Rude, or normal boy behaviour?

[Floofydawg]

If you have young adult sons, how often do you hear from them?

Trying to understand if my DH's two sons are giving him the runaround. He hardly ever hears from them and most messages to them go unanswered. He sends them expensive birthday gifts and doesn't get a word of thanks. When they come back to visit (they live away from us) they prioritise seeing their mum. They seem to favour her even though she was the one who split the marriage up. He takes them out for meals and they never offer to pay.

I just feel a bit resentful on his behalf, he thinks this is normal for boys but I think they're being rude.

We speak to our son once a week, by FaceTime.

When we go out, we end up paying us well. I think that because ‘dad has always paid’ then that’s the default setting.

I don’t think what they are doing is unusual. They just gaven’t hit in the habitat of paying. Also, were they brought up to send ‘thank you’ letters (or texts/nessages) If not, then nothing has changed.,

Not normal behaviour at all.
They sound very poorly behaved.
Tell him knock the presents on the head if they haven't the manners to thank him.

It would have been emotionally abusive to tell them, while they were still living with their Mum. It doesn't sound as if he helped them over the split, if that was his go to. Something has gone wrong over the years, but it's for them to sort out and they might just need to mature, have relationships and realise things aren't black and white. The not paying for things, especially under 25 is perfectly usual. The ending of the marriage is seperate to which parent children feel closer to. They feel closer to her, that can be usual. They should be messaging thanks. Unless a family relationship is abusive, you have to leave them to it, or it will just cause issues between you two. Your DP wants to play the long game, rather than cause a blow up and a no contact situation.

It's probably quite simple, they either don't like your dh or they don't like his partner or both. It's not easy to change this but ask yourself what sort of experience they have when the visit? Do they get listened to? Do you or your dh stick your noses in their business? Do you both come across as judgemental? If your dh is as passive as you make out, are you the boss at home and it makes for an awkward atmosphere? Do you both always come as a pair or do they have access to their dad without you being around?

It's also a bit strange for you to comment on his paying for their meals. Firstly, they must be visiting occasionally if this is something that bothers you and secondly it is very normal for parents to pay for a meal while young adults still establish themselves. It is very petty of you to mention it. They will have good reasons to avoid.

The best thing you can do is not tag along with your dh when they visit and give them space to be just family.

I don't tag along, he sees them on his own and equally when they used to stay here I made sure they had time to themselves.