AIBU to think Mum should split her estate equally between us?

[MsFrumble]

It’s an inheritance one. I’m in a blended family, mum had two sets of kids with two husbands and now says she is thinking about splitting her estate according to who needs / deserves it most. AIBU to tell her not to do this, and just to make it equal , even though it’s her money

My mum had two kids, (my half brother and sister) with her first husband, then me and my brother with our dad.

My half siblings will likely inherit from their dad and step mum (they couldn’t have more kids) and they will leave a lot through lucky property decisions. Me and my full brother will inherit from our dad, who will leave a moderate amount, through frugality.

Could all change depending on care needs right but this is the staus quo now.

Mum had a conversation with me where she said she wants to divide her estate up according to her own logic rather than split it equally. She wants to leave…

Eldest half brother - a token amount. She feels like he’ll get a load from his dad and also has had his inheritance “from the state”, he lived in council housing for a while, bought cheaply under right to buy and gained a lot when it sold and had a grant to go to uni. He now has a house, and has always worked hard, and has two kids.

Half sister - mum wants to leave her a just under a third. Despite the fact she will inherit half from her dad and step mum (probably loads) mum feels this is cancelled out as she’s had a harder time of it, no uni, doesn’t own a house, or have a stable partner etc. Chose a cool, arty precarious job that means she’s had loads of fun and travel and rubbed shoulders with cool people, but is now ageing out of the profession, and is left with no prospects and no assets. I can see the logic of this, but it was her choice to pick a fun but precarious life and she has had A LOT of fun, if you know what I mean.

My brother - a third. Had to pay fees for uni, prioritised lots of extra study so has prestigious but medium paying job, no wife, kids or property:

Me - a third, I paid the biggest uni fees and have got a good career, but haven’t been able to afford extra study to peruse a more passionate route, as costs went up and loans down. I’ve got two kids, a partner and we own a house. Mum has mumbled about possibly leaving me less as I have a partner, but hasn’t changed her mind about his now we have kids, as they obviously cost a lot.

Obviously mum will do what she wants, but I told her in my view she should just leave her money equally, even though I’d get more if she gave eldest step brother a smaller portion. It’s not fair to penalise elder brother for growing up at a time when the state and circumstances were easier, especially when he has worked hard and half sister, who had the same easier circumstances has lived like the grasshopper who sang all summer, but would still inherit.

I told her if she does this, she will essentially be leaving eldest brother or whichever siblings she decides has already had enough windfalls, with a final act that makes them feel less loved, and that will doubtless completely fuck up our sibling relationships after she is gone.

There can be a difference between equally and fairly. It would be equal to give all children the same share, it would be fair to give them portions to put them all on the same footing as one another or related to other support they have had or what support they might need in the future.
The issues with that is a person's needs might change over time.

I'm one of 3, technically I have one full and one half sibling but we have been brought up in one family with my father very much being dad to my half sister. 5 years ago sister 1 (half sister) was a single mum rebuilding her life after leaving an abusive husband, sister 2 was climbing the career ladder and has a long term partner, no plans for children, I was in a good job, as was my partner and we had just had a child together. Flash forward to now, sister 1 has moved up the career ladder and is more financially secure than she has ever been, sister 2 has took a significant paycut to escape a toxic workplace that were trying to manage her out of the position, I've been made redundant, had a second child and currently too unwell with an unidentified illness and unable to work although our lifestyle can be fully covered by my partners income.

5 years ago my parents could have shifted their will to favour sister 1, then sister 2 then myself but now it would be fairer to do sister 2 then myself then sister 1. As it currently is both of my parents wills have everything split equally three ways

I would caution my parents that situations can change, no inheritance is a guarantee and if she doesn't explain her reasoning to the child with a token amount they may feel hard done by but having given my thoughts once and once only I would stay quiet and accept what ever they decided was best in their eyes.

But - actually the fairest thing is equal split and each does what they will with it.

One might thrive in their 20s and struggle with unemployment/ill health/death/divorce, any number of things, in their 50s? Or continue to thrive.

An equal split is a bet on life behaving as it does - unpredictably.

This x1000000
Not around to see the fall out
We have this in our family at the moment. What MIL doesn't understand is that her choice will drive a wedge between her children. She's aided and abetted by the one she thinks she's 'looking after' - in reality, what he really needs, and she should be trying to facilitate, is all of her children feeling they were treated equally and in loving contact for the rest of THEIR lives and supporting each other in all ways. Instead, she's memorialising her favourite child and their relationship.

