I can’t do this anymore, how is any of this remotely enjoyable?

[Atghuu]

DS is 3.5,

Ex sees him every couple of weeks for a day or so at a weekend. He won’t have him overnight, I’ve asked.

I work full time and from the MOMENT I open my eyes to the moment DS goes to bed I feel utterly got at. My job is very hard and I have huge responsibilities and even going to work feels like a holiday.

I am so emotionally exhausted I can barely type this but it’s things like shouting, suddenly having a tantrum out of the blue, the CONSTANT questions to the point I can’t even think some mornings. The whining. Oh my god it’s awful.

i try my best I really do. Always apologise if I’ve got cross. Always chat on the way to nursery and try and really listen. We do nice things together at weekends and I collect him early from nursery wherever possible so he’s never home later than 5 and we have a proper evening together.

I just can’t bear the moaning and the whinging and the tantrums. I just hate it. I don’t have any moments for myself in the week (and a lot of weekends are like this too), it’s just horrendous at the moment

all I can say is it does get easier as they get older but it’s really hard and I feel for you

Is there any way you could drop some hours? Just so it’s not the full treadmill all the time

Or reciprocal childcare with a friend or nursery mum? Sometimes nursery staff will babysit too

Working full time as a single parent, especially of a preschooler, is a lot. It's been normalised nowadays, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Effectively you're working two full time jobs.

I see he's already in nursery....I'm wondering if you have any holiday accrued? If I were you I'd quietly be taking a day or two off here and there- leaving DS in nursery- to stare into the void.

It’s not an easy age, less so if you can’t have a break.
I didn’t find this age easy at all and I swear I used to think I was the only one and everyone else was sailing through the days.

Could you take a day holiday and still use nursery, just to chill or do something for yourself?
Can you make bedtime a little earlier perhaps, to give you a longer alone in the evening?
Would someone from nursery be open to babysitting (ours were)

I know it’s not exactly helpful for me to say it gets easier, but it really does. I’m sure others will come along with better advice than me, I just remember how tough it was and didn’t want to ignore your post x

Oh lordy, I remember those days so well. My DS is now in his 30s but he was exactly like that at age 3. I don't remember what worked with him and what didn't but I do know he came out the other side.

Also if I were you....I'd be resorting to screens to buy a little peace after nursery! Presumably he's been having lots of stimulating wholesome fun with childcare professionals all day and could do with some downtime?

You're a single parent to a pre-schooler, the demands are nearly all on you.
Kids change as they get older and it won't always be like this - as a single parent it's always going to be more to fall on you though. Try and carve out time for yourself where you can.

You aren't alone

I struggled a lot when my dc were younger, I didn't particularly like them either at that age
now at 9 and 12 I quite like them
They took all my time and energy when younger and it was relentless I stopped being a person I forgot who I was other than mummy it was all about the dc.

I love being a parent to older children but younger children? Nope

If you can take some time for yourself
Stop picking him up early every day grab a drink even a thermos of tea you make before leaving work and a book and sit in your car somewhere for a bit before collecting him, I liked to stop at the supermarket and have a look around for 20 minutes never brought anything just enjoyed the time
It's not much but it may help

It is such an incredible thing to have a pre-schooler and work full time. It’s hard enough with a parent or functional co parent let alone basically on your own. You’re doing your best and it’s ok that you’re finding it so hard because it really is so hard!!!

When I was really struggling and in a dark place mentally I reached out for as support via my GP and was prescribed sertraline to help me to feel like at least my brain could stabilise and not feel so extremely down. It did help and rescued me from some very horrible thought spirals. If you think this is right for you, speak to your GP and/or HV and ask for help.

Lean on friends and family as much as you possibly can, or try and set up play dates over the weekend. Parenting alongside others definitely helped me, even if they’re not friends, so the kids are engaged and you don’t need to be as much - like a soft play or play cafe or whatever. When you’re at home and you need time to breathe, would he be interested in a Yoto box or screens? What toys does he like? Water play or messy play in the garden to always work best to distract my 2yo for a decent chunk of time.

This is advice for the future not immediately but this is how I got through it. Playdates. At weekends invite his friends over so they can entertain each other and that will also lead to reciprocal invitations giving you a few hours of solitude. Don't be nervous of sleepovers - in a few years he'll be fine to sleepover with friends and you can have a bit of a social life. Does he have grandparents? I was lucky enough to have my parents who would have him for up to a week during school holidays. Don't be reticent about using TV to entertain him during the mornings. It's fine to eat breakfast in front of cbeebies. And it won't always be this hard.

Completely empathise. Mines nearly 4 and still pretty much non verbal so though I don't get bombarded with questions I have to try and figure out why he's all of a sudden having a meltdown. It's so hard but I think the phrase threenager is so bloody apt😂 it will get better even though it really doesn't feel like it

@RoseField1 completely agree with you. My kids had lots of play dates from around that age and sleepovers from about 4-5. Even playdates when the parent stays is preferable as the kids entertain each other and you will get some adult company. I made most of my friends that way and we would chat over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine whilst the kids did their thing. Sometime we would take the kids out for lunch or dinner or have a picnic in the park. I also went to the gym every weekend and put them into the creche there.

I think your free time shouldn't be completely child focussed. Your needs matter too and the sooner the child learns that the better.

Does he sleep well? Ime dc that get plenty of sleep are hugely more appealing than those who don't...

