Rude, or normal boy behaviour?

[Floofydawg]

If you have young adult sons, how often do you hear from them?

Trying to understand if my DH's two sons are giving him the runaround. He hardly ever hears from them and most messages to them go unanswered. He sends them expensive birthday gifts and doesn't get a word of thanks. When they come back to visit (they live away from us) they prioritise seeing their mum. They seem to favour her even though she was the one who split the marriage up. He takes them out for meals and they never offer to pay.

I just feel a bit resentful on his behalf, he thinks this is normal for boys but I think they're being rude.

What does it matter who decided to split the marriage up?

I hear from both my adult children about 5 times a week, sometimes more. Sometimes they call for advice or money, more often they just call for a chat. I like it. My kids wouldn't offer to pay when we go out, just because I arrange it and it's clear that I'm paying, I earn loads more than them!

Hubs phones his mum most days for a quick chat on the way home from work and we see them probably every other week. His brother hardly ever contacts his parents and sees them maybe once or twice a year. My brother is hopeless at contacting mum & dad but will always respond when they contact him and offer to cook if they’re going over etc.

Children who are not taught/modelled how to be considerate or grateful often turn into inconsiderate, ungrateful adults. Sometimes they grow as they get older and learn these attributes independently but other times not. We don’t know the full story here but I have a suspicion that your husband has enabled their rude behaviour and that’s why they continue to behave like that.

From what you’re saying, those adult children don’t like their Dad much and have chosen their mum. Believe what the actions tell you.

Their mum had an affair and wouldn't let him tell the kids why they'd split up, consequently they didn't properly speak to him for years after he met me. He's done nothing but try to be a good dad to them.

Boys? They’re fully grown adults.

No such thing as ‘boy behaviour’ either.

His sons have a limited relationship with him for their own reasons and he is ok with that. Don't stick your nose into his relationship with his sons and definitely don't criticize them or resent them. That's not your territory as Dad's wife.

There is no boy behaviour. Or girl behaviour. It doesn’t sound like they’re very close to him or want to invest much in the relationships.

it is rude. Your DH is a grown man and can make his own decisions. Does his sons' behaviour hurt him? then he might want to reconsider how he handles gifts etc. How about a day doing something together rather than an expensive thing? if they would prefer the expensive thing, he knows where he stands.

"wouldn't let him"?? he is a grown man and can do what he likes.

How old are they? If they are students/ young adults it’s not a surprise they don’t offer to pay. If they mainly lived with mum after the split they probably view her house as “home”. What do you mean he wasn’t “allowed” to tell them about the affair? When they were young it probably wasn’t appropriate to bring them into adult matters but surely he can decide what to tell them and when - he doesn’t need permission from anyone?

Exactly. There aren’t different gendered types of rudeness. If the OP’s DH is of the ‘Ho ho, boys will be boys’ persuasion, it’s not hard to see why they’re like this.

22 and 24, both working. He's told them now, but he respected her wishes when they were younger.

Why couldn’t he tell them. If my partner had an affair and then turned my children against me, I would tell them in an age appropriate way. It sounds like an excuse or there is more to this. If they were too young to know the truth then they were too young to choose to not se him and so they would have Ben made to if he’d have done to court. If they were older, then he should have told them and if he was a good dad, they would have chosen to see him. Something doesn’t add up.

Why? How old were they? Why would he respect her wishes at the expense of not seeing your children. It doesn’t make sense.

Dear lord. He sounds so passive 😳🙄

@GamingGang he did see them. But they used to come over pretty much ignore both of us.

They don’t like you two. It seems apparent, no?

How old were they? Surely you would n’t have been there or even in your husbands life when the split happened. Did he not build a relationship with them after the split? How long did he wait between the split and meeting you, and introducing you, living with you etc?

I think it's fair to assume that there's a whole lot more to their relationship than you are aware of. It's clearly strained. You'll probably never know why but it's very unlikely to be as simple as they're rude or it's their mums fault.

The part about him paying when he takes them out for meals is not unusual.

They know now but still chose her. Says a lot about him.

God there are a few man haters on this thread.

Is it “ poster behaviour”?

Seems to be part of the course on MN!