AIBU to think my fiance overreacted by getting a younger woman's number because I double booked by accident, and threw my belongings about?

[Sunglasses1979]

I am trying to work out whether I am being unfair or whether my fiancé genuinely overreacts to situations.
I was spending a long weekend with him and we had plans for Monday. Friday to Sunday eve were lovely and we did sightseeing etc. then went to his and were planning to stay there for a few nights.

However, I realised I had accidentally double-booked the Monday because my adult DD had arranged for me to meet her new boyfriend and his father over lunch. It was important to her and had been organised for a while. DD has is ND and has severe MH issues; this is the first "normal" relationship she has had and it's a huge deal for her.

I told my fiancé on Sunday afternoon that I would go to the lunch for a few hours and then come back afterwards so we could still spend the Monday evening together and the following days.

He was furious. He said I was choosing other people over him and repeatedly referred to my daughter's boyfriend and his father as "strange men". He seemed particularly upset that I would be spending time with another man, even though it was DD's BF's dad not just a random stranger.

After I had told him I had double booked and would need to go for a few hours we were arguing about it non-stop for hours. I was crying at one point and I kept saying I was sorry, it was human error, not deliberate. After all this arguing I was tired and wanted to stay in, but at around 11pm he insisted we go out. While we were out he deliberately started talking to a much younger woman, introduced himself to her, claimed he got her Instagram and then repeatedly talked about how he was meeting her for dinner the next day. His argument was that if I was going for lunch with strange men the next day, then why couldn't he meet up with a new person too? Even though it was not the same at all, obviously. The young woman must have been about 20 and we are both in our 40's so it just felt really weird and "off".

The argument continued after we got back to his for most of the night and I got very little sleep. The next morning I had to get an extremely expensive Uber to make sure I did not let my daughter down and miss the lunch. He had said not to come back to his after lunch but then called me when I was in the Uber and asked me to come back to his after all.

The lunch itself was lovely. Afterwards, I travelled back to his. However, when I arrived we had another argument. During it, he picked up my bags and threw them across the room in anger, they went everywhere as he threw them so hard.

He later continued to use the lunch as an example of me not caring about him enough and prioritising other people over our relationship, and how I like "strange men".

From my point of view, I attended an important family event for a few hours and still made the effort to return afterwards. From his point of view, I had disrespected him and chosen other people over him.

When I told him how much the Uber cost he took offence because I have never gotten an Uber to his even if I am running late; he said he didn't realise I have money in this way.

When I went back to his after the lunch I had to get a standing room only train in the middle of the heatwave; I don't like public transport at the best of times and he kept asking when I arrived what did I want to do; meet his friends in the pub or go straight to his. I said I don't care and was almost in tears as I was finding the journey so stressful. I didn't realise but he had me on loud speaker so all his friends heard me when I said "I don't care" and now he's saying his friends all think I am horrible and rude to him. When it was taken out of context and they didn't know we had been arguing all night and that he'd got a much younger woman's contact details the night before.

Am I missing something or was he overreacting?

Wow, two users on a website with tens of thousands of us have a slightly similar issue! Must be the exact same person!

Give it a rest, you're not helping the OP and you're annoying the rest of us.

I would log out of all devices and change your passwords on emails and any platforms and accounts you use. It's a pain in the backside but him mentioning he could spy on you is making me think he already is.

OP you report that you are leaving your abusive partner. You say that he was verbally abusive (which is domestic abuse in the UK) and that he exhibited coercive control. They know what this is.

Don’t get trapped in the sunk costs fallacy.Some people think that because they’ve invested time, love, money and hope in a relationship, or they’ve defended a partner in front of others, that they have to somehow make things work.

It’s ok to say ( to yourself and others) that this relationship is unfixable. This man is unfixable. It’s not giving up, it’s escaping. Getting out of this relationship will save your sanity, your wider relationships, your self- esteem (which might take some time and some professional support) and potentially your life.

There have just been a couple of coincidences where yeah i suspect he has looked at my phone. I think he mostly wants to frighten me but I will do this, it is good advice thanks

Yes the sunk costs thing feels very real today. I think I knew on some level that it is not salvageable but he has been my world for last few years and more and more so of late as I seem to be spending most of my free time with him. To the detriment of my other friendships I might add.

op, please call Womens Aid or your local DA agency for advice. Borrow a phone from a friend though, don't use your own. Tell everyone what's happening so they can watch out for you.

Wishing you a peaceful and happy future without this man OP.

Fantastic progress !

You really don’t need him.
Keep going OP.
Listen hard to your friends and family who know him.

I hope you can untangle your life from his, quickly and without more abuse or love bombing (which is control!) from him.

You are no longer answerable to him.
How good does that feel alread! .

Absolutely change all your passwords. And getting a Ring doorbell is a must. I'd overnight it if possible.

What follows re devices is based on my being in the US. The UK Apple Store may do things differently.

If you are seriously concerned about Malware or key loggers and you have an iPhone or other Apple device, you can schedule an appointment with the Apple Store's Genius Bar and they will guide you through a factory reset. But first I'd get a malware detector (I use 'Malwarebytes' but I'm not endorsing or recommending it) and run a full scan.

