AIBU to want time alone when visiting my dad's ashes?

[SunshineOnIslington]

Happy for people to search my previous thread but it’s not wholly relevant here as this is a more general question…

So I lost my dad when I was 13, he was 41, he literally dropped down dead from a heart condition caused by alcoholism that had no previous signs or symptoms. Growing up I was very very much a daddy’s girl, but some cracks were already showing by then in terms of my freedoms, what I wore, etc. and I suspect if he’d lived I’d have been a long way from home. He also horrendously abused my mum which I never knew the full extent of until after he died… but at the end of the day he was still my dad and we still had those good times. He’s still half of me.

We buried his ashes at a location in London. I don’t go often but when I do I usually go alone and spend some time there reflecting, talking to him etc (we live a long way away). I’ve just been there this weekend with a friend though who needed babysitting for various reasons. I asked him if I could go there alone to do my thing and he wouldn’t leave me. His excuse was he doesn’t know London and his battery was low - despite me saying just sit here in this pub and I won’t be long.

maybe I should have been more assertive but he has mental health issues. But surely I’m not being dramatic to ask for some time alone to pay my respects to my father?

Hopefully you will make a clean break now from this man and prioritise your own need for space and time alone.

Well what are you going to do about it?

You clearly resent your friend, so pull away from him.

Stop being a martyr, cut the friendship.

I'm going to!

I'm fucking sick to the back teeth of being blamed for his behaviour. He lied to me about his capabilities (all he needed to do was take his meds and not drink too much) he's lied repeatedly to his support worker this weekend, his illness is psychosis and he is currently not psychotic and therefore has full capacity - it was his decision not to shower, not to clean his teeth, get really drunk and not take his meds, shit up the wall, act like a child all weekend and not let me have five fucking minutes alone to pay my respects to my dead dad because 'he doesn't know London' despite me not being from the area either and him having access to a perfectly working phone. But somehow all of that is MY FAULT?!

But, respectfully, OP, no one had you at gunpoint. You chose to let him accompany you when you didn’t want to. That’s on you. You said on your other thread that you’re historically a people pleaser and that you think that if you cut ties with him you’ll be ‘the awful person who cut him off’ in other people’s eyes, or whatever. But so what? Did you actually let a man who recently spent three years as an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital accompany you on a trip that was doubly important to you (visiting your dad’s ashes and Arsenal) just because you couldn’t say no?

You’ve paid a horribly high price for people-pleasing. Learn from it.

very unfair. He could have sat in the pub to wait for you or even on a bench. When I go to my parents' grave, my partner carries the flowers, water etc for me, then goes for a wander round for a while. Then it gives me time to talk to my parents, especially if I am having problems with my daughter again, but also to thank them for the wonderful times they gave me and how much I miss them too. It must be the same for everyone
meant to say we have ashes of our pets and my fil so I often talk to them when I am alone in the house.

It seems like there was a breakdown in communication. I would have discussed my intentions with him earlier so we’re on the same page, he you’d have prepared himself better.
Yanbu. He could have sat in the pub waiting, he probably would have if he knew the plan.

And now you’re doing the classic people-pleaser thing of blaming other people for your own inability to say no. If you’d said no, it wouldn’t matter how reliable he was about his meds, whether he’d lied to his support worker etc. You say you work in MH. Surely it was obvious this was likely to be a literal shitshow, taking someone who can’t live independently, shortly after a really long inpatient stay in a psych ward, on a high stakes trip to a stressful urban environment in a heatwave? This was a preventable misery for you.

Just make sure you never see this 'friend' again, he sounds absolutely toxic and he's not your responsibility.

Please stop looking for ways to prove this was unreasonable and not your fault. You don’t need to.

He was VERY unreasonable and took advantage of your kind nature. The only way you had responsibility for what happened, was in going along with it.

The only way to keep yourself safe is to be selfish- put yourself first because, as you said, no one else does!

I think if you have mental health issues of your own, a close relationship with someone who also does is particularly tricky. Because while there may be a bond of shared experience, there are also support needs that the other may not be equipped to meet.
You have not been looked after this weekend because the person you spent it with isn't capable of it, and instead needs you to support him. Which is exhausting and not helpful to your wellbeing.
If I were you, I'd reshape this friendship into something less intense that doesn't involve prolonged periods alone together. Be your own friend first and foremost.

why did you invite him in the first place? Sounds like you would be much better off cutting contact altogether..

I mean... you were cleaning this guy's shit off the shower... when did this become your job?!

