AIBU to think Mum should split her estate equally between us?

[MsFrumble]

It’s an inheritance one. I’m in a blended family, mum had two sets of kids with two husbands and now says she is thinking about splitting her estate according to who needs / deserves it most. AIBU to tell her not to do this, and just to make it equal , even though it’s her money

My mum had two kids, (my half brother and sister) with her first husband, then me and my brother with our dad.

My half siblings will likely inherit from their dad and step mum (they couldn’t have more kids) and they will leave a lot through lucky property decisions. Me and my full brother will inherit from our dad, who will leave a moderate amount, through frugality.

Could all change depending on care needs right but this is the staus quo now.

Mum had a conversation with me where she said she wants to divide her estate up according to her own logic rather than split it equally. She wants to leave…

Eldest half brother - a token amount. She feels like he’ll get a load from his dad and also has had his inheritance “from the state”, he lived in council housing for a while, bought cheaply under right to buy and gained a lot when it sold and had a grant to go to uni. He now has a house, and has always worked hard, and has two kids.

Half sister - mum wants to leave her a just under a third. Despite the fact she will inherit half from her dad and step mum (probably loads) mum feels this is cancelled out as she’s had a harder time of it, no uni, doesn’t own a house, or have a stable partner etc. Chose a cool, arty precarious job that means she’s had loads of fun and travel and rubbed shoulders with cool people, but is now ageing out of the profession, and is left with no prospects and no assets. I can see the logic of this, but it was her choice to pick a fun but precarious life and she has had A LOT of fun, if you know what I mean.

My brother - a third. Had to pay fees for uni, prioritised lots of extra study so has prestigious but medium paying job, no wife, kids or property:

Me - a third, I paid the biggest uni fees and have got a good career, but haven’t been able to afford extra study to peruse a more passionate route, as costs went up and loans down. I’ve got two kids, a partner and we own a house. Mum has mumbled about possibly leaving me less as I have a partner, but hasn’t changed her mind about his now we have kids, as they obviously cost a lot.

Obviously mum will do what she wants, but I told her in my view she should just leave her money equally, even though I’d get more if she gave eldest step brother a smaller portion. It’s not fair to penalise elder brother for growing up at a time when the state and circumstances were easier, especially when he has worked hard and half sister, who had the same easier circumstances has lived like the grasshopper who sang all summer, but would still inherit.

I told her if she does this, she will essentially be leaving eldest brother or whichever siblings she decides has already had enough windfalls, with a final act that makes them feel less loved, and that will doubtless completely fuck up our sibling relationships after she is gone.

The ideal scenario is that it's divided equally. You've made your thoughts known to her. She'll decide how she does it, so leave her to it.

I think it's up to your mum but if she plans to do so then she needs to explain it to your brother now rather then him finding out after!

My mum has an uneven split in her will because my brother has had so much financial support over the years and been bailed out repeatedly(talking 60k plus).
Whereas she hasn't had the funds to offer the same to me so she decided to change the split.

She explained this to my brother and he did kick off a bit at first but she handled it well and said it was her choice. She also has a uneven split for the grandchildren with my nephew getting the most but has put it in a letter explaining why and I support her decision.

That’s a terrible plan. I would definitely be encouraging her to split equally too How hurt would your oldest brother be, he’s basically getting cut out the will because he’s done alright for himself. The split doesn’t even make much sense if your mum thinks she’s trying to even it all out as your half sister also inherits from other side of her family and you and your bother get the same share as her.

Things change too, your half sister cld get a partner and be better off suddenly. Your brother could be in ill health suddenly and really benefit from this inheritance.

whatever your mum decides I would absolutely make it clear she must tell all her kids what the plan is. Imagine finding out when she dies that you’re being left a token.

This happened in my
mums family too in the previous generation, so she has seen the potential fallout of wills.

She doesn’t speak to a cousin now, as the cousin objected to her mum leaving a fostered child who looked after them in old age more money. Big schism, in which my mum participated and chose a side.

