Is this normal? Joining husband at in-laws!

[ArnosLeach]

Tell me if this is normal.

Husband pops to see his family with younger child.

Wife drops elder child with friend and then meets her own friend for an hour or so before collecting elder child again.

Would you then pop into in-laws where husband and younger child is?

If I wanted to, but if I didn’t go to start, I probably don’t.

Though Dh would obviously take both children with him unless the visit with the friend was planned first.

I would do this too - couldn’t be dealing with any angst or stress involved in stewing on it!

I wouldn’t dob DC2 in.

This is for DH to address.

Personally I grew up with extended family and in laws arriving and leaving chaotically, often changing who was in which car on the way back if it turned out to suit someone better.

Not all the time but often enough that I cannot remember any etiquette of exclusion.

None of the alternatives in the first post are unreasonable, but what matters in the later post is that the in-laws aren't great with the older child, which is horrible and needs to be controlled so that that thinking doesn't seep into your own family in any way, whether it's the younger child picking up on it (more than has already happened) or the older child not feeling accepted. That's the part that needs you to intervene. I'd do it in a super innocent and nice way but which leaves the MIL with a clear picture of where you stand on it.

DH needs to know. It is his family too.

Agreed.

I wouldn't worry about half heard conversations repeated. You can read the room. You say they are hospitable people - may not have been talking about you at all, could be a completely different scenario.

If you are really concerned, ask your husband and he may be able to give you a simple explanation. Otherwise forget it.

It's your choice whether, or how often, you go there.

Again, I don’t see why people think this is about your daughter. They don’t mention her at all.

I think it is also about their relationship with elder child.

Whilst they might be hospitable to family and friends/even people they hardly know, you and elder child (who I presume is yours) aren’t covered by any of those titles aren’t to them family, you aren’t friends and aren’t strangers who they want to leave a good impression on.

Your dh will be aware of their feelings towards you and elder child and elder child will know their feelings towards them.

It is up to your dh to curtail his and youngest child’s involvement with them if they don’t welcome both of you

SIL’s comment FFS always rocks up interested to know how many times her dh comes with her or rocks up.

I might not say anything but engineer a house move further away from this enmeshment

I would also secretly start learning Italian

I think some of these comments are pretty strange.

It sounds like OP's DH sees his parents/family very often and lots by himself/with his child - OP is not constantly making her presence felt there in the way her SIL has made it seem here.

Tbh I don't think it's unusual at all for someone to mostly come round with their husband/wife to see family once they have a shared child. I don't really remember visiting my own grandparents with just the related parent, we usually went as a 4 unless there was a reason someone was busy.

I think OP's SIL has been so rude here, especially if her own partner is often present.

V odd, OP. I'd always assume I'm invited to everything at in-laws that DH is invited to and vice versa unless, in either scenario, it's something v specific e.g. a hen night, boys football trip or whatever. In fact, it's almost the opposite i.e. if I fancy a bit of time to myself and don't join in they or DH might feel I'm avoiding spending time with them. They sound rather possessive of your H and youngest DC. Sorry that you've been made to feel so unwelcome.

What are their issues with the eldest?

I don't know. It depends on what was arranged. If I wanted to do so then I would, but I'd check that was alright and they weren't out or something.

Otherwise no I'd just go home or do something else.

If someone wants you to come they invite you usually. Then you can either accept it or decline. Or if it's informal then you just pop in if you feel like it?

Yes! I like my in laws an FIL makes a banging cup of tea so any chance to have one and I’m there.

My ex’s mother on the other hand (who I narrowly escaped becoming my MIL) I would have done anything to avoid her, up to and including faking my death.

Really just depends on if you like them or not.

No they aren't. They're my husband's family.

My only knowledge of such things is my goddaughter in Switzerland. Italian/Portuguese husband went to his parents frequently for meals and she chose not to go, which I believe was frowned upon.

You behaved completely normally.

is there any back story? Why don't they want you around?

What a strange comment? You don’t ‘dob’ within families, you have open communication & address issues.

Your DH's family don't see your DD as their family. Did you sort out the issue over the deposit? Did things go downhill after that? It sounds as though you aren't really welcome, unless invited. You aren't going to change their opinion. I wouldn't visit, unless invited because your children will both start to become aware of how they feel. My personality means I'd pull MIL aside and tell her to not speak like that in front of the youngest. You know when they die there's going to be conditions that cut your eldest out. You and your DH meed to talk about it, because I'm unsure why you are surprised? Two years ago they made it clear that your eldest wasn't going to get anything from them.

Yes, this struck me. It is not exactly secretkeeping or division, but on the way. Don't parents need to be open and make decisions or sort feelings together?

I’d be more pissed off they are talking about you in Italian and your child understand it to tell you, cos they are doing it in front of them.

time to have that conversation with your husband

Well I have been for dinner with my in laws without my husband there. And I would definitely pop in. We aren't even particularly close but it's not weird to do that either.

I was nodding along with agreement all down the first page - as in 'it depends', but it is neither odd to go or not to go, until I got you this post of yours

Elder child is from a previous relationship.
Hospitality is their middle name.
There has been a major issue about their relationship with elder child but when in front of them they are warm and welcoming.
They were doing a BBQ and sister’s husband was
there as well as cousins and FiL’s friend.

As that is clearly quite relevant and I am wondering why you didn't put that in the opening post.

I probably would, but depends on your relationship with them I suppose. I adore my in-laws and often see them without hubs if he’s working.