AIBU to want time alone when visiting my dad's ashes?

[SunshineOnIslington]

Happy for people to search my previous thread but it’s not wholly relevant here as this is a more general question…

So I lost my dad when I was 13, he was 41, he literally dropped down dead from a heart condition caused by alcoholism that had no previous signs or symptoms. Growing up I was very very much a daddy’s girl, but some cracks were already showing by then in terms of my freedoms, what I wore, etc. and I suspect if he’d lived I’d have been a long way from home. He also horrendously abused my mum which I never knew the full extent of until after he died… but at the end of the day he was still my dad and we still had those good times. He’s still half of me.

We buried his ashes at a location in London. I don’t go often but when I do I usually go alone and spend some time there reflecting, talking to him etc (we live a long way away). I’ve just been there this weekend with a friend though who needed babysitting for various reasons. I asked him if I could go there alone to do my thing and he wouldn’t leave me. His excuse was he doesn’t know London and his battery was low - despite me saying just sit here in this pub and I won’t be long.

maybe I should have been more assertive but he has mental health issues. But surely I’m not being dramatic to ask for some time alone to pay my respects to my father?

His behaviour isn't your fault. Nobody's saying that.

What you do have to take some responsibility for is the fact that you assumed a severely unwell and psychotic man would be an unproblematic travel companion. Expecting normal behaviour from someone as unwell as that is a bit like going away for a weekend with a man with a broken leg and then being shocked that he couldn't walk very far.

@BauhausOfEliott he's not psychotic or very unwell. That's the whole point. He just refuses to do anything for himself, it's learned helplessness. A couple of examples - it was v hot in London so I said let's go to the shop I need water. Bought my water, told him to get some too as he hadn't drank ANY water the whole time - he picked up a coke and a red bull. I got up and got ready while he was asleep, woke him up and said he had 45 minutes to get showered and pack up before we had to check out - one hour later he appears, without showering and in yesterday's clothes. He point blank refuses to set a reminder on his phone to take his meds. NONE of those are because he lacks the capacity! Yes he might need prompting but I did bloody prompt him!!!!

Also, if you'd seen my updates he did a very good job of convincing me that he would be ok - aka he lied - and that his accommodation were supportive of him making the trip - aka he lied again.

Yanbu but it doesn't sound like your mate was bring horrible or intrusive, just not well x

Sorry op I missed your last posr

I think you're doing the right thing cutting the friendship. Neither of yo u are what the other needs and that's ok. You matter just as much as him, and you should matter more to yourself than him.

Why are you calling his social worker and accommodation?? Why?

Stop being involved if you don't want to!

Perhaps because I want to alert them to the fact he’s completely neglecting himself? And that he didn’t take his medication? And that he lied to his support staff and said he did take it and that he was ok all weekend?

That's not your responsibility though.

It wasn't the time. You knew your friend's needs prior to visiting.

Yeah because I spend £300 to come to London ALL THE TIME.

Do people not READ THE FUCKING THREAD?! @hoarahloux he lied to me, so no I didn’t know his needs! I was led to believe all he needed was to be prompted to take his meds

You're martyring yourself over this man for absolutely no reason.

How well do you actually know him? Why are you giving him your time? Why did his "no don't leave me" result in you not just walking out of the pub to have your time with your dad?

"Nobody is looking after me" so take steps to look after yourself. You have to stand up for yourself. If you don't want to spend time with someone, don't.

Because it turns out he can’t cross a road without walking straight out into traffic and he’s got to the age of 46 still thinking that London is a small walkable city. So I leave him and he either gets in a serious accident or gets absolutely shit faced, lost and/or back on the drugs!?

That would be his choice. It is not your responsibility. You are not responsible for his decisions, although you clearly feel that you are.

You can't change what happened, and I hope you make it back to London to visit your dad's resting place soon. If you don't want to see or speak to your "friend" again, don't - and don't be manipulated into it either. He needs more support than you can give, and you know that now.

If anything had happened to him you know that I would get the blame

Who would be blaming you if something had happened?
He isn't a relative. He is a "friend". A 46 year old adult.
Why is this man even part of your life?
I would just cut contact.

The same people blaming me on this thread perhaps? Because I should have known he couldn’t take care of himself despite his lies?

Anonymous people on an online forum are just anonymous people. They can "blame" you - but what can they actually do?
Nothing.
Remember that.

This is mumsnet. PP’s look at the whole picture. Yanbu to believe a friend. You’ve learned a very harsh lesson this weekend, don’t forget that, stop focusing on a stranger’s opinion and use these opportunities to make sure you are never caught in this situation again.
The fabulous part of getting older is giving less fucks about other people, build resilience. Start putting yourself first.

Why are you shouting and swearing at people on this thread? Rather than at the one person who needs to hear what you’re saying?

None of what you’ve written makes sense. You seem to have voluntarily undertaken to do something, which ended up not working - and now you’re shouting and swearing at people on mumsnet?

Ah so because my friend lied to me it’s all my fault? Sure

What are you talking about? What is your fault?

Yes it is your fault that you’re swearing and shouting at people on mumsnet. Who else would be at fault?

How can you possibly think it’s your fault that someone else didn’t drink water or shower or whatever? He’s not a child or your dependent. How could this be your fault?

Or are you fishing for something?

Stop trying to run his life, then complaining he can't leave you alone.

This situation is one of your own making.

Trying to ruin his life? Are you fucking joking me? He did that when he shoved 10k up his nose

I guess you support mentally ill people lying to their carers about taking their medication

I was 13 when my dad died aged 41 too. With kindness if this is so intimate and special to you, don’t take someone who doesn’t know London and needs babysitting.

Run his life, not ruin it.