Partner on holiday with a female friend!

[Daisymay1000]

I need to ask peoples honest opinions.

my partner went away on Sunday “with the boys” I wished him off well, hope he has a lovely time etc. been FaceTiming me, sending me pics etc. then yesterday a female friend may be flying over. I said I wasn’t very comfortable with this especially as she would be staying in the same apartment. He said he wasn’t sure if she even was yet she just said she may do. I looked on her story on instagram and she was already there, had been the whole time! Tagging him in pics etc. Iv broke up with him as the lies and the disrespect for me are too much. Am I being unreasonable or over reacting? He said I was and it’s just a friend and I’m controlling. But for me I can’t imagine he would ever allow me on holiday with a male staying in the same apartment?! There’s 3 men and her.

But I suspect she may have some issues around men and needs their admiration.

the bitterness and jealousy is strong on that one 😂

But don't worry, we know. You feel threatened by other women. It must be a sad way to live.

My OH would probably be OK with a mutual female friend of "the boys" or a wider mixed trip with a shared apartment.

But I know others are uneasy about interaction between their DP and 'other women' as firends.

The clincher here though is the lies.

Actually, it's a peaceful way to live. I don't commit to men who have lots of close female friends. I should be his only close female friend.

Edit: I've had these kinds of conversations on here before. When I point out the realities of men and women, biology, and sex, some people take huge exception and they attack the messenger, calling me all sorts, as here.

But I'm just pointing out the basic truths of life. I'm guessing some people shoot the messenger because they would prefer to believe that we've been socialised out of all our primal urges. Well, we haven't. They pulse just below the surface. In men, anyway.

It's an uncomfortable truth.

There have been women who have had an agenda with my DH but they aren't his close female friends and its pretty damn obvious when this is occuring. DH has shown zero interest shuts it down quickly and sets clear boundaries

This is the key thing, you can always tell when a female friend has an agenda, in my experience. She won't want anything to do with you, doesn't want to socialise with you in the group, doesn't want to acknowledge that you should be his priority not her, pushes boundaries to prove how close they are etc. I've had a lot of experience with that. I wasn't jealous in the slightest, trusted him totally. What a fool I was, some women are real snakes, aswell as the men.

I'm flattered but I can assure you, he's not. You think it's only hot active women who men are friends with? Naive is assuming your limited experience is the world view. He'd have had plenty of chances when I was single to try, plenty of times when we've been alone drunk in a city together. Similar for other male friends. Maybe I'm just so hideously disgusting yet fantastic and interesting I'm the only woman a man can be friends with without wanting sex 🙄🙄

oh dear.

I only hope you do not have children, and certainly no son. Poor kids.

You really need therapy. That's neither normal nor healthy to be obsessed with the idea of sex-addict men. Sounds like you are thinking about it a lot more than the men you are accusing

Did any of you feel the need to lie to your partners about the people attending? Would you say that you would expect someone to lie to a controlling partner or leave the relationship? If a reasonable partner has a reasonable concern about someone attending, is it not ok to express that and have their concerns heard? If an individual woman has expressed sexual or romantic interest in your partner and your partner wants to go on a holiday where they will be sharing an apartment with the individual woman, would you be happy to hear that your partner had lied to you about her attending the holiday and in fact, staying with him?

The lying is the problem here. You are right to leave someone who has lied to your face - you will never trust this guy again.

Another attack for delivering a lesson in the biological realities of men and women. 🤣

I get it. I would prefer for reality not to be true, either.

If you think my post is abusive, please report it and have it removed.

You've dumped the liar. Job done, now time to move on.

Oh come on, you don't all want to be a cool, pick me wife! The op has boundaries and her partner has majorly crossed them! Good for her!! How on earth you can pile onto op for being controlling when she has a boundary that she is sticking with is beyond me.

I'd be fuming. It would also be grounds for me to end the relationship. Lying little fucker!

Agree the issue is the lies, but I suspect her attractiveness is also pretty important. Do we think op would care so much if she was overweight and plain?

the lying is the shitty part here. it’s not for us, who don’t know your relationship, to say why he lied, if there is a history of odd behaviour between the 2, if you have a history of irrational jealousy who knows. either way this is an incompatibility issue outside of the lying, but you can’t have a successful relationship with someone who is lying to you.

my two best friends since i was 18 are men. none of us have ever looked that way in either direction. i couldnt be any less their type, neither of them are my type, you only have to look at their wives to see that. Especially since losing my own brother, they are like brothers to me. Neither of their wives has ever had an issue which I know I am very lucky for when I read some of these mumsnet posts. at one of their weddings abroad a decade or so ago (they had separate bride and groom friends nights in the same city just before the wedding and then a party all together the night before) one of the bride’s mates took me to one side at the group event and told me i was ‘lucky’ to even be allowed to show my face at the wedding because if she had been the bride she ‘wouldnt be having it’ meaning our friendship. she told me that none of the women (in her friendship group) trusted or wanted me there because it was inappropriate. it devastated me at the time. i really do want people to understand that platonic friendships are possible, even when people meet significant others, but it’s honesty, communication and expectations which are key, not the gender of a friendship group.

Plain, and to some extent overweight, are matters of observation and taste!!

I’ll caveat this by saying that the lying is obviously wrong.

To answer your question, however, if the primary group of friends is mixed sex, it doesn’t mean that partners have to be invited. They might be, if it’s a ‘friends plus partners’ type of thing, but if it’s just a get together for the main friendship group then there’s no reason that partners should be invited any more than if it were a single sex friendship group.

He lied to you because he knows you don’t like her. Next time you get with a guy make sure he doesn’t have female friends if youre that insecure over it.

What does it matter if it's a female or male friend, if it's just a friend.

It's hardly an "attack" to be genuinely concerned that's the speech you would give to your own sons, or that you would try to raise your daughter to be so scared of "men", including their own dad

I am not a "cool wife", I would call my husband abusive and controlling and would dump him immediately if he was trying to ban me from having friends and spending time with them, and frankly accusing me of having sex with others.

Read the thread, everybody agrees that the LYING is unacceptable

The only one to blame in this scenario is the OP's boyfriend. OP is wasting energy and creating drama by giving any thought about the other woman. End the relationship and move on.

Wow! How unkind of that person. The reality is that people like this often claim to speak for ‘everyone’ when others actually don’t share their opinion or don’t feel as strongly, but they feel empowered to speak as if they do.