Everyone says it so much it sounds cliche and almost unbelievable, it also doesn’t feel helpful when you’re in the thick of it BUT it does improve as they get older. My DD’s in particular were horrendous at this age. They’d tag team which made things so much worse because I’d have two of them being menaces at any given moment. The tantrums (worse in public), whining, constant chatter, waking in the night to come into our bed, getting up to random mischief like deciding to make potions out of bathroom products and herbs and whatever else they could find…

So many examples. One morning they found some fabreeze and sprayed the whole bottle around so the wood flooring was a literal ice rink for example. Youngest DD would have tantrums at school in the morning for a while, she didn’t want to go in so she’d run around the playground with me chasing her then she’d throw herself on the floor.

Now it’s 10 years on, they’re teens and they’re so much easier. Actually feel like I got really lucky. As teens go, they’re super laid back and don’t give me much hassle whatsoever. It really does get easier, I promise. You have to ride the waves, take deep breaths, drink some wine.

I’m in the same boat! My daughter is 3 and she is very demanding and whiny, if she wants a drink or something to eat it’s constant asking until I get it, it has to be now if that makes sense, I’m the same feel mentally exhausted, I am constantly tired! All I can say is it gets easier just got to keep pushing, does your son have a bedtime routine? If so when he goes to bed can you unwind? It’s horrible when the father isn’t willing to help out more, I have 4 children and it’s hard work. You’re not alone!

It is exhausting @Atghuu , but it will get better. For years, I used to feel like I was walking on a tightrope spinning plates and it was all just about manageable as long as all the plates stayed spinning exactly as they should. But if one plate went wonky, the whole bloody show went down.

Your DS is still at that age where he needs you to manage a lot of his emotions and that is tiring in itself. It sounds like you are doing the best you can. Give yourself a big old pat on the back for that and don't beat yourself up for not being perfect. Don't let perfection be the enemy of good enough.

I remember some wise soul told me to go to bed early and make sure that I wasn't tired, as being tired makes tetchy toddlers out of all of us. It was some of the best advice I ever had, as it was something really practical I could actually do and it made a huge difference.

It’s absolutely soul draining. I could have written your post 20 years ago. I look back and regret my short temper and how little time I spent with him working full time, but we aren’t built physically or mentally for that kind of onslaught daily.

I don’t know what to advise, or if you are even looking for advice, or just comfort and validation. Have those two in spades from me, it’s a special kind of hell. I had two breakdowns from burnout in the time I was a single parent. I then had to stop work and rely on benefits, which came with its own challenges, but that’s another story.

The fact that we are expected to be more resilient and just cope is utter bs. I’m sending you massive massive amounts of empathy.

I think there’s a bit of a conspiracy to make us think parenting a preschooler is the epitome of happiness and personal satisfaction.

The rapidly declining birth rate says otherwise. YANBU, @Atghuu . I’m just glad you haven’t had syrupy replies telling you that you’ll miss it!

It's really hard, maybe let them stay in nursery till the last minute a few times a week, go to a gym, cafe, book, walk, friends for a bit, have some alone time, it's ok, it just has to be. Don't for a second bend or pull back on any plans to allow dad to have his limited time, he works around you from now on, and be nippy, tell him why your knackered, don't build up resentment cause that's exhausting too and useless waste of your precious time

I’m sorry OP. So tough. I have a 3yo with a partner and I’m constantly exhausted. Your exhaustion is another level 😢

OP don’t be hard on yourself. You’ll struggle to find anyone with kids that age, even with two parents at home who isn’t finding it hard.

Try and remind yourself that it’s just a phase, and like all phases when they are little it will pass quickly. It just feels like it’s going on forever at the time.

Do you take enough time together at the weekends just to relax and have some downtime? I remember at that age feeling like being out of the house was easier than staying home, but if he can’t already it won’t be long before he has the attention span for a movie. That’s still my go to weekend afternoon when I think the kids need some downtime (and if I have a little nap on the sofa whilst we’re watching it that’s no bad thing either). Don’t feel the need to be doing stuff all the time.

This was the hardest age for me, things get better when they start school!

I am probably overly hormonal at the moment but just to say how lovely it is to read all these supportive comments.

OP, I second taking a day off to yourself even if it's just enjoying a completely silent house, a bath and a cup of tea.

You work full time, so you can't have that much time to deal with him?
the CONSTANT questions to the point I can’t even think some mornings. sorry but that's.. normal? It's not great when you need 1 hour with a coffee ALONE before becoming human, but that's having kids?

He's likely tired too, and the reason why he plays out so much.

No advice, but try to remember how BRAVE they are to stand up to adults who are so much bigger and stronger. That's how I tried to deal with the tantrums from mine.
If you were both home all day, you would both have a routine and be more chilled, it's not a blame at all, but he only has you first thing in the morning and late afternoon when he's tired. It's not against you, he's just exhausted too.

Sorry. OP, it is so hard to - single parent and full time job but I can concur with PP, it does get easier. Just yesterday evening, my DS (8) and I had a bike ride after dinner and then were able to have a chat about life cycles of the wasp (likes to talk about school!). Pre school is a demanding age but it doesn’t last forever. You have two full time jobs. Don’t forget how well you are doing.

This. It’s hard when you’re working but try really hard to cultivate friendships for him. Be honest and say he needs entertaining being an only child and you want to wear him out a bit. Do you invite his nursery friends over, or maybe neighbours with similar aged children, for a couple of hours at weekends then hopefully they will reciprocate.
I got through the early years as a single parents with lots of play dates..