I can’t do this anymore, how is any of this remotely enjoyable?

[Atghuu]

DS is 3.5,

Ex sees him every couple of weeks for a day or so at a weekend. He won’t have him overnight, I’ve asked.

I work full time and from the MOMENT I open my eyes to the moment DS goes to bed I feel utterly got at. My job is very hard and I have huge responsibilities and even going to work feels like a holiday.

I am so emotionally exhausted I can barely type this but it’s things like shouting, suddenly having a tantrum out of the blue, the CONSTANT questions to the point I can’t even think some mornings. The whining. Oh my god it’s awful.

i try my best I really do. Always apologise if I’ve got cross. Always chat on the way to nursery and try and really listen. We do nice things together at weekends and I collect him early from nursery wherever possible so he’s never home later than 5 and we have a proper evening together.

I just can’t bear the moaning and the whinging and the tantrums. I just hate it. I don’t have any moments for myself in the week (and a lot of weekends are like this too), it’s just horrendous at the moment

When i was a single parent with a full time job i used to cry with exhaustion most weekday nights. I definitely went a bit mad, and I don't remember how i survived tbh. But it passed, he went to school, and we both lived to tell the tale. I know i had very low standards, very little cooking or housework done.

Does he whine and moan for your ex? Does he do it at nursery? These are things you need to establish to be able to put distractions in place when you’re at home together.
Do you encourage him to help tidy toys up and do other little jobs - not saying that you turn to child labour but a little distraction or diversion that gets things done, deters the whining and promotes independence can’t be a bad thing surely?
My two loved to have a cloth and do some dusting - no polish so nothing to harm them - but it did keep them happy and quiet for a while.

I feel for you and just know - you are not alone. I can't say it gets easier, just different as they get older. This phase will soon be over and before you know it he'll be 14/15/16 and out all of the time. The most important thing to remember is the only person your child wants right now, is you. BUT if you're dreading the moaning etc, your son will pick up on that - however hard you try not to let it. If you can learn to switch off a bit and not take everything he says to heart, maybe use non committal replies, oh dear, aha, mmm, this can really reduce your mental load. This is especially useful once he's at school and changed his mind the next day/week.

Try to distract him, tickle him, tell him a story - I used to pull funny faces and make mine laugh. I once did the supermarket Mum meltdown copying him, it shut my son up instantly and forever - so worth it! The fact that you're on here asking shows what a good Mum you are. Can you get any family support? You don't mention Grandparents? You need to work smarter not harder. Change your perspective on your 'day', I had to do what I needed to do whenever I could fit it in the day instead of evenings and, took a holiday day off while the kids still went to nursery, so I could recover some headspace - so valuable for both of you.

Can I ask, genuinely, how you managed sicknesses, school holidays, etc if you used annual leave while kids were in school/ nursery? Was this only an option while they were in a private nursery? Just as I can't use any annual leave for that, I need it all for childcare!

Also, when you say it doesn't get easier, how so? Isn't it easier when they're out and about doing their own thing? You get a bit of respite from the constant needs and questions? You get unbroken sleep most nights? Or is that not the case, or other things arise that are as hard/ harder?

I feel for you, I’m there with you. I have a 3 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. They fight and whine almost constantly, and talk at me to the extent I’ve developed a kind of stammer through brain fatigue, repeating the same things over and over, and my nerves being shot.

I also have a demanding job, I’m also studying for a difficult qualification alongside this.

I have nothing to offer bar a hand hold really. I’m desperately tired and shocked at how much I’ve aged in the last 2 years particularly. All I want to do a lot of the time is climb back into bed with a soothing radio show on and just sleep and sleep.

Are you paying nursery til 6pm? I would finish work at 5 and have an hour to yourself and get him at 6. You will be more refreshed

Start by carving some time for y ourself
If yo can leave him till late at nursery,you could go fur a haircut or a coffee or go to the gym on the way home
If he's already settled there ,an extra hour a few times a week won't hurt him
Can you swap with a friend..so they have your ds one Saturday and you have theirs the following Saturday.
He might actually leave you alone a bit with a friend over to play with .
Or maybe he's to young for that .. perhaps I'm forgetting what they at like at age 3

So pick him up later from nursery, if you can. He's not going to know or not if your having a "proper" evening together. Even if it's just an hour later, where you can have a coffee, or sit in front of the telly or do nothing! It's not much, but it's something. I know this will feel like light years away, but soon he will be at school. It will get a bit better.

I do feel for you OP, my DD is 3.5ish as well and I do find it draining at times too. The more she senses that I need a bit of space, the more she tries to engage me and becomes whingey/won't play anything herself etc.

What time is your DS going to bed? I only ask as my DD is usually asleep by 8, so by the time I've picked her up from nursery (around 5.30...definitely stop picking him up so early!!) and either had a chat/watched some cbeebies bedtime shows/done bathtime it's pretty much time to head through to bed. We go through about 7/7.15, do her bedtime stories, and then I sit with her until she's asleep, and then I get a few hours to chill.

I do struggle with the early mornings though, it is draining having someone talk at you at 100mph right from the minute you wake up. I usually make myself a tea and put milkshake/cbeebies on for her, which gives me a little bit more peace to wake up.

Free time is hard though, I do struggle with days off where I have no plans sorted. It is a long day. Do you have family/friends you can make plans with over the weekend?

This must be really tough. Working full time with a young child is tough and doing it as a single parent is mega hard. Could you drop to 4 days and send DS to nursery on your day off. You just need a break. I couldn't do it.

How early is the ds being picked up though?

Because the OP has said they are always home by 5, so unless the nursery is a long way away, she must be picking him up around 430.