Yes, it should 100% be equally split.
yes, of course “her money, her choice”. But it’s really hurtful to treat children (no matter the age) differently.

I would disagree about this. Finding out the money will be unevenly split before your parent dies is better than afterwards. And I say that as a girl who grew up on a farm and so when my DF died my sister and I each got <£10K, one of my brothers got a 3 bed house and the other brother got a million pound farm. We all knew the one who was working in the family business would get the farm from when we were children. My will splits everything evenly between my DC so I do disagree with parents splitting things unevenly but I'm not going to fall out with my brothers because my parents have old-fashioned views.

The OP is actually advocating that she will get LESS money as she feels her half-brother is getting the crappy end of the stick.

As some others have said, ultimately it is her money and will.

However.... as a parent, I fully agree with you. I think it's really shoddy parenting and just shows blatant favouritism to give different amounts to each child based on what you think they "deserve". Ultimately they are all equally your kids, so should be treated equally.

Personally, my plan when the time comes will be to stipulate a set amount for any grandchildren, for example £10k each or whatever, and the rest is to be divided equally between my children. That way, my kids get an equal share of the bulk of the inheritance, and any grandkids all get the same amount too, albeit more of a token inheritance.

Agree entirely @Peachie31

My d friend is struggling at the moment - the parents split a large farm, property holdings and shares into a split that favored two boys and one daughter (who never stopped poor mouthing).

My d friend never wanted to put her parents under pressure - she is too dignified for that. They assumed she is fine and left her a few thousand.

So now she has to accept that, and recognize that her sibs accept and respect their parents wishes - ie they are holding on to the lot and not giving her anything,

Terrible and somewhat high handed by the parents.

I think you're right to be concerned. He might not have an issue with it but surely she should discuss it with him? That's what my in-laws did. They called DH and had an open discussion that his brothers both really struggle financially but DH and I don't, so they were thinking of updating their will to make sure the money went where it was needed rather than just splitting equally. We'll still get a few sentimental bits but no money/property. We were absolutely fine with it, so they've made the change, but if they hadn't told us and we'd found out after they were gone it would have been really upsetting. It's not about the money really so much as the potential fallout from your oldest brother feeling left out/unloved.

But if all op cared about was moeny, she'd keep quiet. She's advocating getting less to not screw u with sibling relationship and sour her eldest child's view of their relationship.

OP I think it's reasonable to talk baoi9it, in a have yo u thought how Steve will feel, that it might cause tension etc.

Of course in part it depends on amounts.

There's nothing wrong with your mum wanting all four of you to inherit equally, but neither is there anything wrong with her wanting to apportion her estate on the basis of "need".

Both are equally logical and both are a reasonable basis for her to bequeath her estate.

But if you know what she intends to do she has obviously already told you. Why doesn't she just explain to all four of you now while she is still alive what she is doing and why she is doing it?

Alternatively she could leave your half-brother a letter along with her will assuring him that she loved him as much as her other three children but explaining why he was only getting a token bequest.

I don't see the problem unless your mother wants intends to make it a problem

I can see as a parent you might want to help the child you perceive as getting a worse deal, or a harder life or any number of other disadvantages. But how could you really ever calculate this? There 5 of us in a blended family of steps and halves. 4 of us have partners, three have children and there is a 20 year gap between the eldest and youngest.

My kids got an inheritance that will help them through university from my DH's side GPs (missing out two genrations to do this), two of my other sibling's kids will also likely benefit from their grandparents - but that hasn't happened yet - so who knows? Two don't have children - do they get more or less? One was given a property by my parents, but has a huge mortgage and student loans, should they get more or less in the final reckoning? I went through the awful divorce, my youngest sibling will likely be dealing with the elderly years. Who gets the financial recompense? I actually have no idea how much my parents have given to other siblings as it is none of my business, but it will have been based on needs at the time.

There are personal lifestyle choices, other families and in laws, children and other dependents, illness, luck, foolishness, sage decisions, relationships and levels of contact, and finally, likely very little money at all after care and resifdential homes. I don't understand how anyone can make a calculation that is anything other than equal, that woudln't then feel (even if not intended) like a preference or judgement.

