AIBU to think my fiance overreacted by getting a younger woman's number because I double booked by accident, and threw my belongings about?

[Sunglasses1979]

I am trying to work out whether I am being unfair or whether my fiancé genuinely overreacts to situations.
I was spending a long weekend with him and we had plans for Monday. Friday to Sunday eve were lovely and we did sightseeing etc. then went to his and were planning to stay there for a few nights.

However, I realised I had accidentally double-booked the Monday because my adult DD had arranged for me to meet her new boyfriend and his father over lunch. It was important to her and had been organised for a while. DD has is ND and has severe MH issues; this is the first "normal" relationship she has had and it's a huge deal for her.

I told my fiancé on Sunday afternoon that I would go to the lunch for a few hours and then come back afterwards so we could still spend the Monday evening together and the following days.

He was furious. He said I was choosing other people over him and repeatedly referred to my daughter's boyfriend and his father as "strange men". He seemed particularly upset that I would be spending time with another man, even though it was DD's BF's dad not just a random stranger.

After I had told him I had double booked and would need to go for a few hours we were arguing about it non-stop for hours. I was crying at one point and I kept saying I was sorry, it was human error, not deliberate. After all this arguing I was tired and wanted to stay in, but at around 11pm he insisted we go out. While we were out he deliberately started talking to a much younger woman, introduced himself to her, claimed he got her Instagram and then repeatedly talked about how he was meeting her for dinner the next day. His argument was that if I was going for lunch with strange men the next day, then why couldn't he meet up with a new person too? Even though it was not the same at all, obviously. The young woman must have been about 20 and we are both in our 40's so it just felt really weird and "off".

The argument continued after we got back to his for most of the night and I got very little sleep. The next morning I had to get an extremely expensive Uber to make sure I did not let my daughter down and miss the lunch. He had said not to come back to his after lunch but then called me when I was in the Uber and asked me to come back to his after all.

The lunch itself was lovely. Afterwards, I travelled back to his. However, when I arrived we had another argument. During it, he picked up my bags and threw them across the room in anger, they went everywhere as he threw them so hard.

He later continued to use the lunch as an example of me not caring about him enough and prioritising other people over our relationship, and how I like "strange men".

From my point of view, I attended an important family event for a few hours and still made the effort to return afterwards. From his point of view, I had disrespected him and chosen other people over him.

When I told him how much the Uber cost he took offence because I have never gotten an Uber to his even if I am running late; he said he didn't realise I have money in this way.

When I went back to his after the lunch I had to get a standing room only train in the middle of the heatwave; I don't like public transport at the best of times and he kept asking when I arrived what did I want to do; meet his friends in the pub or go straight to his. I said I don't care and was almost in tears as I was finding the journey so stressful. I didn't realise but he had me on loud speaker so all his friends heard me when I said "I don't care" and now he's saying his friends all think I am horrible and rude to him. When it was taken out of context and they didn't know we had been arguing all night and that he'd got a much younger woman's contact details the night before.

Am I missing something or was he overreacting?

It’s awful isn’t it? I’m glad you got away. I’m proud of myself as I’m nearly there. Got an offer on a house and should be in in the next few months. It’s been a long time coming but I’ve nearly done it!

Since valentine's day.
We have started the paperwork for the wedding but not got a dress or anything. As this will be a second wedding for both of us, I have not wanted to plan a big thing. We thought that we would have a tiny ceremony then a party afterwards.

It’s so good that we are learning about those patterns now. When I met my husband we hadn’t heard of red flags or coercive control but hopefully we can educate more women now so they get out before marriage and children.

You should be proud of yourself, it takes a lot of strength to walk away. You will never look back. My life has been so peaceful, I’ve never regretted leaving. Good luck and congratulations on your new home x

I have attached an image of the definition of coercive control

Op I posted it up thread but here it is again.

Coercive control is an insidious pattern of psychological, emotional, and financial abuse used to strip away your autonomy and independence. Unlike physical violence, it starts subtly and escalates over time. Recognizing these early warning signs is vital to protecting yourself: Verywell Mind +1

• Love Bombing: The relationship moves exceptionally fast, with excessive flattery, constant contact, and intense declarations of love. This creates early dependency and makes it difficult to set boundaries. Verywell Mind
• Subtle Isolation: They may initially frame their desire to be with you constantly as extreme affection, which soon turns into criticizing your friends, making you feel guilty for spending time with loved ones, or creating drama that alienates your support network. Verywell Mind +2
• Micro-Regulation: They monitor your daily activities, such as demanding to know exactly where you are, tracking your phone location, or questioning who you talk to. Women’s Aid +1
• Gaslighting and Guilt-Tripping: They make you doubt your own memory, perceptions, or sanity. When you express discomfort, they may turn it around and blame you, making you feel responsible for their emotional reactions. Women’s Aid +1
• Financial Gatekeeping: They start making decisions about your money, insisting on controlling joint finances, or "helping" you budget to the point where you have no financial independence. Women’s Aid +1
• Undermining Your Confidence: They use "teasing" or backhanded compliments to slowly chip away at your self-esteem, making you feel reliant on them for validation. Women’s Aid +1

Please read all of OP’s posts and don’t refer to her as pathetic. That’s really cruel

I’m not sure, I’ve read all the ops posts. And to be honest, maybe she needs some harsh truths, this woman is in a deeply abusive relationship, her friends and family don’t like the way he treats her, he’s now trying to put a split in with her own child. He will continue till he succeeds in isolating her. Then he will ramp this up till she is barely human any more.

so maybe saying it clear, is what she needs.

