AIBU to want time alone when visiting my dad's ashes?

[SunshineOnIslington]

Happy for people to search my previous thread but it’s not wholly relevant here as this is a more general question…

So I lost my dad when I was 13, he was 41, he literally dropped down dead from a heart condition caused by alcoholism that had no previous signs or symptoms. Growing up I was very very much a daddy’s girl, but some cracks were already showing by then in terms of my freedoms, what I wore, etc. and I suspect if he’d lived I’d have been a long way from home. He also horrendously abused my mum which I never knew the full extent of until after he died… but at the end of the day he was still my dad and we still had those good times. He’s still half of me.

We buried his ashes at a location in London. I don’t go often but when I do I usually go alone and spend some time there reflecting, talking to him etc (we live a long way away). I’ve just been there this weekend with a friend though who needed babysitting for various reasons. I asked him if I could go there alone to do my thing and he wouldn’t leave me. His excuse was he doesn’t know London and his battery was low - despite me saying just sit here in this pub and I won’t be long.

maybe I should have been more assertive but he has mental health issues. But surely I’m not being dramatic to ask for some time alone to pay my respects to my father?

Of course you’re not being U. Your friend was being pathetic.

You are not being unreasonable. It’s normal to want some alone time in such circumstances.
Your friend was very rude. And don’t blame yourself. You told him what else could you do - fight him?

Sorry about your dad, I also lost mine as a teen.

On the face of it, YANBU. If someone asked me for some time, I would say of course. But was it made clear from the outset that you need a few hours alone during this weekend? Or was your friend's expectation that you would be together for most of it?

I would be wary of going away with him again.

Having read your other threads I think you need to end this "friendship".
It doesn't sound good for you at all.

I don't think you are unreasonable to want to go alone.

I do think you are unreasonable to take a friend who you clearly haven't arranged with in advance that you would be going off and expect them to sit in a pub and wait for you. That isn't useful for either of you.

So next time if you want to go alone, go alone.

Get rid of the friend, shouldn’t have to babysit a grown adult.

But you agreed to go on this jaunt with him knowing his bad MH and issues?
Did he know that you wanted time alone when you discussed the trip?

Why isn't he OK with sitting in a pub for a hour?

Given what you’ve told us about this friend you were unreasonable to expect any different tbh. This isn’t a normal functioning member of society with nuanced social skills that we’re talking about here.

Is this the guy you went to the arsenal parade with in a hotel room with no AC? You need to cut that friendship. It gives you nothing.

No you weren't unreasonable to want alone time BUT you knew that this particular friend needed babysitting as he had mh issues. A normal friend would have given you the space but this friend couldn't (rather than wouldn't).

Considering his issues what made you think he could cope?

The fact that he’s a grown adult with autonomy over himself who is considered able to live independently?

and as for MH issues, I’m autistic and suffer massively from anxiety and depression. I’m now in complete burnout after this weekend. Who’s looking after me? Absolutely fucking nobody as always.

Your request was normal, reasonable, and not unusual. It sounds like your friend lacks empathy, perhaps because of the MH, etc. issues you have mentioned here - hence his needing "babysitting" in the first place - and so was not able (or not willing) to respect and comply with your request. You could have been firmer with him ("you can't come; I'll be back by 3:00"), or excused yourself to use the ladies' and snuck out, or perhaps even physically overpowered him - but I suspect you'd have felt a lot of guilt and anxiety over any of these. Don't invite him anywhere again unless you're willing and able to spend the full day with him, I guess.

Your friend has upset you so much over the course of one weekend that you’ve started two threads on his behaviour. YANBU in either situation but YABU if you allow him to keep this up. Time to really think about what’s in this friendship for you.

I don't mean this is in a nasty way but you need to look after yourself.
Forget about this "friend".
In another thread (that I assume was you with a different username) you mentioned your mum wasn't that caring about your feelings for this weekend so don't even worry about what she thinks either. That's on her.
You are you. Focus on you. Look after yourself. No more agreeing to share hotel rooms or spend time with this jerk.
I hope you feel better soon 💐🙂

Thank you. I’m just sick of being blamed for his issues when I wanted to go without him. My mum actually came round to my way of thinking after she’d been there herself yesterday… she acknowledged I was right (although it wasn’t as bad as I expected) and she could see how he was behaving and even had a word with him herself. Not that it will make the blindest bit of difference

Who’s looking after me? Absolutely fucking nobody as always.

