Aibu to tell my 18 year old to stop ranting at me?

[NoahsArkandtigers]

I love my 18 year old daughter very much however she has acquired a habit of ranting at me and everyone else that is very difficult to accept. It’s unpleasant to listen to a person half yelling their views. She is very politically engaged and I actually agree with everything she says, I just hate the way she says it. I hate the monologues. I hate the way every interruption irritate her but if I didn’t interrupt she would speak without ever letting anyone else speak. I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. I think she is very unhappy with the state of the country and this is her release.

My DH can always turn anything into a joke to lighten the mood and I can usually ask a stupid irritating question. This combination seemed to infuriate our son, enough to make him think we’re too thick to understand the severity of the topic. Eventually he stopped wasting his breath, no more ranting and lecturing at the dinner table.

Just because she needs to get it off her chest, doesn't mean you need to absorb it all. Teach her to ask first. "I need a good vent, is now a good time?". YANBU to say "not at this minute love". This is a fairly basic social skill she can learn.

She is behaving in a very common way for politically engaged young people. She has woken up to politics and its like a flame has been ignited. Suddenly she sees all the issues and thinks there are solutions and she wants to talk, persuade and convince, because it matters desperately. Her attitude when she's speaking is driven by her passion and urgency and she can't see this comes across as belligerent, arrogant and irritating.
In time, she will calm down. She will learn nuance and other interests will dampen down what now seems rather obsessive.
In the meantime if I were you I'd let her get it out. You say you agree with her, so just say "I agree with you" where there's a space.
It will pass.

This, she hopefully will see how unhinged people are who just rant at you, and no those you rant at (and are basically talking down to) are NOT thinking “wow! How eloquent and intelligent you are!!” They’re thinking what an annoying twat you are!

I am a liberal lefty type. So I thought. Then my daughter went to university and came home for Christmas. And then I discovered that my views were apparently racist, transphobic, homophobic etc. Who knew?!

I was a ranter and my parents weren't capable of absorbing the energy - my dad left the room and my mum cried because it felt like I was personally attacking her. Now I'm cautious about sharing my views with anyone and struggle with anxiety and assertiveness especially at work. I would try to treat the rants like toddler tantrums and just stay with her in them. Hard on you but invaluable for her if you want her to function well as an adult with strong feelings.

Why would you be unreasonable to tell her? I’d tell her to shut up every time she tried it with me.

I think you can help her in a constructive way without ‘telling her off’, turning it into an argument or putting her down.

Firstly when my DD (now 18) used to be like this, I like you used to resist engaging as it only resulted in more ranting back from her. So I used to message her the same thing but on WhatsApp, normally when I was out at work for obvious reasons. ‘Hi DD I love your knowledge and passion about X, but if you truly want your voice to be heard then there are different ways of doing this. Everyone wants to feel like they have a voice and that their opinions count and are being listened to. When you express your views it feels one sided. That doesn’t make people listen. There are lots of other channels for your passion (insert examples here) that we can look into. I’m assuming it is all about your passion for politics but if it’s more about having a voice then we can look into you talking to someone about it. What do you think? This comes from a place of love’

Obviously not exactly that but you get what I mean.

I used to work on the basis that if 5% of what I said sunk in them it was worth me saying it. It’s a life lesson you are actually teaching here. They are still so young at 18 even though they think they think they could run the world. She had always calmed down by the time I saw her next.

She's clearly getting into practice for a left wing I know it all and my voice is the only one that matters.

Now I'm cautious about sharing my views with anyone

Good.

I would try to treat the rants like toddler tantrums and just stay with her in them.
What do you mean 'stay with her in them?

I know plenty of right wing ranters.

@SillyQuail your dad had to leave the room and your mum was crying and it didn’t make you think about your ranting! No one should be expected to tolerate this from a an adult. Op doesn’t need to tolerate this it will do her dd no favours long term. Having strong views is fine but she needs to learn how to share them appropriately not rant.

I mean like you do with a toddler when they're screaming, just kind of let it wash over you until they're done. She's clearly said she is seeking out her mum to vent feelings she's bottling up elsewhere, isn't this exactly what we're supposed to be here for as parents? If her mum rejects her now, she'll get the message she's too much and her (entirely justifiable) feelings are wrong. She may not have learned to express them in a particularly palatable way yet but that's also a learning curve.

I've voted YABU, because you are, for letting her speak like this at you! You should have nipped that in the bud the first time she started. Instead, you're on here asking if YABU to ask her to stop ranting at you! Has she always been allowed to behave like this?

@SillyQuail Is that what you mean by they were incapable of absorbing the energy?
were/are you actually that self important and absorbed that you think others should sit and put up with your ranting and pontificating? Bloody hell! So if a person has an abusive partner who screams and shouts at them, they should “sit with it” till the shouting stops?!

