Rude, or normal boy behaviour?

[Floofydawg]

If you have young adult sons, how often do you hear from them?

Trying to understand if my DH's two sons are giving him the runaround. He hardly ever hears from them and most messages to them go unanswered. He sends them expensive birthday gifts and doesn't get a word of thanks. When they come back to visit (they live away from us) they prioritise seeing their mum. They seem to favour her even though she was the one who split the marriage up. He takes them out for meals and they never offer to pay.

I just feel a bit resentful on his behalf, he thinks this is normal for boys but I think they're being rude.

I prioritise seeing my mum over my dad because I'm closer to her. In my 20s my parents always paid for meals out. I would always say thank you for gifts.

Man haters? Or people who have discerned, from what you've said, that your husband is passive

We met 6 months after his split but we didn't live together until 6 years after that.

the phrase you are looking for is "par for the course". And no we are not "man haters"

We are realistic about why two young men don't particularly have a relationship with their dad who they maybe didn't see much growing up. If his current actions are anything to go buy, maybe he was the kind of dad who swooped in EOW and did excitingly expensive things with his sons, bought them expensive presents but didn't provide what boys need from a dad.

Who knows. OPs DH and her sons know. And the expression "you reap what you sow" comes to mind.

What he needs to do is try to build an adult relationship with his adult sons. On his own, at least to start with.

OP, you are in love and still see your OH as an amazing man and therefore amazing dad you think he is.

In all likelihood, he was never the exemplary dad you think he was and still is. It has nothing to do with their mum having an affair. That has nothing to do with them. Much likely to be about his behaviour or lack of behaviour.

He had them 3 times a week before they left home and when he eventually moved in with me I turned my life upside down and extended my house at considerable expense to ensure they both had a bedroom to stay in. But hey, you carry on with your assumption that all divorced dads are deadbeats if it suits your narrative.

I leave him to it these days, I'd just like to see him treated with respect and not ignored.

I thought it was par for the course but questioned myself thank you so much for setting me right!!

I’m just commenting on what I see that there are an awful lot of man hating comments! Apologies I didn’t mean to insinuate that all MN ers are man haters just a large proportion! Once again thank you for taking the time to correct me! 🙄

And during those three times a week, they got along beautifully?

doesn't get a word of thanks.
that's very rude.

They prioritise seeing their mum.
Nothing to do with boy behaviour, they are close to their mum. It happens. Maybe they don't like their dad that much, or maybe they don't like you?

He takes them out for meals and they never offer to pay.
You are being completely ridiculous to expect a kid to offer to pay for their parents meal out.

Goodness me. You don't like comment unless on your terms do you? Why bother to ask if all you want to hear is that your husband is a poor hard done by but superb Dad 🙄

No, I'm just correcting the wrong assumptions that he barely saw them growing up.

I think this very much depends on relationships doesn’t it? My brother speaks to my mum and dad a few times a week and visits weekly. Takes them out for dinners etc. my husband barely speaks to his mum. I have to push him to call her and even that he puts off. He rarely visits her and doesn’t particularly enjoy it when she visits us (all organised by me).

My MIL would say that he is rude perhaps, but the fact of it is that she wasn’t a particularly fair mum to him growing up. She suffered with mental health issues but a lot of this was unfairly placed on my husband as the oldest child and he often had to take time off school to look after her or his sister. She is a lovely,
kind woman but can be difficult, which has somewhat strained their relationship.

I am so not a man hater, I am often accused of being " a man" on here.😂
But you are a bit ridiculous and very unreasonable. You are the one who started a thread about "boy behaviour" when it really should be a thread about children of divorced parents.

They do seem a bit rude, as I wrote earlier, but you must be missing a few key details if they are distant now, it can't have happened overnight and be without reason.

Why do you have to push a grown man to call his mum? Surely he’s capable of deciding if and when he wants to call her

Because she’s being proactive in favour of family connectivity and open heartedness, is my guess. What with chilly drifting causing mental poor health in epidemic proportions.

I don’t push him that was worded poorly - but I will remind him. He just isn’t particularly bothered about speaking to her and it consistently falls off his radar. He finds it a chore, but she is a kind woman, and a lovely nana. She just doesn’t have a particularly strong relationship with my husband.

I still don’t get why you need to remind him though, he’ll remember or do it when he wants to. Obviously there is nothing to say you can’t phone her for a chat or invite her round to see the children but it’s odd to remind someone to contact someone

An adult can decide for themselves when they want to contact someone

You think it’s odd. I don’t think it’s odd.

You operate on your own basis. Other people operate on theirs.

You don’t have to get it. My husband has a complicated relationship with him mum. It takes me 30 seconds to say ‘have you rang your mum recently?’ But it means to the world to her.

Do I need prompting to ring my mum? No. Do I think it’s typical? No. But then I didn’t grow up in his house, dealing with the things he dealt with. He doesn’t want to go no contact because he loves her but he doesn’t find their relationship natural. It is what it is.

The only thing you've listed that is rude, is not saying thank you for gifts they were given. As for your other points:

• Not hearing from young adults much = normal.
• Early 20-somethings expecting their parents to pay for them when they go out = normal. If you want to break to break the habit, your DH needs to suggest splitting the bill. (Although I can't imagine resenting paying for my child's meal, no matter what their age. Don't they ever take him out for his birthday or do other thoughtful things? If not, then your DH should be having a conversation with them about being more thoughtful.)
• Prioritising who they visit = not rude. It's understandable they choose to visit the person who was their primary carer. It's also understandable that this is hurtful for your DH.

It's pretty shitty of you to blame his ex for splitting up the family. It's not your place to comment and you don't know the details of their marriage, whatever your DH may have told you. (See the current thread on here about current wives being all too willing to believe their husband's stories about crazy or horrible ex spouses.) It also happened a long time ago and the boys' mother obviously has a strong relationship with them, which she would have had to work at constantly, as every parent does. You implying that her children should punish her by loving her less than their father because the divorce was her "fault" is simplistic and unnecessarily cruel.

DH was very bad at ringing his mum who was a lovely woman, I used to remind him as a kindness for her. She was always thrilled to hear from him and there was no need for her to know I had nudged him. When I had children I dreaded that my DC wouldn't remember to speak to me but happily they do.

Two adult sons here but we were never divorced, I imagine that changes things.
We see one who lives near about once a week but he doesn't message a lot in between. The other lives further away so we see him about every couple of months. He messages me every day, not so much his dad.
If we go out for a meal we always insist on paying but they do offer.

@C152 I'm not suggesting they should punish her, I just don't understand their treatment of him. The only reason I mentioned divorce circumstances was so that people wouldn't jump to the wrong conclusion.

No, they don't treat him for his birthday. He's lucky if they remember.

And you believe this?!?

he wasn’t with her, he could tell them whatever he wanted.

come on now op.