AIBU to think my fiance overreacted by getting a younger woman's number because I double booked by accident, and threw my belongings about?

[Sunglasses1979]

I am trying to work out whether I am being unfair or whether my fiancé genuinely overreacts to situations.
I was spending a long weekend with him and we had plans for Monday. Friday to Sunday eve were lovely and we did sightseeing etc. then went to his and were planning to stay there for a few nights.

However, I realised I had accidentally double-booked the Monday because my adult DD had arranged for me to meet her new boyfriend and his father over lunch. It was important to her and had been organised for a while. DD has is ND and has severe MH issues; this is the first "normal" relationship she has had and it's a huge deal for her.

I told my fiancé on Sunday afternoon that I would go to the lunch for a few hours and then come back afterwards so we could still spend the Monday evening together and the following days.

He was furious. He said I was choosing other people over him and repeatedly referred to my daughter's boyfriend and his father as "strange men". He seemed particularly upset that I would be spending time with another man, even though it was DD's BF's dad not just a random stranger.

After I had told him I had double booked and would need to go for a few hours we were arguing about it non-stop for hours. I was crying at one point and I kept saying I was sorry, it was human error, not deliberate. After all this arguing I was tired and wanted to stay in, but at around 11pm he insisted we go out. While we were out he deliberately started talking to a much younger woman, introduced himself to her, claimed he got her Instagram and then repeatedly talked about how he was meeting her for dinner the next day. His argument was that if I was going for lunch with strange men the next day, then why couldn't he meet up with a new person too? Even though it was not the same at all, obviously. The young woman must have been about 20 and we are both in our 40's so it just felt really weird and "off".

The argument continued after we got back to his for most of the night and I got very little sleep. The next morning I had to get an extremely expensive Uber to make sure I did not let my daughter down and miss the lunch. He had said not to come back to his after lunch but then called me when I was in the Uber and asked me to come back to his after all.

The lunch itself was lovely. Afterwards, I travelled back to his. However, when I arrived we had another argument. During it, he picked up my bags and threw them across the room in anger, they went everywhere as he threw them so hard.

He later continued to use the lunch as an example of me not caring about him enough and prioritising other people over our relationship, and how I like "strange men".

From my point of view, I attended an important family event for a few hours and still made the effort to return afterwards. From his point of view, I had disrespected him and chosen other people over him.

When I told him how much the Uber cost he took offence because I have never gotten an Uber to his even if I am running late; he said he didn't realise I have money in this way.

When I went back to his after the lunch I had to get a standing room only train in the middle of the heatwave; I don't like public transport at the best of times and he kept asking when I arrived what did I want to do; meet his friends in the pub or go straight to his. I said I don't care and was almost in tears as I was finding the journey so stressful. I didn't realise but he had me on loud speaker so all his friends heard me when I said "I don't care" and now he's saying his friends all think I am horrible and rude to him. When it was taken out of context and they didn't know we had been arguing all night and that he'd got a much younger woman's contact details the night before.

Am I missing something or was he overreacting?

I don't think you are a fool, and no one else who has been slowly sucked into that kind of situation will think you are a fool. I hope some of the advice on here, and maybe reaching out to your friends and family, will be the first steps to helping you break free of this awful man.

How can anyone even begin to think this is reasonable?

Run, run now, and don't look back

At the risk of sounding patronising can I say well done! As a stranger I'm also very proud of you too as I know how hard it is to escape ❤. My ex was a supreme boiler of frogs and I lasted over thirty years with him and I only understood how bad it was when I realised I was medicating myself just to stay married to him. A real wtaf moment!

Thank you for the messages.

I would go to the police but I am not sure what they can do, aside from making a note? Would they be able to put a flag on the house? That would be useful, I think.

In terms of what has happened in the past; he has wanted to become financially entangled e.g. he has offered to put my phone onto his plan as it's better value for money, that kind of thing, he is always offering to pay for things that will tie me to him or make me beholden to him in some way.

