Partner on holiday with a female friend!

[Daisymay1000]

I need to ask peoples honest opinions.

my partner went away on Sunday “with the boys” I wished him off well, hope he has a lovely time etc. been FaceTiming me, sending me pics etc. then yesterday a female friend may be flying over. I said I wasn’t very comfortable with this especially as she would be staying in the same apartment. He said he wasn’t sure if she even was yet she just said she may do. I looked on her story on instagram and she was already there, had been the whole time! Tagging him in pics etc. Iv broke up with him as the lies and the disrespect for me are too much. Am I being unreasonable or over reacting? He said I was and it’s just a friend and I’m controlling. But for me I can’t imagine he would ever allow me on holiday with a male staying in the same apartment?! There’s 3 men and her.

But are choosing another woman to go on holiday with and not your partner, that's cruel and disrespectful. It's not about hand holding, it's about not making your partner feel like they are inferior to another woman and deliberately giving them cause to worry because it's not a normal thing to do!

Mixed friends ok, lies are not. If he felt he had to lie you are not compatible

I presume this isn't the first time you've given him doubt over other women. While he should never have lied, he probably did to just have a more peaceful life. Woman as part of a group, no issue!

Sounds like you guys are better apart. We all have a line not to cross, being lied to is pretty shitty behaviour so you did right by dumping him.

Going on holiday with a female friend should be fine.

Lying about it isn’t.

My best friend (male) and I have gone on several holidays together, just the 2 of us but his Mrs knew from the start. She knows me very well too. Not an issue as it wasn’t hidden as there was nothing to hide.

My partner wouldn’t have an issue with it now either, and isn’t worried about my friend staying over at mine occasionally. But not once have either of us ever lied to our respective partners.

No it isn't.

I have male friends. My husband has female friends. We both like spending time with our friends independently. I've got shit all desire to tag along with my husband and his mates. We're not two halves of one person, we can enjoy spending time together and enjoy doing our own thing.

Neither of us have self esteem issues, so we don't feel inferior to one anothers friends and nor are we threatened by them.

But we don't hide them from one another either.

It's not about her being there it's about him knowing you'd be unhappy and hiding it/lying etc.

This isn't about her it's about him not being honest

I agree with you @Daisymay1000 you are not comfortable ntrollibg, you can't trust him and that means you, should not be together. Good luck finding someone with more respect for you.

I don’t know if her going is necessarily wrong but him lying about it definitely is, how can he expect you to now trust him

I'm surprised at how many people are defending it! It's not normal to disallow your partners to come on holiday citing it as a lads holiday and then take another woman that flaunts that fact all over Instagram that she's with your partner and your not! If you are taking a female friend then there's no justifiable reason not to take female partners along which is the nice and respectful thing to do!

Not doing it causes hurt, I guarantee it causes embarrassment when everybody starts gossiping about your partner being on holiday with another woman and telling you that he's cheating on you. It's annual leave and money lost on another woman which cuts down on the amount of annual leave and money you've got to spend doing anything together. I don't see what is decent or acceptable about taking one woman and not taking them all!

It's a "lads' holiday" all right... 🤔

Genuinely I did read them all, but she's basically just said she doesn't like her personality.

DP and I both have friends of the opposite sex and we'd be fine with each other going on a holiday that included them.

Neither of us would be fine with the other lying about it though. Neither of us would be fine with a situation where one of us 'does not allow' the other to do something either.

So those are your massive red flags - he lies, and he controls you. Get rid and move on.

I voted YANBU but not about the hols being 3 men and 1 woman.

Its the fact he has no respect for you

He lied.
And no it wasn’t case of ‘he was going to loose either way’. In part because no one should ever ‘loose’ in a partnership. Compromise are made, solutions are found, concerns are listened to and take into account. As soon as you hit ‘win-loose’ ground, then I feel you’ve lost it.
But more to the point, if you’ve reached the state where you have to lie to have a life, then you should be out.