As someone who spent most of lockdown with my newly politicised DC, and has listened to more monologues than most, I'm glad to have had the experience. And now as a bit older and more chilled young adult, they appreciate those conversations too. They created a bond, and established us as two adults who could engage on a level other than parent and child.
Acting as a sounding board was a useful way to support my DC to make sense of their values, to apply critical thinking, to broaden their range (I used to say "just to play devil's advocate.." a fair bit to encourage them to have more of a 360 view on the subject without enraging them!) Rather than try to shut it down (pointless) I embraced it. I'd suggest articles to read, I'd ask their views on things.
I'm interested in politics myself so that helped. But in honesty, if I hadn't been, to have listened, allowed them to try out and practise ideas, shown an interest, to me thats just an extention of what parents do to help their DC grow.
Your DD sounds like an intelligent and thoughtful young woman who cares about things that are important. It's young women like that who help shape the world. When she's out there making a difference, even if only in small ways, these monologues to you will be part of what's shaped that person.

She is too much. How has she not learned to express her feelings in a socially appropriate manner at the age of 18, a legal adult? Thing is she is not 3, she is an adult. If she has such perturbing feelings, she should pay for counselling. Why should OP be her punch bag? At 18 we have a reasonable expectation for people to not behave in anti social ways. If Op's dd ha snot learned to speak with consideration at her age, something has gone wrong. I get it if people with ASD do this, as they literally cannot easily help themselves. But not a NT person, which Op insist her dd is. I would not accept this but tell her she needs to learn to convey her thoughts in a respectful and articulate manner or keep her thoughts to herself.

Lol. Your Reformy chip on your shoulder must weigh you down so much!

Fyi both left and right wing people can be complete irritating bores if they are of a ranting inclination. Add youthful zeal into it and it’s unbearable!

I feel you, it's so tiresome. We have a rule when on holiday with family which we are now including DS14 in, because he's started to rant as well - after 5pm or after any alcohol, we're not allowed to talk about CATNIP. Not because we will disagree but because we all have approximately similar views, and it's boring to hear people ranting at each other.

Climate change
AI & the economy (when my parents are around, the A also stands for ageing so they're not allowed to bore us all with the organ recital)
Trump
Netanyahu
Israel
Palestine

So now when DS starts off on his rants we all shout CATNIP!!

We also tell DS repeatedly that conversation should be a tennis match, not a lecture - so there's a lot of "I can't respond unless you ask me a question and actually listen to my answer" kind of thing.

That's how you handle it 👏

This is absolutely brilliant.

100% that @SillyQuail . I can't believe that you're blaming your parents for not putting up with your rants. Of course your mother took your anger personally. Of course your father would leave the room. That is natural when faced with an angry ranting young adult 'child'.

No parent should have to put up with this from a young adult. Coping with a two year old's tantrum is entirely different. A young adult is capable of controlling their communication for their audience. You choose not to.

There's a reason why politics, money and religion should not be topics of conversation in polite company :)

Tell her it's unacceptable for her to rant at you or anybody. If she's not able to keep her cool while discussing politics, she should be working on that, not expecting you to just bear the brunt of it because everyone else is likely fed up with her.

My brother is still like this at 45 so I divert the conversation if he starts on about politics. My poor 70 year old Mother just ends up being dragged down by it because she never put in the boundaries and he's a frustrated middle aged man who wants to display his intelligence at someone

Nip it in the bud now.

I'm not suggesting anyone accept abusive behaviour from anyone. The OP's daughter has clearly articulated that she needs to vent her frustrations with the world and I'm just sympathising a bit with her, having been that sensitive and passionate somewhat ranty teenager myself back in the day. I think framing it as 'tantrum' (especially since the OP acknowledges it has a release function just like a toddler tantrums) rather than expecting 'fully functioning adult' behaviour from her teenager might help the OP tolerate it a bit better, since it's clearly valuable for the daughter. That of course doesn't mean she can't also put boundaries around when and where and for how long ranting is acceptable but I think making space for her feelings could preserve the openness they clearly have in their relationship. Imo it's great that her daughter brings all that passion and energy to her instead of bottling it up. My dad now wonders why we're not close, but I remember all the times he walked away when I wanted to share something that was upsetting me, forcing me to deal with it by myself.

I hate that ranting as opposed to intelligent debate, it doesn't help when all our politicians go on like that in Parliament.

I would disengage from the conversation, get up and leave the room. When I used to work for DWP when claimants started ranting like that I talked quieter and quieter, the louder they got the quieter I was as it forces them to engage their ears and adds an element of lip reading.