To be fair it doesn’t sound like op is in this for themselves at all, sounds like they want equality for their half siblings who are going to get less.

Almost identical situation in my family. Mother asked what I thought and I said I didn’t want to have to deal with anyone’s hurt feelings afterwards even though I’d have benefited and they’re all rich!. She’s gone with an equal four way split.

You can only raise this as a concern. You can't control what she actually does.

I don't think that's fair at all. OP does the best out of her mum's plans, but she is concerned that it's not fair to her elder brother and wants him to get more.

And I also disagree that it's not her place to voice an opinion. Yes it's her mother's money, but her mother may not have considered how hurtful her plans will be to her eldest son, nor how it might strain the sibling relationships after her death. Obviously OP can't force her mum to do anything, but she is perfectly within her rights to voice her opinion and stick up for her brother.

Fundamentally, her choice, but you may be left with a family where not everyone was treated equally, and if you have a relationship with this half-brother, it may become strained. I'd say if you plan to do this please explain your reasoning to him whilst he's still alive so you don't have to pick up the pieces. If you aren't in contact/he knows this weakens this approach, and it may be unnecessary.

Of course it's up to her and her reasoning. But I agree with you

Love is not measured in money. It is not measured in terms of any other different thing that isn't Love itself.

If a mother was helping her 4 children escape from a dangerous situation, she would not split her efforts equally, she would spend her time and attention on helping the one who is trapped, or disabled, or too young to understand, rather than the capable one who doesn't need her help.

If a mum and dad take their 4 children swimming they don't give equal attention to all 4, they focus on the ones who can't swim, maintaining minimum safe awareness of the ones who are strong and capable swimmers.

The mother's love to all her children is equal and she wants them to be, as far as possible, equally settled, happy and financially secure. It is not unreasonable for her to give more help to those who are furthest from that goal

I think that you have given very good advice to your mum and now let her think on it. Some years ago I got some extremely good advice from Mumsnet. My eldest son got a lot of financial help early on when circumstances not of his making meant he needed help. He did not ask for it. My youngest also got some financial help.My middle child a daughter did not get a large cash advance as she had no need.

Over the years my daughter’s circumstances meant that in her retirement she would be significantly less well off than her brothers. So my question was should their inheritance be influenced by my previous help. Overwhelming the answer was to share equally for many of the reasons given here.

One poster said that any of their circumstances might change. This is exactly what happened and my daughter is more financially secure than her brothers.

Ultimately, yes, it’s her money, her choice but while I wouldn’t be telling her what to do, I’d make my feelings quite clear in that it’s a terrible decision which will lead to bad feeling amongst her children / your siblings. Eldest brother may accept her plans for what they are or he could be incredibly upset and feel he was the least important to her. She’s running the risk of a potential irreparable feud between you all.

You could point out to your mum that if she thinks her estate should be distributed on the basis of need, there are several billion people on the planet more in need of it than you and your siblings, maybe she should leave it to some of them.If, however she’s decided like most people to leave it to her children because they are her children , then ‘need’ shouldn’t come into it, assuming they are all able-bodied independent adults.

It’s her money, and her choice - but as the only reason the money is going to her children is because they are her children, any attempt to mess around with the shares will only cause bad feeling and discord between siblings.

My only advice is that she should talk to her eldest son before disinheriting him, as her decision will likely cause upset. Rightly or wrongly, people feel unloved or snubbed when they are left out of a will. In the grand scheme of things, increasing the amount each of you receive by about 5 to 8 percentage of the total estate isn’t worth the potential for sibling disharmony.

I t is your mum's will, not yours, and not your choice. You can't do anything about your sibling possibly feeling unloved. He may not anyway. You can transfer some of your inheritance to him when the time comes.

Yes you’re right, theoretically, but love isn’t just some abstract concept, it is something that is demonstrated and shown in various ways.

And financial support / the division of inheritance isn’t just money, particularly when it is someone’s last act. It represents a sign of ongoing care, a marker of someone’s approval or disapproval etc.