A factory reset will completely wipe the phone then you install a new operating system from iCloud. In essence, it's a 'brand new phone'. The thing is, you can't use a full backup to reinstall as that will just reinstall any 'bugs' on your phone. But it's generally safe to back up certain files like contacts, pictures, or other 'personal' things and use those. You'll also have to reload all your apps from the App Store. Same would go for a MacBook or other Apple device.

TBH, I'd only do this as a last resort because it's a real pain and very labour intensive. But I would completely delete any apps or software that you don't recognize or that he's either told you to install or has installed for you.

As far as the breakup itself, I'd simply text him something along these lines:

"I've been giving our relationship a great deal of thought. I have realized that I am not happy and that it no longer works for me so I am ending it. I see no need for discussion, my decision is final and I expect you to respect it.

Do not contact me in any way, do not come to my home or workplace. If you do, I will report you to the police for harassment.

I am returning/have returned your ring via <insert delivery method>."

Blunt and to the point. It does not blame or criticize him so there is really nothing for him to 'refute'. And you owe him no justification. Hopefully he doesn't have things at your place, but if he does you can return them with the ring. Will he attempt to contact you? Yes. I would probably not block him right off the bat so if he issues any threats you'll have them to show the police.

I have skimmed through the replies to you, but have read all of your responses.

Someone mentioned to you to look out for / watch out for the threats of self harm.

Yes he may very well try that on you, or tell you of thoughts of suicide

in which case you report it to the police every single time as he will get a welfare visit.

A parent should always put a vulnerable child first 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Not that I am aware of, and I can't think of an occasion when he has had mine for long enough to have made a copy.
I am more worried about him turning up and making a scene in my road as there are lots of curtain twitchers and he knows that I hate a fuss.

Leave. NOW! He is abusive!
there is no grey area here. You must leave.

Is there someone you can stay with for a few days after ending it op? Take a week off if you work and go away for a week?

it’s awful what’s happening to you, the abuse, the fear, the isolation, I feel really sorry for you that you are being subjected to this and have been for some time.living under these conditions. It’s classic text book coercive control, and I suspect you’re not the first.

i know you won’t do it, but I’d go to the police. Explain what you’ve explained here, it is coercive control, it is a crime. And they will help you through the break up part and ensure your safety, so at least you feel someone is there.

Good the more curtain twitchers there are the better !!! more witnesses for you and you will be safer.

do not under any circumstances let him in, if needed a neighbour can phone the police and report a disturbance !

You need to end this now. RIP the plaster off. He is abusive and controlling. State that if he causes a scene or threatens you in anyway you will be calling the police.

Maybe have a plan for this? Obviously he needs to know it's at an end but if he did turn up curtain twitchers are actually very useful. It's an audience so the more fuss / shouting, the more likely someone is to phone the police.

Talk it through with someone you know but don't be embarrassed into opening the door to keep him quiet. Once you've taken the first step and told him clearly that the relationship is over and that you don't want any further contract, then you put in place measures to protect you and anyone you live with (ie DD).

People have talked about strategies up thread. The first thing to do is decide when / how you'll tell him and then look at how you'll manage his inevitable pressure - and who will give you support.

Please don't assume he has not got a key - remember how he knew things he shouldn't and hacked into your phone. Safer to assume the worst. Most locks can be changed quite easily and cheaply.
Well done for listening to your gut and coming on here to check it out. It is going to be like a weight has lifted once you have made the break.

I really think this is a police matter.

You have been abused and controlled.
You sound scared of him.

Is this what you would want in a relationship for your daughter?

You sound so vulnerable that I really think the support of the police could be helpful, especially as you are afraid of him coming to your home.

Do not under any circumstances allow him in if he is causing a scene.
Do not risk him seriously hurting you.
Ring the police.

Do a Clare's law on him.

Please leave him and don't look back

A part of coercive control is making you feel so bad about going out without him that you stop seeing friends and family to keep him happy. The abuser doesn't have to say,,, You are not meeting that person, they just make you feel so shit about it that you give up.
I'm surprised he hasn't tried to move in with you, they usually move in quick so they can watch you all the time.

This is exactly what he wants; you alone without any support or help so when he escalates this, which he will if you stay, there’s literally no one to help you get out, and by then, he will have such a number on your self confidence and likely your financial independence, you will feel unable to do it alone. You have no choice but to end this relationship. Do it over the phone, don’t put yourself in danger by doing it in person, you owe him nothing. Men this aggressive, angry and unpredictable can and do kill their partners, and when you’re trying to end the relationship is a particularly risky time.

Only stay with him if you want an utterly miserable life.

If not move on and be happy xx abuse only ever gets worse xx

Op just checking you know where all your important docs are like passport, driving licence etc?
I think you're amazing to begin the journey to leave him. My ex was not quite as bad but would get into a sulk if I went out with my friends, put me down, and then was ott, love bombing etc. Huge luck to you x