AIBU to skip friends wedding

[Nettle256]

My friend is getting married in a few months in her home country. While no formal invites have been sent out yet, I have received a save the date and I am going to her bachelorette party which is relatively soon.

My issue is that the wedding is in her home country meaning I would need to take time off work, fly there and book accommodation. It is also in a fairly remote location (approx 1hour from the nearest airport) so I have no idea how I would even get to the venue/get home/find accommodation close by which is causing me some stress. I would be going by myself as no plus one.

In don't really know/ am not friends with anyone else going to the wedding apart from the MOH. Myself and the bride are only really friends through the MOH.

I am torn over whether to suck it up and just go to the wedding or not go. I know that the bride would be livid if I didn't. She is a very sensitive person and also very selfish which has been a recurring theme throughout our few years of friendship. Part of what plays in my decision to not want to go is that she has made zero effort to message me/ meet up since we moved to different cities a year ago. I feel like it is a lot of effort and money to go to this wedding for someone who to be frank, makes no effort to even maintain our friendship.

AIBU to tell her I can't go to the wedding (even if I'm going to the bachelorette, which I am only going to so that I can try and meet people before the wedding?)

I think you would be entirely justified in not going to the wedding..

I think given the logistics of you actually getting to the wedding any reasonable bride would be understanding of you not going. If she would be livid then it doesn't sound as if there is much friendship in her attitude to you anyway. Will it be a great loss if your friendship ends over you not going to the wedding?

I’d give it a miss. She doesn’t sound like much of a friend in all honesty. Also, you say you’re only really friends through the MOH, so she’s more of a friend of a friend?

You're seriously asking if you need to attend the wedding of a 'friend' who you describe as "very selfish", and who has made no effort to contact you or maintain your friendship over the past few years? Come on now, this isn't difficult.

Is the wedding taking place in a country that you would otherwise like to visit? Could you make it into a vacation? If yes, I would make the effort, otherwise no

ide give both a miss and save even more money op
seems
going to the hen do sets up an expectation

An invitation is not a summons.

If someone gets married overseas they have to accept that some/a lot of people won't be able to (can't get time off, children) or can't afford to. If they get arsey about that, that's their problem. They aren't a real friend.

I'm fortunate in that none of my friends have got married abroad or had ridiculous hen weekends abroad, as it has saved me having to decline them. I'd never go to one.

Exactly. This should be filed under the weirdly common Mn issue of ‘having friends I don’t like and who aren’t that nice to me’.

The logistics don’t sound hard at all- If you want to go 😆

however you don’t. If she kicks off does it matter? It gets you out of the friendship for good

Decline politely and now, not later.

I wouldn't give it any thought. She's not a friend, if you're invited just decline, having a wedding abroad is a huge ask of any guests.

If she has the audacity to ask why, say you have no annual leave left.

One of my reasons for being hesitant to say I'm not going is that I know it will cause some significant upset between myself and the MOH who would think I was being entirely unreasonable not going.

The bride does see me as a good friend and has been very picky over the invite list so to be invited shows that she does value our friendship, she just is not good at showing up for friends in general.

But why does she see you as a good friend when you don’t like her much, think she’s selfish, and resent her not contacting you since you moved away — I mean, do you pretend to like her or something when you see her? Why on earth?

She values the friendship, yet has made no effort to maintain the friendship for years? You must realise how nonsensical this sounds.

There's plenty of reason not to go AND you haven't actually had an invitation yet.
If you did chose to go, would you be able to travel with the MOH? That might make transfer and accommodation arrangements easier and cheaper. If MOH says that's not possible, then I'd decline. You could do it on the grounds of cost/leave from work if you need to give a reason.

"I'm very sorry, I've asked for time off work but it's been refused".

Honestly, if the MOH gives you grief for not going to the abroad wedding of someone you're not close to then she's not really a good friend.

I've turned down the invitation to a family members wedding later this year because it's a 4hr flight away and the invite is for an evening reception. Fortunately I have another thing going on at the same time, but no way I'd be spending so much money for a few hours party and not evening see8 g the wedding ceremony.

The clue is in your statement that the bride would be livid if you didn't go, rather than disappointed. That smacks of entitlement rather than care and doesn't seem like the reaction of a good friend. Personally I wouldn't bother going.

Could it be you’ve been exaggerating how awful she is in your head to mentally justify not going to the wedding because it’s just too much hassle? And when people play that back to you you’ve realised how unfair it is?

To clarify to previous posters, I DO NOT dislike the bride. If I did then I wouldn't be wasting time or energy entertaining her! I think she is lovely when we do actually spend time together.

I do however have some resentment over the fact she expects me to to put time, effort and serious money into going to her wedding when she does not have the courtesy to follow through with plans to meet up or even text me back most of the time! (Before anyone jumps on here assuming I bombard her with messages, it is usually one every few months asking how she is etc which is a perfectly reasonable expectation of a friendship)

You need to grow a pair. You don't want to go, you are not a friend of the bride (no idea why you're even going to to the hen do tbh, that's usually for friends/family or if the bride just wants a big group - sounds like the latter here), you don't know anyone else going apart from the MoH and your only reason for going is because the bride and MoH (neither of whom are friends) will kick off if you don't. Like I said, you need to grow a pair, just say no and then block/delete and move on. Doesn't sound like you'll miss the 'friendships' and if you do, perhaps its time to make better (real) friends.

You are contradicting yourself OP. Now you say that you like her, she's lovely etc. In your other posts you said she's selfish, doesn't bother to contact you, doesn't bother to text you back (which takes minimal effort), lets you down when you make plans, and makes zero effort to maintain the friendship! Honestly OP raise the bar. She doesn't sound like a friend, and being afraid of her reaction is not a reason to do something.

very selfish which has been a recurring theme throughout our few years of friendship. Part of what plays in my decision to not want to go is that she has made zero effort to message me/ meet up since we moved to different cities a year ago. I feel like it is a lot of effort and money to go to this wedding for someone who to be frank, makes no effort to even maintain our friendship.

Why are you even considering going? this is a complete no brainer- who cares if she gets angry about it- she doesnt show you the same courtesy so dont go and dont feel even a jot of guilt about it!

Yes, exactly. You sound terribly confused and resentful, OP. Just stop contacting her if getting no replies upsets you. It doesn’t sound like an active friendship, anyway, if you’ve moved away and she’s not bothered about keeping in touch. Don’t go to the hen. Say no to the wedding invitation. If you attend either, you will clearly spent the entire time resenting the expenditure and effort.

That's not what you described in your OP. Please make up your mind.

Find your backbone op and say no.