If everyone just took the approach of, well it doesn’t really matter who inherits this money / throne / dukedom / land, because mum and dad probably loved us all equally, there would have been a lot fewer wars, fall outs (and novels!)

You can think whatever you like. But it's her estate and therefore her choice. She can divide it up however she wants. You've expressed your opinion, and she is perfectly at liberty to ignore it.

Your mum’s thinking is perfectly valid and it is the way many people choose to divide their estate: according to who needs/deserves it.
( It’s not what I would choose to do. I’ve gone down the route of splitting things equally.)
i do think you should encourage her to explain to all of you what she is doing and why. This will avoid any upset or accusations when the time comes. And she should do this with all of you present so you all know exactly what she said and to whom!

The mother has asked her advice/opinion

As someone disinherited because I was the most well off sibling by a long shot it pissed me off. My Mother did leave everything to her favourite child and had her reasons for the rest of us and that was her reasoning for me. I lived at a distance but sorted out my Mothers financial affairs for many years, saved her a lot of money on various occasions. It started when I saved her from messing up her poll tax bill many decades age. She had been widowed and forgot to pay, I was only 15 but she had been summoned to court and they were jailing people, I sorted that out.

DH was also disinherited by his Father, his sister is shit at life. She has always earned well and has no health issues but has done many questionable things. She inherited everything because he felt sorry for her.

It is however up to your Mother but she will not be there for the fall out will she. My sister’s attitude means none of us speak to her now, it’s been 7 years. It annoyed me but it really upset two of my other sisters and the way my sister spoke to them, unforgivable.

In my experience, and from the dozens of posts on here, inheritance is deeply emotional in a way which has nothing to do with the actual money amounts.

It is like form beyond the grave a parent says this child was more or less important that that child.

I would always advise parents to split it equally between all children.

If they want to do something different, for a reason eg 3 kids have houses and the third doesn't, then help them out now, while they are still alive, and still divide equally on death.
The only exception to this that I think doesn't cause upset is when there is a sibling who needs lifelong care and money is put aside for that purpose.

My own parents wanted to leave something divided between the grandchildren when they died. My younger brother and I had to point out that that technically disadvantaged my oldest brother as he only has 2 kids and we both have 3. Doesn't matter that my eldest brother has loads of money and I don't. we didn't want that visible inequality to stand. So they have changed it, and also had the conversation with my oldest brother.

These things can be so hurtful, and the person has died and can't explain their reasoning. It is true that it is her money and she can leave it how she likes, none of us are owed anything, go and spend it. But again, it isn't about money.
Leave it all to Battersea Dog's Home, or divide it equally.

You’re right. Her plan is divisive and unfair.

I don’t think it is possible to split it fairly according to need, even disregarding the emotional fall out - we all grew up in different circumstance, and made different choices and who knows what the future will bring…

Arguably my full brother “deserves” the money the most as he has had the least luck / hasn’t frittered away opportunities - no partner, no property etc.

I’ve got a partner with an good job and a house, but equally I was born later when further study was financially harder so my job is less exciting than half brother’s, but financially I am fine.

Eldest half brother had more random luck, and has an house which he bought when prices were cheaper and mortgages plentiful, and will probably inherit a whack from his dad but also has worked hard and has kids to look after, and also looks after his dad.

Half sister, arguably “needs” the money the most (no real career, no partner, no house), but this is because she chose a cool, live-in-the-moment job and lifestyle which involved lots of travel and parties and drugs and no savings or future planning.

You are totally correct that the issue is the emotional fall out afterwards. I was ready for this thread to be a "I want my dues" type post, and would have voted YABU, but this is really a post about family dynamics. Has your mother spoken to your half-brother about it? He might be totally ok with the proposal, knowing that he doesn't need it, but better that your mother has given him the logic now, than find out after her death that he has been "disinherited".

Personally, I think any attempt to split inheritance based on perceived need is asking for trouble, but ultimately that is her choice to make.