AIBU to think my fiance overreacted by getting a younger woman's number because I double booked by accident, and threw my belongings about?

[Sunglasses1979]

I am trying to work out whether I am being unfair or whether my fiancé genuinely overreacts to situations.
I was spending a long weekend with him and we had plans for Monday. Friday to Sunday eve were lovely and we did sightseeing etc. then went to his and were planning to stay there for a few nights.

However, I realised I had accidentally double-booked the Monday because my adult DD had arranged for me to meet her new boyfriend and his father over lunch. It was important to her and had been organised for a while. DD has is ND and has severe MH issues; this is the first "normal" relationship she has had and it's a huge deal for her.

I told my fiancé on Sunday afternoon that I would go to the lunch for a few hours and then come back afterwards so we could still spend the Monday evening together and the following days.

He was furious. He said I was choosing other people over him and repeatedly referred to my daughter's boyfriend and his father as "strange men". He seemed particularly upset that I would be spending time with another man, even though it was DD's BF's dad not just a random stranger.

After I had told him I had double booked and would need to go for a few hours we were arguing about it non-stop for hours. I was crying at one point and I kept saying I was sorry, it was human error, not deliberate. After all this arguing I was tired and wanted to stay in, but at around 11pm he insisted we go out. While we were out he deliberately started talking to a much younger woman, introduced himself to her, claimed he got her Instagram and then repeatedly talked about how he was meeting her for dinner the next day. His argument was that if I was going for lunch with strange men the next day, then why couldn't he meet up with a new person too? Even though it was not the same at all, obviously. The young woman must have been about 20 and we are both in our 40's so it just felt really weird and "off".

The argument continued after we got back to his for most of the night and I got very little sleep. The next morning I had to get an extremely expensive Uber to make sure I did not let my daughter down and miss the lunch. He had said not to come back to his after lunch but then called me when I was in the Uber and asked me to come back to his after all.

The lunch itself was lovely. Afterwards, I travelled back to his. However, when I arrived we had another argument. During it, he picked up my bags and threw them across the room in anger, they went everywhere as he threw them so hard.

He later continued to use the lunch as an example of me not caring about him enough and prioritising other people over our relationship, and how I like "strange men".

From my point of view, I attended an important family event for a few hours and still made the effort to return afterwards. From his point of view, I had disrespected him and chosen other people over him.

When I told him how much the Uber cost he took offence because I have never gotten an Uber to his even if I am running late; he said he didn't realise I have money in this way.

When I went back to his after the lunch I had to get a standing room only train in the middle of the heatwave; I don't like public transport at the best of times and he kept asking when I arrived what did I want to do; meet his friends in the pub or go straight to his. I said I don't care and was almost in tears as I was finding the journey so stressful. I didn't realise but he had me on loud speaker so all his friends heard me when I said "I don't care" and now he's saying his friends all think I am horrible and rude to him. When it was taken out of context and they didn't know we had been arguing all night and that he'd got a much younger woman's contact details the night before.

Am I missing something or was he overreacting?

honestly you need a plan that is - message him, block him and cut him off completely ghost him. Let relatives know, let the police know if UK based and say you feel at risk and he has form for being overly aggressive and unreasonable. Get you ring doorbell, set up check ins with friends and family, be away from your home for a little while if you can. Get your phone checked for any friends and family locators and get him excluded, get the car checked for any bugs and if you can get your house swept for them if he has spent any time there. Check bags and belongings for apple tags and the like as well. Do not give him any benefit of the doubt and have a plan for every eventuality. Let work know what is happening and that they are not to accept any calls for you from him and if he turns up to call the police

I voted you are being unreasonable because frankly being with a man like this is very unreasonable.

Firstly speak to trusted friends and family about what’s been happening and your plans to end it. You need support and you need people to be aware, especially if you are worried that he might turn up. Write a very factual message. No emotions, explanations or apologies. Just ‘this relationship isn’t working for me anymore please don’t contact me again’. Block him if you need to. And if you feel threatened then contact the police. The sooner you get out of this then the sooner your life will begin to improve.

Good luck with it, I wish you well - and good idea to get a ring doorbell. Thank goodness you’ve got your own place and aren’t actually living with him.

You've had some fantastic advice op , so I won't add to it. I just want to wish you luck and congratulate you on being so decisive. Please stay safe and keep posting here if you ever want to vent.

How long has he been your fiance @Sunglasses1979 ? Have you or him actually started planning the wedding? Booking anything?

The fact that he grew up with his father hitting his mother, plus he’s been jilted etc, have clearly caused him some serious damage. He seems terrified of rejection or losing control over you. It’s totally unacceptable behaviour and rather frightening. He’s not emotionally fit or stable enough to be engaged because he’s bringing all of his issues and using you as an emotional punchbag rather than treating you as a much loved equal entitled to her own independence. He really does need some therapy. When you break up with him, I’d do it in public and have a friend or relative close by.

Also, I have literally said that I am planning to end things.

what “planning” is needed? You don’t live together. You don’t have kids together. You have no financial links to each other.

“to end things” surely just involves a perfunctory message “it’s over. I’ll be over at X time with X (bring a friend) to pick up my things at yours and at the same time I’ll drop your things. Don’t contact me”

I’ll tell you what you’re missing. That fact he’s a total nutcase

(though given its page 35 I’m probably not the first to point that out lol)

And now you need to take action. A domestic abuse helpline will help you work out the next steps.

