

I'd be polite and move away - as I don't care but have no desire to be round such a person.

I've met some in adulthood and been polite and distant - some have been fine others tried to put me down still - though I can now turn that round.

Subsqeuntly realised I grew up in a household which often found fault and to this day doesn't always wish me well - my siblings are very nasty to me. The dyspraxia I as diagonsed with at uni along with that probably explain why I attracted bullies. I don't live in the area I grew up rarely go back and I think spent a large part of adulthood trying to put it all in the past.

I’m around the same age and wouldn’t recognise anyone I hadn’t seen since primary school.
I can’t even remember primary school, let alone who said what.

She probably has a very different version of what happened.
There were a couple of bullies in my primary school. I haven't seen them since then so have no way of knowing whether they improved at all in the intervening years so wouldn't be keen to spend time with them.

It depends what you mean by 'holding a grudge'. If you mean not forgetting bad behaviour and judging people because of it, then hell, yes!

If someone had been horrible to me (not just a trivial one-off) or really hurt me at that age I'd remember is and keep my distance. If I ran into them now I'd be polite but no more. I'd certainly not want to be friendly or to nurture a relationship with them.

I do tend to think that our personalities as children are our authentic ones! It doesn't mean we can't change but basically we're our true selves as children, before societal pressures and influences 'civilise' us.