I guess she could have an extra half hour but that’s not a lot and she isn’t wrong to consider her DS’s feelings in this. I definitely have made this mistake before - you’re finding your child hard so pick them up late from nursery to avoid spending time with them, they are hard because they are tired - the cycle continues.

I do get it; I nearly screamed with frustration just when dd told me over forty times she didn’t want a drink - but more nursery time for a child who is already there full time is something I’d advise caution with.

3.5 was the worst age for my DD. After being such a sweet baby and toddler she suddenly transformed into an absolute demon. I didn't know whether to call my HV, Supernanny or an exorcist.

I can imagine it's way worse when you're solo parenting.

Yes, it's normal, but that doesn't really help when you're in it! All I can say is I sympathise.

The good news is she came back through it, we had a lovely two years and now she's 6.5 and...well, maybe cross that bridge when you get to it. 😂At least now she's in school most of the day.

OP you need some downtime for yourself. What's the situation with your annual leave, can you spread it out to take half a day off every week all year?

Never pick up from nursery early. If they're paid to have him until X time then then have him until X time. Go for a walk round the block, read a book, listen to the radio. Just don't be paying them to do something then doing it yourself anyway. That's pointless.

People like to bitch about how times have changed and all children were traumatised in the past, but it isn't true. Get a playpen and some noise cancelling headphones. He needs to learn to entertain himself with his toys for blocks of time. He'll be safe if you pop out of the room for 5 minutes, you can mostly see him, you just won't be able to hear him. Enjoy it.

On the same theme, put him outside in the back yard in his pram now and then. So long as it's dry and he won't get sunburnt or hypothermic, it isn't going to kill him for half hour while you clean the kitchen and you'll be able to see him from the window.

It's ok for children to realise the entire world doesn't revolve around them. Not being able to entertain themselves just leads to phone addiction IMO and being entitled twats with anxiety if they're left alone with their own thoughts for longer than 30 seconds.

Being his everything 24/7 will do him no favours in the long run. Let him start learning some resilience now, with learning how to tolerate being bored and learn patience by waiting to have his questions answered sometimes. Let him see that sometimes cleaning house is more important than whatever he wants. These things are realities of life so he may as well learn it now.

It's hard.
Your ex is a lazy shit.
And I bet when your son is 10 years old and really good fun (thanks to all your hard work) your ex will be all over him.
It will get easier, but in the meantime, can you ask for more help from family and friends? And maybe write to your ex explaining that you need more time off or you could burn out?

A playpen? For a child who is three and a half?

It’s his age.
get as much childcare help as you can. Not from ex - don’t bother he is clearly useless and doesn’t deserve the relationship with his child.

Fully sympathise. Mine is 4 and the noise actually sent me into a panic attack when he was about 3.5. Never had one before in my life. Thought I was dying!!!
My answer is childcare and don’t feel guilty for it. Xxx

This stage is so trying, OP, but I promise you this is just another phase they go through.

I know you will have heard that so many times, but it's true.

Are there any other mums that you could do some playdates with? Give you a chance to have someone else with eyes on your child?

I get exactly where you are coming from. I wish I had written down every questioned asked I could have gone on tour as a stand up comedian.
The best one was in my local Tesco they had fake green grass wide runners on the aisles with fruit and veg.
Why are these mats green?

Because they are like grass

Our grass isn’t this colour green.
Why is it this colour green?

Because it matches the crates the fruit and veg is in.

Why can’t they have pink crates and yellow mats?
Why is grass green?
Why are oranges orange?

Did the colour orange come before or after finding the fruit?

After a talk about potatoes being brought into the country (thank you Horrible History)

Then the tantrums and moans when they want to look in the car engine and it’s pitch black and freezing cold outside or just because the sun is shining, or a breeze has ruffled their hair.

I would hope it gets better at school but I used to collect DS from school and be feeling really happy until he walked out of the door of the classroom with a list of moans about the day.
Did ask the TA about how he was in school and apparently he was really happy and had loads of friends

He has got better over the years.

Everything is a phase. It gets better till the next phase

This is a brilliant thread everyone.

Mines also 3.5 and dh and I are on the floor. Let alone you doing this solo. You're amazing.

Single mum to a 4 and 2 year old ds (lone parent to youngest). Youngest still wakes numerous times a night.

It can be exhausting. One thing that helps is getting them to bed as early as possible so I have a few hours to myself and go to bed as early as possible most nights. Even if I just sit and chill on my phone. I leave most the chores until they go to bed.

I don’t work full time so I can imagine it’s even more exhausting for you. Sending hugs.

I also try and stay out of the house as much as possible during the day to burn their energy. I won’t deny that they both have screen time while I cook dinner. I try and batch cook on a Sunday and divide it into small portions for them to chuck in the freezer.

It can be utterly shit sometimes. I haven’t had a single full nights sleep in almost 2 and a half years 😩

I absolutely promise you this phase ends.

But make sure he doesn’t have iPad or phone time - it ruins their behaviour. “Basic” TV like BBC Cbeebies is fine. Lots of fresh air and not too much sugar all help.

Can trusted adults such as grandparents babysit some Saturdays so you can get a break? Make sure you go to bed at a sensible time and eat regular meals - that helps hugely.

This age was so so hard!!
I worked PT with my second and I had a half day finish on one of my work days. Id get home at 12.45 and sit in silence till 2.45 for the school run for the oldest.
I would leave dd2 in nursery later also as it was a 5 min walk from home.
This will pass but its hard living through it. Some good ideas on this thread too!

Is there a good reason you can't have 50/50 contact?, one week with you and one week with him. I guess he lives too far away from the nursery to take him there, or are you worried he's going to be abusive towards him.

Try to hang in there OP. They change completely by the time they turn 5 and then it does get easier every year.

Sounds like you need to cut down your hours but stick with the same childcare so you can get a bit of a break?