Aibu to tell my 18 year old to stop ranting at me?

[NoahsArkandtigers]

I love my 18 year old daughter very much however she has acquired a habit of ranting at me and everyone else that is very difficult to accept. It’s unpleasant to listen to a person half yelling their views. She is very politically engaged and I actually agree with everything she says, I just hate the way she says it. I hate the monologues. I hate the way every interruption irritate her but if I didn’t interrupt she would speak without ever letting anyone else speak. I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. I think she is very unhappy with the state of the country and this is her release.

Yes, it made me think my feelings were unacceptable because no one communicated to me that the feelings were fine but I needed to work on the delivery. As an adult I can see that's obvious now, but as a teenager it's not that clear.

I don't blame them, they had their own reasons for reacting as they did and were doing their best, but ultimately acting out of self preservation rather than helping me develop emotional intelligence. And their reactions had the consequence that once I left home I never really shared my emotional life with them again. Of course I learnt to communicate better over time, but I don't understand why people expect teenagers to have all the skills for communication and impulse control that many much older adults still lack.

Sensitive and passionate should not be code for obnoxious she is being rude there is no excuse and I would be telling her

Politicians do not have an audience of one. A mother is not a verbal punching bag.

Leave the room or have other consequences or set an amount of time per week you will engage?

Make it a condition of her being able to live in your home that she goes out X number of hours a week to voluntary community work in line with her interests, and/or engages in family counselling.

Sounding off at a loved one is abusive. Teamwork out in the real world would be proof of her passion.

I've got to the the point where I ask my 18 year old daughter if she wants my opinion or just space to vent/rant. Seems to be helping us both!

A mother is not a verbal punching bag.

Exactly. At some point, young adult children need to recognise that their parents' feelings are just as valid as their own.

She needs to learn some social skills, people don’t like to listen to rants.
You are not her verbal punching bag either.
Maybe she should get active rather than just ranting? Or go and live in another country, then she will see that everywhere has its problems and it’s actually quite good here.

Sounds like she would fit it will in the House of Commons. Direct her in to a career in politics. She can rant at like minded people who will also be ranting and interrupting her.

No one is suggesting that the OP never listens to her DD vent. We are suggesting healthy boundaries around when, where and how much, and supporting her to learn age appropriate ways of having those conversations.

At around 4-5 years old, little children have a development leap where they realise that other people have perspectives too. That other people have feelings and can see things they can't see. Your parents may have done a poor job that's led you to feel 100% rejected when they say "no more" but as an adult you should be able to identify when your mum is simply overstimulated/at capacity, not because she doesn't care, but because she is a human being with a brain that has limits, just like yours.

I might ring my BFF after work and ask "can I rant about today?" And often she will say yes. But sometimes she will say "I'm busy right now, catch you another time". And vice versa. It's not always on demand or never ever you're rejected.... That's the basis of an adult reciprocal relationship.

Maybe they could marry! And have ranty children. And we could laugh at them

I think there has to be a middle way between shutting her down as some suggest and letting her rant unchecked.
It’s a conversation, it’s explaining that a long monologue is not a conversation so may be best not to do this with other people and to pause and let others listen.

I have an elderly male family member who is very passionate about the state of the country and his tendency to ranting monologues mean people have to gird themselves to spend time with him - he’s aware he’s always struggled socially and it’s a real shame I think that he was never taught and has clearly never realised that listening to others is as important as trying to entertain others with your views and stories.