He is absolutely horrible. Please dodge this planet-sized bullet.

Thank you
It has not always been awful, he started out very nice, and very normal although he was quite intense early on.
It has been a sort of drip drip drip like I said I have started then deleted so many threads on here about him.
His temper I first noticed it towards taxi drivers going the wrong route, not directed at me. Then directed at me but indirectly, not blaming me for things but being frustrated. Then getting to the stage where he would throw things out that he knew I wanted to keep such as a coaster from a pub. Then throwing out and in a dramatic fashion things I had given him. Then shouting at me then throwing my things this weekend just gone. Before this it was moving my things but in a slightly aggressive way but only you would notice if you were looking. Like it totally creeps up on you because it is gradual and someone moving your handbag isn't on its own a bad thing.

I doubt the police will do anything until you finish the relationship and then (if) he starts to harass you - have you finished it yet with him? I know its hard, but you do need to do it 💙

But you didn't go along with any of his "kind" offers to make things cheaper by joining up? That's good, shows that your spidey senses were already at work.
Good luck moving forward, make sure you have friends and family around you for quite a while after splitting.

That's how it is, it is so gradual. The frog in boiling water analogy is spot on. Do not feel foolish. As you say, so many of these little incidents are nothing major in themselves, or easy to explain away. And of course there are good times, otherwise people would never stay in relationships like these. It was only at the end of my similar relationship when I really looked back and articulated some of the awful moments that I could actually see it for what it was, and even then I still second guessed myself for a long time, remembering the good moments.

I am a strong, independent, successful woman and most people would probably think this would never happen to someone like me. But it did.

Been thinking about you, op, and I'm so so glad you have decided to end it. Brilliant.
I hope your sisters or friends can come and stay and support you.
And MN is always here for support too. You aren't alone.

He’s a dick and needs to go but why couldn’t he go with you to the lunch?

@Sunglasses1979

I don't know if the police can actually 'do anything', but what harm could it do to call them and explain that you are about to break up with a 'very controlling man who has shown a really bad temper' and are worried about his reaction? They may say there is nothing they can do without an actual 'threat' or they may say they can make a note of your address or of your call. But at least you will have made contact with them.

You can tell the police that you are afraid of him.
That you are trying to end a relationship with him that was highly abusive and controlling.
That you are terrified of his temper.
That you would like a marker put on your address and your phone number.
Ask for help.
Tell them he is capable of hurting you.

Does he have a key to you home @Sunglasses1979 ?

This is how it always goes. He knows that if he behaved the way he just did in the early days, you'd have ended things so he drips his poison slowly as time goes on and you are more invested.

The fact you're scared to end it says it all. No one should ever be afraid to end a relationship..

@Sunglasses1979 Your thread is filling up. Once it is full please start a new one for support - maybe on the Relationships Board where many more of those with experience in this, those who are in the process of leaving, and survivors are often giving great advice and support. Posters here will find you.

I will speak to sisters and one or two friends this evening and update them and maybe see if they can stay with me for a few days.

This is very good - we are all sending vibes for you this evening.

Leave. Immediately.

I think he will make a fuss and you need to just put your big girl pants on and realise that being stuck with an abusive man who doesn’t love you and enjoys belittling you and making you anxious is far worse than the neighbours having a bit of excitement.

I’ve only hot halfway through the OP’s posts.
RUUUUUUUN!

Run.

He’s a cunt. DTB.

This is key. Having experience of this type of 'man' I can tell you that there is no point trying to apply logic to his behaviour because they operate outside the realm of normal and acceptable behaviour. Just extricate yourself as quickly and safely as possible and DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM.

Bin the 🔔🔚 off immediately.

Omg run run run as fast as u can x

If you can’t see what an abusive and violent man this is there something wrong with you. Don’t stay with him a moment longer. He sounds unhinged and dangerous.