Hey @Sunglasses1979 I’ve read all of your posts and many of the replies so I’m not going to go over what most have already said and you have come to realise xx
i just wanted to give a bit of advice on moving forwards - please please let your sister/friends/family members know that you are planning on ending things and maybe give them a little insight to why. You don’t have to tell them why, I’d hazard a guess they have an idea BUT please please tell someone who can support you in real life person contact x
A ring doorbell is a brilliant idea and be prepared for the onslaught of messages and calls from him. Ordinarily many would say to block his number but silencing it and keeping a record is actually a smart move as it gives you any proof you may need down the line.
Do not respond to him though, he’ll try and drag you into an argument that lasts days and days and messes with your head so much you won’t be able to think clearly x

I truly wish you well and am sending you a virtual hug and strength. You deserve so much better than the way he’s been treating you xx 💐

Just wanted to send you love. It's hard enough to leave any relationship regardless, but to leave one that has cowed your strength is especially hard. Good luck xx

Get yourself free.
Today
Good luck.

Can you maybe stay with a friend for a few days or have a friend over to stay with you? Just to give you some support as it sounds as though he might escalate. Definitely get a ring doorbell or even one of the cheaper ones for peace of mind

God almighty, I ended thing with my sons dad back in 2009 but this message of yours @Sunglasses1979 has taken me right back to that sick pit of the stomach feeling I had when I was with him.

it’s palpable.

please follow through and end it, honestly you know it’s the best thing to do for your future, I really do know how terrifying it is to contemplate, but you can do it.

once it’s over, you WILL feel like you’re the stupidest person that has ever walked this earth, I know I did, but be kind to yourself, you were duped, groomed, he tried to trap you.

his anger at being dumped is going to be significant but that’s because he’s spent all this time pretending to be a decent person to hook you in. He thinks you’re hooked and now this is why the mask has slipped quite so much.

it’s classic abuser tactic, moving in, engagement, married, any time they think you’re all in on the investment they can escalate

his dad hit his mum? That would have been your future too. Be very clear that by ending this, your life expectancy just increased hugely

keep talking to us love, we’re all here for you, we’ll help you all the way, but you have to end it. I PROMISE you, your life will be better without him in it. You won’t regret this.

I can see that his behaviour with throwing my stuff was abusive.

I am not sure what counts as coercive control?

OP, you are doing really well.

It’s good that you cancelled tonight and it may be now best to take a rip-the-plaster off approach and tell him that you are ending the relationship.

Is there someone you can stay with or who will come to yours?

Some tips:
Do not engage in discussion or justification of your decision. You could start by telling him that after his behaviour at the weekend, your mind is made up, and you do not wish to discuss it further.

Then block him.

If you engage he will wheedle to get under your skin and persuade you you are in the wrong.
He will love bomb and sweet talk and try and persuade you back.

He will attack all aspects of your personality and appearance and tell you no one else will have and you will die alone in abject misery

This is all typical and well documented by women who have gone through what you have endured, and many fall into the trap of ‘trying again’, when of course it all gets worse because he feels more powerful having git you back.

A ring doorbell is a great idea, Does he have a key to your door? If so, keeep your own key in the lock in the inside. Just to be sure, I don’t want to alarm you or frighten you out of leaving him.

Guilt tripping you
Emotional manipulation about the uber fare, ‘prioritising’ your role, demanding that you serve his emotional needs at the expense of your own, punishing you, making you endure the ‘younger woman’ stuff, separating you from your friends and family so that he is the only one influencing you, taking away your energy to protect yourself by deliberately stopping you sleeping, undermining your chances of building your self esteem and capacity by dismissing if trying to sabotage job opportunities, taking control of your possessions - presents, cards etc - and damaging and destroying them. Trying to separate you from your Dd….

And more.

OP I am glad to read through all your posts and see that you have decided to end it. None of his actions are normal or anything you should have to put up with. Stay strong and do not let yourself feel that you have failed in any way. It's actually the opposite, you are taking the first step to a much happier life. I have a feeling your family and friends might be relieved to hear that you have ended things with this waste of space.

Anything that you have slowly stopped doing because it’s not worth the argument if you do, or anything that you have started doing because it’s not worth the argument if you don’t.

For example, not worth going out with your friends or staying out late because of the agro you’ll get.

Or, and my ex used to do this, making sure to have sex with them regularly because it’s not worth the fall out if you don’t.

Does he have a key to your house? If so, change the locks. End it by text message and block him on everything. Let anyone know that you are close to that he could contact and make sure they also give him a wall of silence.

This is such a classic pattern. My STBXH started a row before a job interview, disliked my friends, always caused a row before or during special occasions: Christmas, my birthday, holidays etc. he also stopped me sleeping by waking me up when he came in late or got up early, insisted I didn’t go to bed until he did even though I was tired. It’s almost like they go to some training course to train women to submit/lose their identity; the number of similarities are uncanny!

This is good advice. My ex always used the love bombing approach when I tried to end things. It took me several attempts to finally leave him when I realised these things weren’t genuine.
Also watch out for him threatening self harm or worse.

Yep same here!
He also used to cause rows with me when I was ill. I could be throwing up all night and he would be just vile to me. Any time I got a promotion or we were on holiday. He also used the sleep tactic too by dragging my pillows or quilt away from me. He would get very angry with me if I was tired or if I fell asleep. Also if I wasn’t sitting to attention when he came in the room - I.e. if I was just scrolling on my phone or whatever. They’re all cut from the same cloth!

Coercive control is all those little behaviours that make your life smaller so you are only left with him. Not going out because he doesn’t like that friend. Not doing that job because it’s too many hours. Not doing the shopping because he’ll do it for you. Not driving because he’ll pick you up. Falling out with your family so you don’t see them either. Checking your phone because you’ve shown you can’t be trusted. Not sleeping because he wants to spend time with you (but really because it puts you off balance). Give up work because he’ll support you,

Ditto. @Sunglasses1979 you see? It’s not you! It’s happened to so many others here