Oh darling, that really touched me when you said that... I recognise it, and it's rotten. Sending sympathy, if that helps... 💐 I hope you can spend some time quietly doing what replenishes you for a few days - when no one meets our needs, we have to - we are entitled to - meet them ourselves. 🤗

But I agree with PPs who say it is time to call a stop to your involvement with this guy. He just takes from you and doesn't give. I'd suggest you use this week as the impetus to say Enough! Tell him once and firmly that you have to take time for yourself now and will not be seeing or contacting him. Yes, it will feel uncomfortable, and he may (will) be awkward, but you have to push through the hard feelings now, and I promise you, you will feel tremendous peace and relief once you do.

You do NOT need to justify or explain or get drawn into an argument - but his behaviour, by any normal standard, has been beyond tolerable this week. Anyone would be justified in ending this 'friendship'.

And yes, refusing to give you space to be with your thoughts around your Dad was a dick move. (And again, I see that you wrote a long justification of your feelings around your Dad. Not necessary. The fact it was something you wanted - to be alone - should have been enough).

For the good of your own mental health, give yourself permission to put your own needs first.

Onward and upwards now! 😄

What are your thoughts on ending this friendship?

Like everyone else here, I think you should. I can't put it better than @CamilleBeauchamp so I won't try.

But I do suggest you ignore the posts saying you were unreasonable to have expected him to wait for you in a pub. The reason you wanted a little time to yourself was valid and exceptional. I would only tag along to a cemetery if the friend specifically asked me to. It would be very intrusive and I would've thought most people would realise that. But then I think it is always fine for people to have some space from each other for a short time on any trip. If you aren't used to spending all day and all night with a person, that short time can make the difference between finding their company enjoyable or bloody irritating.

@Lurkingandlearning he had already upset me since we arrived so I was absolutely desperate for some space. I'm also autistic and thrive off alone time! Finally managed some yesterday morning when I walked to meet my mum off her train - I knew he wouldn't want to come as it involves physical exercise. He lost his own dad so I though he would get it but clearly not - although if it was a cemetery that might have got the message through (it's a sports ground, we buried his ashes under the pitch)

I'm going to report my concerns from the weekend to his accommodation as I feel they need to know what he's been like. But on the other hand I am astonished that a 46 year old man, who led a very normal life until he developed a cocaine addiction four years ago, thought that London was a small and walkable city!

So what's to stop you telling him you're going to the loo and just walking away to visit the site of your Dad's ashes?

Cross posted - so you have managed to do the visit alone?

Thank you for responding to my post. But are you going to end this friendship? I gather it has been making you unhappy for some time so I'm genuinely curious why you won't withdraw as you don't get on.

Im very sorry you lost your dad so young, and in such tragic circumstances, but, respectfully, OP, a weekend with a friend with psychosis and serious addiction issues was always going to be just a thankless adult babysitting job, and not about your own wishes. I agree with pps that this ‘friendship’ isn’t good for you.

@BMW58 no, I didn't get to go

@Lurkingandlearning he knows if he doesn't sort himself out he will be losing me as a friend for good

@SlightlyAjar I know that now but he's clearly lied to me about how he's been getting on (as well as other things this weekend) - I wanted to go on my own but felt railroaded into letting him come

You have over estimated this mans capabilities and he doesn't live alone does he, he is in supported accomodation. He was never going to be someone supportive to you which is what I think you were hoping for.

I read your previous posts and I agree he has not behaved well but I also think your expectations of him are not realistic.

If you feel the friendship is unbalanced then end it but your crappy weekend is not all his fault.

I didn't want support from him, I wanted him to leave me the fuck alone! He has his own flat in a block of flats with people checking on him once a day - other than that he's meant to be independent.

And yes, it is all his fault. I'm not being blamed for any of this.