You're not wrong, but realistically you probably won't change her mind, and the chips will fall where they do. At least she's told you about it in advance, so you have time to make peace with it, and aren't labouring under any sort of misapprehension.

I think you have misunderstood- OP will stand to inherit LESS with the equal split, so she is being selfless in this regard.

I do agree that it will most likely cause a family feud - whatever people say, inheritance from a parent comes with a huge emotional tag.

I don’t think it is possible to say (in most circumstances), which child deserves it more
The who did all the right things and ended up with a reasonably successful life?
The one who made more hedonistic choices and now has the consequences of that?
The one with a partner and children and, so more outgoings?
The one who is single and has less outgoing but also less support?
Who has the larger mortgage? But they may have a larger income?
What if the partner/child/grandchild becomes seriously ill, disabled? Etc etc.

Short of anyone winning the lottery or becoming a the lowest form of criminal, I think an equal split is the fairest.

These "what-about" scenarios just further point out why you just need to treat your own children equally, regardless of the circumstances. It keeps it fair and doesn't give even a whiff of favouritism.

My FIL wanted to do this as his daughter (so DH's sister) wasn't speaking to him, my DH told him that he would be very upset if he did this and destroyed his relationship with his sibling. He ended up not doing it in the end.

I think if someone tells you what they're planning to do, they have started a conversation and you can absolutely say what you think. But whether it will change her mind is another matter.

Tough one op.

FruAashild

But you’re just not the type obviously to get upset/ upset things. Every single case I know including my own family where one didn’t talk to us for over 2 years because of what my mum said, also my dad’s family, three friends’ family- all where parents declared ‘I’ve decided’- and someone disagreed. And the parent in each case said I’d rather have it out now. Well thanks!!!!

You are completely wrong. OP will receive the most from the will. Her half-brother will receive the least and she is worried about how he will feel.

I think the biggest mistake is not to discuss your plans with all of your family, so that they can understand why you came to the decision.

We knew that my DP were leaving their estate equally divided between their grandchildren - DB and I were happy about that when they spoke to us - had we not been I am sure they would have thought again.

I have already spoken to my adult DC and told them that if we decide to do the same, it will be shared as if left equally through our DC, so if one has 3 DC and the other 1, the DGC who has no siblings will get 50% and the 3 siblings would get the remaining 50% shared between them. As there are currently no DGC, there is no emotional tie, and when decisions are made, everyone will know that it was to treat our DC equally rather than favouring one DGC over their cousins.

But talk, explain and listen to what the responses are. Don't just discuss with one DC - include them all.

Also Wills should be updated regularly - if necessary - as circumstances change.

We know that DH's sister was actively trying to persuade their DP to leave everything to her, as she needed it more - apparently DH had enough (!) and their sibling who lived overseas didn't deserve anything. Fortunately PIL were switched on enough to shut that down immediately.

Honest conversation with everyone involved would solve most of these issues.

Hope your Mum eventually sees your point OP.

Whether it was her choice wasn't the question. 🙄

One problem with leaving it to the one who 'needs it most' is that it quickly becomes a comment on lifestyle, choices, jobs and money management.
The one who 'needs it' may need it because they have made choices to spend money, or to have a big family or to take a job in the charity sector etc etc. Their choice is now being reframed as 'poor them' they need money.

The other sibling, who may have made different choices, is now effectively being punished for being careful with money, or choosing a higher paying career etc.

Unless it is someone who needs long term care, these selections on how to divide the money are never without judgement.

I completely agree with you, it should be split evenly, we all make different life choices.

If for example there were two siblings, one who was very successful and owned property and assets etc, and then another who had not done well and had no assets then why should the one who hasn’t done so well get more of the inheritance just because they need it more, it is like penalising hard work.

Having said that, it is her money and she can do as she pleases, whether you agree with it or not.

Yes I agree it should be equally split. My Mum (who always favoured my brother) is starting to make noises about leaving him more due to our personal circumstances. She doesn't even know the ins and outs of our finances so it's totally ridiculous. One of the many reasons I am now low contact with her.

My parents told us they had divided it up equally; at the time, one sibling was a millionaire, one was struggling, and two of us were doing ok. When the time came, the millionaire was on their uppers through no fault of their own, and the struggling one was in improved circumstances. We all felt that the money was irrelevant compared to knowing that we were all loved and valued equally.