If you're autistic then it's all the more important that you protect your own space and stand up for your own needs. Your mental health is as important as his. Yes, he was totally unreasonable. But it's because he's unreasonable that you have to be firmer with your own boundaries - this is what people are trying to tell you - it's about help, not about blame.

I've done what you do - vented about a situation and felt better for letting off that little bit of steam. But I recognised that, ultimately, this stuff would keep happening unless I changed something. In your place, I'd sit quietly and think about this, maybe write it out on paper to concentrate your thoughts. Can you identify 1, 2 or 3 steps you can take to change things going forward?

OP, I understand you are autistic but you need to try to understand that arsehole men are NOT projects for women.

Women get used by arsehole men every day.

He is using you.
You owe him nothing.

Certainly not your peace.

You can make different choices.

Choose to never see or hear from him again.
Choose to block his number.
Choose to put your peace and happiness first.

He brings nothing to your life.

Put yourself first or this will be your life.

Used by arseholes.

Who is blaming you and why are you not just pushing back and saying no not my issue??

A couple of PPs have effectively said it’s her fault because she didn’t say no.

None of that is your fault but it is your responsibility to end this friendship, or carry on suffering the consequences of his company.

But it is literally true. The OP says explicitly on her other thread that she didn’t want him to come and would have much preferred to have her weekend alone in London. This entire disastrous weekend happened because she is, as she says herself ‘a people-pleaser who hates confrontation’, and who didn’t say no to a man not long out of a lengthy stay in a psychiatric unit who wanted to piggyback on her trip. We can’t ever control other people’s actions, whether or not they’re significantly mentally unwell and not taking their meds, or perfectly well and just behaving in ways we don’t like and that impact negatively on us. We can, however, always control our own. The OP is lashing out at her ‘friend’ and his support worker because she can’t admit that it’s her own people-pleasing that has brought this on her.

It’s not her fault, but she is the only whose behaviour she can change.
That’s different. I think it’s important to say that in a way OP can hears, rather than feeling blamed for it.

His behaviour is his fault. She can protect herself in future.

Yes, that’s fair. His behaviour is obviously his own responsibility to manage. But the fact that it wrecked the OP’s weekend is because of her actions.

Dealing with her own people-pleasing will mean it, or nothing like it, ever happens again.

I haven't read every word of every post but I don't think most posters are saying you are at fault. I certainly am not saying that.

Having him "Leave you the fuck alone" would definitely be the best outcome for you but it seems that is only going to happen if you make it happen. Doing that might feel uncomfortable at first but in time, and probably a very short time, you will feel a whole lot better for having stopped your association with him.

I say association because it isn't really a genuine reciprocal friendship, is it? You seem to feel some obligation towards him and you really shouldn't. Partly because he doesn't return your feelings and feels no need to be supportive or considerate towards you. But also, I think, he needs support you don't have the capacity to provide. Not because you are autistic, not because you are a poor friend but because you aren't trained to provide the professional support he needs. It is a shame that he isn't getting sufficient professional support but you can't fill that gap and trying to is pointless but more importantly detrimental to your own wellbeing.

Take a deep breath, bite the bullet and do what you need to do to get out of this situation. It might not be easy at first but it will be healthy. A bit like bracing yourself to go to the dentist to get a rotten tooth pulled. I know how cliched all of that is but I believe the thinking behind it is sound.

I don't think his behaviour is your fault op but I don't think you should have said yes to him coming with you, from what you've said about.his living situation it would be clear to me that I would be his support on this trip.

Oh god this is you with the man who shat up the wall.

Just stop being his friend! Don't make it more difficult for yourself. Don't get why you are still hanging around with him after that.

@Galaxylights yes that was me, that happened Friday and we came home last night. Luckily my mum was with us yesterday. No plans to see him again and I am calling his accommodation and social worker today

Is this the same friend who spent three years in a mental hospital with psychiatric issues caused by a class A drug addiction, and who trashed the room you were sharing in a Travelodge and wiped shit on the bathroom walls?

I'm honestly not sure why you'd expect someone with a long history of severe drug addiction and three full years on a psychiatric ward to behave like he's a totally normal person. He isn't a 'normal' person. He may not be in hospital any more but he's still clearly unwell and he is, obviously, going to behave like an unwell person who struggles to function in the same way someone else would.

Of course it's not unreasonable to want time alone with your dad's ashes, but it's astonishingly naive of you to assume that someone whose mental illness was severe enough to warrant him being institutionalised for three years would be an easy companion on a weekend trip to London. Your friend can't cope with any of this stuff and I don't think that's particularly surprising. You need to chalk this up to experience and don't take him on trips with you again.