AIBU to want time alone when visiting my dad's ashes?

[SunshineOnIslington]

Happy for people to search my previous thread but it’s not wholly relevant here as this is a more general question…

So I lost my dad when I was 13, he was 41, he literally dropped down dead from a heart condition caused by alcoholism that had no previous signs or symptoms. Growing up I was very very much a daddy’s girl, but some cracks were already showing by then in terms of my freedoms, what I wore, etc. and I suspect if he’d lived I’d have been a long way from home. He also horrendously abused my mum which I never knew the full extent of until after he died… but at the end of the day he was still my dad and we still had those good times. He’s still half of me.

We buried his ashes at a location in London. I don’t go often but when I do I usually go alone and spend some time there reflecting, talking to him etc (we live a long way away). I’ve just been there this weekend with a friend though who needed babysitting for various reasons. I asked him if I could go there alone to do my thing and he wouldn’t leave me. His excuse was he doesn’t know London and his battery was low - despite me saying just sit here in this pub and I won’t be long.

maybe I should have been more assertive but he has mental health issues. But surely I’m not being dramatic to ask for some time alone to pay my respects to my father?

I guess you also missed the post about him lying to me

I guess you also don’t take sensible advice..

You clearly know better than the rest of us.

So he lied.
Then end the friendship.
You can't change what happened over the weekend. That moment is gone.
Now it's over just stop contact. You have no reason to have him as part of your life.

You're furious at the wrong people.

Your friend lied to you that he was self-sufficient and could cope with a day out in London. He could not. As a result, you didn't get to visit your dad.

You need to cut contact. He is not your friend. He does not have your interests in mind, and anything that happens to him from now on is his choice, his life. Not yours.

You need to stop martyring yourself for other people. If you feel you're not ever prioritised, that no one cares for you, no one puts you first? Then stop. Put yourself first. This man in particular is not your problem. I know it feels he is. I know how it is to feel responsible for someone who won't take responsibility for their own life. Whatever he does next is not on you. Not your fault.

Live your own life. Start now. And even if you can't visit your dad in London again, he would understand. You can pay your respects in a million other ways. Listen to his favourite song.

How is that helpful? OP has stated she's autistic. Come on now.

I may have missed it, but how and when did you become friends, or at least involved in each other’s lives, if friendship isn’t the right
descriptive.

How enmeshed are you in each other’s lives?

I'm sorry, but someone who has been prescribed antispsychotics, has spent three years (which is a very, very long time for someone to be hospitalised with a mental health condition) in a psychiatric hospital and has a support worker / social worker due to his mental health condition IS very unwell.

You apparently can't grasp that. He is unwell. He is very likely going to be unwell for the rest of his life. You are colossally naive and your expectations of him were utterly unrealistic. Yes, he lied to you. No, he won't always take his meds. Yes, he self-medicates with alcohol and energy drinks. Yes, he gets anxious and panicked and paranoid in certain situations and can't cope on his own. All those things are entirely predictable and very common in people with his condition.

He behaved badly and erratically and clearly that wasn't your fault, but what is your fault is that you seem to think that he is capable of normal behaviour when he absolutely isn't. You don't seem able to grasp anything that people are trying to explain to you and you just want to get angry and shout at people.

Stop seeing your 'friend'. You have zero obligation to him. You don't like him at all, you can't cope with him, you don't understand anything about his situation and you are in no way responsible for him. You are also not good for him, any more than he is good for you. All you need to do is walk away and cut contact with him, rather than starting repeated self-pitying Mumsnet threads where you try to get other people to agree with you that he's awful.

Hear hear, @BauhausOfEliott.

BauhausOfEliott
That was what I was subtly trying to say too even though I didn't realise the extent or longevity of this man's mh history. It was insanity to think this man could cope by himself in a strange city. Obviously OPs autism has given her some very black and white thinking, ie he's no longer in hospital so he's fine, but now she's had a very hard lesson that she needs to adjust her thinking and maybe check with others first when it's about something that is really, really important to her. Most of us have spoken to friends/family at some point in our lives to get clarity about certain situations, whether we have autism or not.

I can understand her anger and frustration but she is aiming it at the wrong person/people however I hope she is feeling a bit calmer now and is letting go of this broken friendship.

Once again, just talk about me like I'm not here. I absolutely don't have black and white thinking that if he's not in hospital he's ok - plus when I was talking about leaving him 'alone in a strange city' I meant at the hotel, or at a pub, literally for an hour at the very most. Feels like the hundredth time I've said this but he was the one who reassured me that he was fine and would be able to cope and that the staff had encouraged him to go. HE LIED TO ME. REPEATEDLY