Thanks so much! x

I can see others have clearly explained what coercive control is. It will take a while to understand how so much of what you've described him doing is abuse - emotional and coercive.

You must be reeling from this thread - it's always hard when others can see clearly what we've been accepting for ages. Posters can see from your description the escalation of his behaviour and know (many from bitter experience) that a man like this isn't fixable. His behaviour is too dangerous and harmful to you.

Why I've asked about real life support is because it's incredibly difficult to extricate ourselves from a relationship where a man has taken so much control - not even allowing you to sleep! You've said that you're scared and that's why so many of us are urging you to pick up the phone and talk to your sister or other family member and get their support.

If you were my sister I'd be at your side in an instant. You know they don't like him and they'll be on your side.

Do you feel better after that. Does putting others down and calling them names make you feel like a big woman/man.

I can only assume there is a lack of understanding or you haven't bothered reading all of OPs posts before you decided to put the boot in.

Vile post.

I have said multiple times that I would like to have couples counselling before the wedding to even out our differences and he had agreed to this, though he has made out it was like some huge favour to me.
I believe he would benefit from therapy a lot but "he doesn't believe in it". He has had some therapy as a teenager and found it very difficult, it was a while ago so I am sure things have changed since then. But it has put him off. I think he didn't like the therapist criticising his parents.

Op, don't feel stupid about not seeing the signs. It happens so gradually and over such small things that it's hard to understand how bad it is. It took me 20 years... Be kind to yourself and seek outside support. When you have time, read It's not you by Dr Ramani and watch some of her YouTube videos. They will be eye-opening. Take care. 💐

Agreed, and this type of reaction from my friends and family just pushed me towards my abuser even more. Talk about kicking someone when they're down!

That's not saying it clear, that's being vile to someone who is in a vulnerable position.

Don't encourage it.

He may now suggest couples counselling when he now realises it's over. You need to say no. The National Domestic Abuse helpline are very clear that women shouldn't go to counselling with an abusive man - "abuse is not a relationship problem" they say.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

I didn't even read the whole post - Strange men sent shivers down my spine, it was a phrase my ex used a lot.

Leave this man, he is not a good guy!

These are the signs of emotional abuse op, to sandwich with the coercive I posted above.

Emotional abuse involves sustained, damaging behaviors meant to control, isolate, or demean a person. The five primary signs include

1. Gaslighting & Manipulation: The abuser distorts the truth to make you doubt your own memory, feelings, or sanity. They will frequently deny conversations occurred or blame you for their hurtful behavior.
2. Extreme Jealousy & Control: They monitor your actions, track your movements, or demand access to your phone and emails. They may use irrational jealousy or "love bombing" early on as a disguised way to control where you go and who you see.
3. Constant Criticism & Put-downs: They frequently use insults, name-calling, and mocking sarcasm to degrade you. These relentless attacks slowly erode your self-confidence, often disguised as "jokes" or "constructive feedback"
4. .
5. Enforced Social Isolation: The abuser actively tries to separate you from friends, family, and support systems. They might pick fights before you see others or accuse you of not caring enough about them.
6. The Silent Treatment & Withdrawing Affection: They punish you by withholding love, attention, or conversation. This leaves you walking on eggshells, constantly trying to appease them to restore the peace.

Ps not sure why that created 6 with number 4 missing, it was always 5.

I said to him once that I feel like a dog he is training not a person. He didn't really have a reply to this like a normal person would have been offended or laughed off the idea but I think that is exactly what he was doing.
Also he will say he treats people as they treat him so if I spent too much time on my phone (in his eyes me going on whatsapp is never ok really, I have to explain I am messaging my sister about X, or I am going on whatsapp to reply to my friend about X, it always has to be really specific) anyway if he thinks I have been on my phone too much he will then spend a lot of time on his phone and will get very nasty and say sorry you're interrupting me if I try and talk to him. Like whatever thing I do that is wrong he will do it ten times worse just to make a point.

Yanbu but you would be very unreasonable not to end it.

Your resolve to walk away from this on-going abuse appears quite weak as yet OP.
I think we can all feel that.
You are unsure what constitutes coercive control, yet have identified many incidents from other posters which resonate exactly with the way he treats you. You are only just joining the dots.

It takes several attempts to leave an abuser, but you have on your side the fact that all your family agree that he’s not a good man. And also that you don’t live with him and that no wedding is yet planned. Your family members already know this is coming. Please lean on them today, for support. They will rally round
And you will feel much less scared and more certain that you have to end things. You need this endorsement from them to make this real. Practically real.

I think the best thing for you to do is to go to your closest family member today and confide in them that you want to leave him but that you are scared that telling him that, will only ramp up his anger and put you in an even worse situation.
It’s true that this is now quite a dangerous period for you as he knows something is wrong. He knows because of the violence he showed you recently and also because you have cancelled on him.

You are doing right by protecting your home security.

I agree with a previous poster who advises to tell him by message and then block and change your routine somehow without him knowing. It might be a good idea to go and stay with a relative until he gets used to the idea.

It’s a lot to take in for you.
The sooner you do it, the sooner you can put it behind you and start afresh …a life of peace instead of a life of constant sleepless pressure and fear.

He has done quite a lot of the things on this list 😔

I think I speak for all of us when I say, LTB.