AIBU to think Mum should split her estate equally between us?

[MsFrumble]

It’s an inheritance one. I’m in a blended family, mum had two sets of kids with two husbands and now says she is thinking about splitting her estate according to who needs / deserves it most. AIBU to tell her not to do this, and just to make it equal , even though it’s her money

My mum had two kids, (my half brother and sister) with her first husband, then me and my brother with our dad.

My half siblings will likely inherit from their dad and step mum (they couldn’t have more kids) and they will leave a lot through lucky property decisions. Me and my full brother will inherit from our dad, who will leave a moderate amount, through frugality.

Could all change depending on care needs right but this is the staus quo now.

Mum had a conversation with me where she said she wants to divide her estate up according to her own logic rather than split it equally. She wants to leave…

Eldest half brother - a token amount. She feels like he’ll get a load from his dad and also has had his inheritance “from the state”, he lived in council housing for a while, bought cheaply under right to buy and gained a lot when it sold and had a grant to go to uni. He now has a house, and has always worked hard, and has two kids.

Half sister - mum wants to leave her a just under a third. Despite the fact she will inherit half from her dad and step mum (probably loads) mum feels this is cancelled out as she’s had a harder time of it, no uni, doesn’t own a house, or have a stable partner etc. Chose a cool, arty precarious job that means she’s had loads of fun and travel and rubbed shoulders with cool people, but is now ageing out of the profession, and is left with no prospects and no assets. I can see the logic of this, but it was her choice to pick a fun but precarious life and she has had A LOT of fun, if you know what I mean.

My brother - a third. Had to pay fees for uni, prioritised lots of extra study so has prestigious but medium paying job, no wife, kids or property:

Me - a third, I paid the biggest uni fees and have got a good career, but haven’t been able to afford extra study to peruse a more passionate route, as costs went up and loans down. I’ve got two kids, a partner and we own a house. Mum has mumbled about possibly leaving me less as I have a partner, but hasn’t changed her mind about his now we have kids, as they obviously cost a lot.

Obviously mum will do what she wants, but I told her in my view she should just leave her money equally, even though I’d get more if she gave eldest step brother a smaller portion. It’s not fair to penalise elder brother for growing up at a time when the state and circumstances were easier, especially when he has worked hard and half sister, who had the same easier circumstances has lived like the grasshopper who sang all summer, but would still inherit.

I told her if she does this, she will essentially be leaving eldest brother or whichever siblings she decides has already had enough windfalls, with a final act that makes them feel less loved, and that will doubtless completely fuck up our sibling relationships after she is gone.

SHE will get less this way.
Didn't you read it?

I agree with you OP that it doesn't work to split an estate according to need. Many people make their wills a good while before they die, and anyone's circumstances can change quickly due to economic factors outside their control, sickness etc. The amount of the estate can change too, or disappear to nothing. Personally I would split your mum's estate four ways, but it isn't anyone else's choice. At least she is making a will.

It’s always best to leave money equally unless there is an overwhelming reason not to but as others have said it’s her money, her decision.

Sometimes it would be better if the parent just bloody spent it. Df didn't, and the inheritance felt painful, because he led a frugal life; it was difficult enough to encourage him to get new carpets among other things! I cried when it came through.
I felt like this money was still his and I was finding out his private financial affairs. Honesty, seeing the transfers he would make for birthdays etc under his initials from his account, then suddenly that money he was taking it from is in mine; I cried my eyes out when I saw it. He split it equally between my sibling, and I.
For the first year I bought my young dcs a present from grandad using the amount he would give to buy a gift for them, as it was close to Christmas. There is definitely a huge amount of emotion tided to inheritance, well there was for me anyway.

Do you know for definite that your eldest brother would feel 'less loved' if he inherited less? Your mum is obviously not intending it that way. However, it is very difficult to even out luck and life circumstances so I think your mum would be wiser not to try. Also, circumstances change and health issues can strike anyone. All you can do is calmly explain these points when your mum talks about her Will.

98% certain he would be very hurt and resentful. Remember that aside from everything else the older half siblings also had to deal with their parents divorcing, and both parents going on to find new partners and mum having a second family. It’s not an emotional baggage free situation to begin with

not your will, not your circus, not your monkeys.

Could she ring fence some portions to address the imbalance in financial prospects - ie maybe a reasonable deposit for any DC who don’t own their own home? Then split the rest equally?