But he also has no respect for you.
No man would let another woman all over him, in front of everyone! Whether it’s on the ring, in photos, on hols.
He could have stopped her behaviour agd out boubdaries but he didn’t. And he didn’t because 1- he has no respect fir you, 2- he probably enjoys the attention.

As for the ‘over reacting’ comment from him…
Well he is just unhappy he has lost his toy but still has no wish to either gain understanding or repair things.
That Akso tells you a lot about who he is.

And that’s regardless of her behaviour. Even if it’s shit, it doesn’t matter. What matters is his reaction to it!

Oh is being all over a man you know is with someone else a personality trait now?
I didn’t realise that getting physical (as in physical close contact, not sex) is a personality issue rather than a behaviour issue

So sweet of you to feel sorry for me! 🤣

Man idk how anyone would be okay with this, even if he did say upfront because wtf. Why go on a holiday with some other woman """friend""" and not you. Fuck that. Then to lie about it, twice. Fuuuuck that.

I’m sure they’d not sat on the beach talking about their favourite books luv😂😂🙈

@Daisymay1000 based on your updates I know exactly the type of person this friend is and I wouldn't be happy in this scenario either (and I consider myself unbothered about male/female friendships).

I think you've done the right thing.

Oh calm down! I have never given a stuff about my partner having lads nights out and vice versa and at times we go out as couples. I've been with my partner and not even married so we are not insecure people in the slightest so don't be arrogant or think you have a superpower. But if you think the Instagram posts of the woman in over was fair then maybe you aren't so great towards your own partner. I also have make friends and I would never disrespect their wives, I'm not needy for their attention.

The holiday itself wouldn't bother me provided seperate sleeping arrangements, but the lying would have ended it for me as well.

I’m guessing that your husband tells you BEFORE he sets off on his holiday that his female friends are going too ?
Or does he wait until part way thru the holiday to tell you that the female friend “MIGHT” be joining him …. when in fact she’s already out there enjoying the holiday from the start?

I don't at all see what the issue is with your response. Your boyfriend went on holiday with a group, this woman was present, he said she wasn't, then said she joined them later. This was a lie; one which, if he'd had nothing to hide, would have been unnecessary in the first place. I wouldn't have wanted to stay in a relationship with a deceitful man any more than you did. One thing I will not tolerate is a liar.

You have drawn your own boundaries, - and yes, boundaries are a good thing - considered whether or not you are willing to be in a relationship on this basis, and concluded that you're not. I'd say that adheres to the standard truism that you can't control the behaviour of others but can control your own. It's the very opposite of 'controlling'.

The fact that he's now trying to tell you that it is, and that it's your behaviour rather than this deliberate lies causing the problem here, tells you all you need to know. He's a waste of your valuable time and for me this would be the final nail in the coffin.

Kudos to you, OP, for getting rid. He's no prize.

MN is funny
Posters who only take one part of the OP posts and then argue vehemently on how theyre better than the OP whilst describing a situation that is wildly different.

Like ‘my dh goes on hols with female friends’ forgetting the lying
Or ‘I have no issue with man-woman friendship’ whilst ignoring that woman is physically all over the OP’s (ex)DP, up to the point other people are commenting and warning her.

Exactly! 🤣🤣🤣

The amount of people on here claiming that they and their partners' dearest and closest friends are opposite sex! I don't get it at all. How do you even have enough in common with them that they are closer than same-sex friends? I can't imagine being much closer with a male friend than any of my female friends, which is what's meant when people say "closest". It's very unusual, imo, for your closest and dearest friends to be opposite sex.

Because people’s interests aren’t dictated by genitalia? In your world do women just shop and get their nails done boobily and men just box and gym testicularly?

My husbands best friends are women. All 4 of them. And they have been best friends since they were 12…they have decades of friendship and history and stories as a basis for ‘things in common’, several of them are keen gardeners and fantasy novel readers and they go rock climbing. As does my husband - he also hates most other sports, doesn’t drink and gets injured easily. Hardly a macho man.

My closest friends are female and so are his. Not a big deal.