AIBU to think Mum should split her estate equally between us?

[MsFrumble]

It’s an inheritance one. I’m in a blended family, mum had two sets of kids with two husbands and now says she is thinking about splitting her estate according to who needs / deserves it most. AIBU to tell her not to do this, and just to make it equal , even though it’s her money

My mum had two kids, (my half brother and sister) with her first husband, then me and my brother with our dad.

My half siblings will likely inherit from their dad and step mum (they couldn’t have more kids) and they will leave a lot through lucky property decisions. Me and my full brother will inherit from our dad, who will leave a moderate amount, through frugality.

Could all change depending on care needs right but this is the staus quo now.

Mum had a conversation with me where she said she wants to divide her estate up according to her own logic rather than split it equally. She wants to leave…

Eldest half brother - a token amount. She feels like he’ll get a load from his dad and also has had his inheritance “from the state”, he lived in council housing for a while, bought cheaply under right to buy and gained a lot when it sold and had a grant to go to uni. He now has a house, and has always worked hard, and has two kids.

Half sister - mum wants to leave her a just under a third. Despite the fact she will inherit half from her dad and step mum (probably loads) mum feels this is cancelled out as she’s had a harder time of it, no uni, doesn’t own a house, or have a stable partner etc. Chose a cool, arty precarious job that means she’s had loads of fun and travel and rubbed shoulders with cool people, but is now ageing out of the profession, and is left with no prospects and no assets. I can see the logic of this, but it was her choice to pick a fun but precarious life and she has had A LOT of fun, if you know what I mean.

My brother - a third. Had to pay fees for uni, prioritised lots of extra study so has prestigious but medium paying job, no wife, kids or property:

Me - a third, I paid the biggest uni fees and have got a good career, but haven’t been able to afford extra study to peruse a more passionate route, as costs went up and loans down. I’ve got two kids, a partner and we own a house. Mum has mumbled about possibly leaving me less as I have a partner, but hasn’t changed her mind about his now we have kids, as they obviously cost a lot.

Obviously mum will do what she wants, but I told her in my view she should just leave her money equally, even though I’d get more if she gave eldest step brother a smaller portion. It’s not fair to penalise elder brother for growing up at a time when the state and circumstances were easier, especially when he has worked hard and half sister, who had the same easier circumstances has lived like the grasshopper who sang all summer, but would still inherit.

I told her if she does this, she will essentially be leaving eldest brother or whichever siblings she decides has already had enough windfalls, with a final act that makes them feel less loved, and that will doubtless completely fuck up our sibling relationships after she is gone.

I think she feels like it’s okay, because in her head, she’s levelling an unequal playing field / counteracting undeserved luck and circumstances, so her motivations are sort of socialist rather than coming from a place of meanness or favourites. Although she actually does favour half sister, as she is very happy go lucky and charming, and plays up to mum’s sympathies, so is given a lot of lenience.

She just doesn’t seem to get that her - makes sense on paper, system of fairness - is going to have a horrible emotional fall out

It does not make sense on paper as she can’t see into the future.

Obviously her money her choice etc etc.

But if it was my will, I’d split it evenly between my four children. I think her way is a bit insane. Less to your eldest brother, in part because he’ll get a lot from his dad, but his sister (your half sister) will get more even though she will also presumably get a lot from her dad? Personally I wouldn’t ever consider what inheritance people might get from other people (it’s not guaranteed, you don’t know what others will do, and imo you should just be fair with your own money and leave it at that), but if I did consider other inheritances, I’d do it evenly!

And she cannot assess all finances of children, children in law and grandchildren accurately.

The her money, her choice comments really wind me up. Of course this is true, it will never not be true. But two things can be true at the same time. What’s also true is that people use wills to punish or make a point. They are then not alive to see the ramifications, some of which echo down generations. If you think your mum will listen then you can warn her but once it’s your money you could give some to your DB and see if your other siblings want to do the same. Whilst that doesn’t erase the hurt, it retains sibling relationships.

I don’t think so, I think she’s only mentioned this to me. I advised her not to discuss it while she was still at the wondering stage, and that if after deliberation she still wanted to leave things unequally, to either talk to other siblings and try to explain her system of reasoning, or leave long loving letters to everyone explaining. Doubt that would prevent the upset, but might mitigate it a little.

Although for all I know she may still feel I should get less because of my well to do partner, and may be whispering to the others about this.

How do your other siblings feel? If they're on board you can ignore her and spilt equally.

Did you actually read the OP? She wants her mum to leave all kids equal amounts even though that will reduce her share!

Yes in France it is the other way around and you cannot legally entirely disinherit your children. You have to leave up to 50% of your estate to one child, 66.6% split between two, 75% split between three etc.