I generally support the fact that it’s the choice of the person writing the will and as potential beneficiaries we can choose to take it as representation of how much the person loved us, or as a representation of their values. Equality is not about treating everyone the same - my parents have always raised us acknowledging we are different people with different needs. If your DM wants to use an uneven split in the will, I’d ask her how she will communicate that to those who could be perceived as losing out, and what she could do to mitigate potential hurt. Encourage her to preempt dealing with any fallout and that might also ultimately influence her will decisions.

I've never understood this mentality of leaving more to the one's that need it most. I've got three kids, but if one was penniless and one was a multi millionaire anything i end up leaving will be split 3 ways. I love them all equally and any inheritance will be my parting gift to them. If they choose to subsequently divvy it up differently that's their choice but they'll all get the same from me.

Anyone who is worrying about how much they'll get left for an inheritance comes across as grabby and entitled imo.
I've made my will with no interference from my kids they will do well out of it to all intents and purposes. They know that I have a chronic illness and will end my life when I feel it is starting to be a problem, so no nursing care expenses etc.
They respect it's my money and will not ask because they are respectful decent people with boundaries.

I think YABU. Her estate, her choice.

You’re right in my opinion. Should be split equally 4 ways if it is all your mum’s money. Assume your mum and dad are separated and his estate to you and your full sibling is separate?

If it is all your mum’s you’re talking about (not joint with your dad) then 4 way split is the right thing to do in my opinion. Regardless of people’s circumstances.

It is ultimately her decision but I would do the same as you and stress to her that it could cause fallout/ ill feeling towards her and amongst siblings after she has passed.

If your mum wants to throw a grenade as she leaves this life, that’s her choice. Not something I’d do to my children.

You’re comparing two completely different situations.
If a child is in immediate danger, like drowning, of course you prioritise need — that’s emergency triage, not fairness.
Inheritance isn’t that. It’s not an urgent, live situation. It’s a final act of parental intent. Some people separate the two: support in life is flexible and need-based while you’re alive, but legacy after death is symbolic and often equal.
I can help my children differently while I’m here depending on circumstances, but I don’t see any reason to rank them or reward/penalise them after I’m gone. I’m not trying to fix inequality from beyond the grave — I’m just leaving them an equal share because I love them equally

My MIL has done this - left nearly everything to her favourite and perceived hardest done by child. Has caused immense upset for the others who view it as not being cared about as much by her.

Unless you are actively trying to get your kids to fall out, equal shares are the only fair way.

If your mum has spoken to you about it, has she spoken to the other three kids too? In which case maybe eldest db already knows and agrees.

Perhaps he is happy with the idea!

My family and siblings though, and we all have to live with the emotional fallout of her will

Unpopular opinion on mn but I don’t think people should tell their kids what they intend to do with their money.

Re the thread title.
You are not being unreasonable to think whatever you want to think; you are being unreasonable if you expect your mum to follow your wishes.
Like many have said...her money, her choice.

100% right - unpopular or not.

My FIL told my only child DH he would be getting a nominal sum when he died because of how much joy his new wife (OW) had brought him. No thought about how being told you don't bring joy to your dad's life might feel like! But he's glad he found out when his dad was alive so he could come to terms with the reason and act as he sees fit in terms of how his dad views him.

I agree your mum either needs to share equally or talk to them about the inequality whilst she's alive and they can come to terms with it. Or you're right, there will be a massive family fallout, caused by her but she's not around to see it.

Well she has told me, so there’s no escaping that.

As someone else has said on here though, if she does this she is throwing an emotional hand grenade from beyond the grave.

She’s our mother. If she’s going to do something that she thinks is right, but that will probably cause turmoil, and that could fracture the left behind family, she should at least explain her reasoning behind it.

Reading threads like this, I imagine people with nothing to leave behind but happy memories are feeling very happy indeed.

Equally is the only way not to leave one or more kids feeling upset. This happened in my husband's family with one sibling getting nothing, he got something but less than the other three, one got a bigger share than the others.

My husband offered to split his with the sibling who got none, but they refused it. The others did not, despite having said they would before.

None of the siblings have fallen out over this, but it still leaves a not great taste. There is kind of a double hurt here firstly from the parents (but no great surprise there as Dad was abusive and favoured one child and Mum didn't get a lot of say and would have been bullied into doing it unequally) and secondly the siblings not following through on what they said before. All the siblings got on and knew full well what Dad was like hence the favoured ones saying they would equalise. However they didn't follow through.

Seriously parents should try to be equal, it isn't the money it is how it makes the kids feel

I think given the potential effect of the choice is on your lasting relationship with your siblings it's totally fair to point that out.
People are allowed opinions on actions that affect them, even when they have to do with inheritance 🙄
Wether she listens if her choice if course.