It’s obviously a system that comes with its own problems, I have a French friend whose alcoholic sister is about to get an inheritance, and they are all worried she will immediately drink herself to death with it.

But it does demonstrate that the - “her money, her choice” principle is far from universally accepted.

The French err on the side of the will being part of parental responsibility / the importance of heirship I guess.

Split equally, maybe directly between grandchildren if the children aren’t in dire need of it.

@MsFrumble you're right to encourage her to split it equally between her four children.

It depends on SO many factors though.

Does she have separate finances to your dad? Are they married? (as what could happen is your mum passes first, everything goes to your dad, then he leaves it to just you and your brother and not his step children...)

No one knows how much care they might need when they are older.

By splitting it equally, regardless of financially circumstance, it is fair. She should work on the basis there is NO inheritance money from anywhere (as for all she knows, her ex and his wife might use it all for care home fees).

I don’t think they know. I think my full and half brother would do this.

Half sister has form for being quite grabby though - e.g. if someone announces they will pay for a meal, she instantly announces she is ordering steak and lobster and three pudding etc. - so I expect she might not go along with a fair split, even if it was her full brother, who she is much closer to, who was disadvantaged.

In any case, it wouldn’t solve the emotional hurt.

Are you hard of understanding? OP said she would benefit more personally if her mum split her estate unequally, but that she would prefer an equal split that would give her less. So many hateful posters on this issue.

To clarify, I really love my half sister (the grasshopper who sang), she’s creative, cool and has the sunniest temperament, unlike half brother (potential disinherited one) who is quite grumbly.

I just also know her well enough to know she just is the kind of person who would be unable to resist the extra money, even at the cost of sibling relationships. She’s a short term thinker and quite self-interested, materialistic - hence why she has had a really fun life, and is now running out of luck, money, youth etc. A fair chunk of it would also go on Bolivian marching powder, something I know my mum knows about, but has repressed.

The choice is your mothers' and she should not be persuaded by anyone, or feel pressured to make one choice above another, regardless of the reasons other people use to justify it.

Inheritance is a very personal choice.

I consider the subject of inheritance a closed matter and not discuss it.

She has chosen to discuss it with me though …

And for some people it's just one last opportunity to play favourites and fuck over the scapegoated child.

So you give him part of your money, if you feel that strongly about it

That's not the point at all. It's not about the amount of money, it's about what it says to give one sibling less in your will. Unless it's all discussed and understood beforehand, this could be extremely upsetting at a time of already heightened emotional distress.

My mums friend has written one of her two DDs out of her will as she is pretty wealthy. . Her DD found out and hasn't spoken to her mother since. It can cause so much hurt.

IMO, unless you have a really good reason (such as addiction, or disability), you really should leave your estate in equal shares to your children.

That said, there's not much the OP can do about it, other than give her mum her opinion, then leave her to it.

@Doggoneoutforapeeagain I think you’ve misunderstood the post. OP is saying that she thinks it’s unfair, and is wondering if others would agree, and if she should speak to her Mum about it.

She wasn’t asking if she legally had any control over what her Mum put in her will.

I can only speak for my own situation, but l think dm will do this to my sibling, and I. Sibling is the golden child, has chosen not to buy a house (has the means to do so), but dm thinks no house means no money.
Due to sibling being the golden child, I have always felt less loved by dm (she is aware of this). If this uneven inheritance does happen, it'll just confirm it all. I'm the one expected to give all of the emotional support to her, as sibling cannot do this, and has had excuses repeatedly made, and has done for years.

My dcs are young, but they'll be equal always.

@Miranda65 read the OP.

I think it's better, fairer and easier to just split everything equally between children, anything else has the potential to cause huge upset, anger and resentment.

I don't think it's up to parents to decide who is 'more' deserving. Anything could change at any point, I agree with you OP - just treat your kids equally.

Very different situation so not relevant.

I agree with you OP. In my family in the generations above me wills were divided unevenly and it destroyed sibling relationships.

It didn’t matter that the deceased had good reasons for the split, the child with the smaller share still felt less loved. It also meant their children grew up divided from their cousins, so sixty years on that will is still impacting the family.

Why potentially leave your grieving children at odds with their siblings?

I can see that these decisions are difficult. For example, my brother had ASD (undiagnosed, as it didn’t exist in the 1980s, but in retrospect we know he had it), so struggled to get a job, and would probably have always struggled to support himself. I’m a doctor. So I suspect my Mum’s will might have left more to my brother than me, if he hadn’t died at age 20. And I would have understood that.

But in general, I think if you feel that one of your kids needs more support than others, you should quietly give them that financial support while you’re alive, if you can. That’s much better than leaving your children wondering, after your death, if you didn’t love them as much.