"You are not a prize to be won".

[RocNRol]

My husband and I are on the rocks. When we try to talk about why it feels so disconnected, I will say that I feel ignored or he never asks anything about me anymore etc (he's always on his phone, grunts answers), and he always gets annoyed and he always says to me "you are not a prize to be won". It's his go to phrase. Says it every time. I find it really dismissive but he says he just means it's not his job to 'keep me' or 'make me happy' and it's a two way thing. AIBU to find it a shitty thing to say to your wife, or do people have sympathy for what he's trying to say.

You're hardly one of those "I should be treated like a Princess" people to whom I'd be tempted to reply as he did. So he sounds rude and disengaged and has probably been mainlining too much manosphere Kool-Aid. Disengage yourself and see how he likes it...?

Girl leave this man, he doesnt appreciate you

Its absolutely his job to win you and keep you happy

Well that's just awful OP. If you can't feel like your spouse is a prize then who can you feel that way about? I get that we all take things for granted at times but this is beyond the pale and he doesn't deserve you.

So he's saying you're not worth any effort?
Any relationship worth having takes effort. It's a two-way street.
He's found a catch phrase to justify his neglect of his part in the relationship.
Doesn't bode well for the future.

That is such an unkind thing to say to the person you made promises to on your wedding day. 🥺 I’m sorry, OP. This sounds really hard. 💐

Im not a princess. It makes me feel like shit. He thinks it's such a clever thing to say.

Well it’s not his job to “keep you” but he should want to make you happy!
what does he mean? Do you not work?

Next time he says it tell him "don't worry. If I were, you'd be a loser" This one doesn't like you much OP. And possibly isn't very bright if he thinks that's the height of cleverness. How do you feel about continuing the marriage??

I work my arse off. All the bills are paid by me!

He means that when I ask him to put in more effort he feels he's being asked to fight to keep me. And he says now we have been married 7 yrs it shouldn't need all the effort

And I think there is a woman problem thing. He thinks all women put themselves on pedestals like "impress me"

But i dont do that. Im asking for him to look up from his phone when I come home from work. Ask how my day is. Im not asking for roses and diamonds FFS.

Why does he pay all the bills? Does he not work?

Why are you paying all the bills?

He hates you. -Kill him- Leave him

What's the point of him if he doesn't pay any bills and is fucking horrible to you? Does he just exist to waste oxygen?

He does op

He hates you

Time to stand up for yourself and dump this scrub

Next time say "Well neither are you, so shall we both make the best of what we've ended up with, or call it a day and see if we can do better?"
Because you need to bring this to a head, and have the conversation. You can't spend your life with a man who keeps hinting you're not of value, but stays with you anyway. Your self esteem will be in bits.

Trust me, my ex used to say nasty things like this to me. Leaving is like being given a second chance at life

The whole "you are not a prize" rhetoric is really insidious because it is a sort-of-technically-true statement used to signal real deep nastiness and hatred. It really gets inside your head but it is exactly what an insecure man who hates you will say to you.

I think you should match his energy @RocNRol

In a dream world yes, but in reality it's not much fun when these men show you just how much they want to hit you. Best to just pretend to take it and get your ducks in a row.

You will NEVER ask little enough for a spiteful deadbeat freak. It will never be a modest enough ask. He has nothing to offer - he is worthless, and he knows this. That's why he's nasty.

I think he might actually hate me. I tried to leave last year as he was so rude to me but he begged and begged "never love anyone again. Youre my family, my life" blah blah.. He sorted and paid for therapy (wow!). He was a wreck. I dont understand. Now here we are again. If he hates me...why can't he let me go.

"Not a prize to be won". It sums up so much. He's v insecure as a person.

I did a social media video for work recently and he just replied "looking like that???" And when I said "thats not nice" he says "oh no i just wondered if you'd got changed. Don't be sensitive"

Im a fool arent I.

Its hard living with someone who says these things all the time. Feel like im going mad.

If it helps OP, my nasty nasty piece of work ex ended our relationship with his worst hateful, violent outburst. He has spent the year since that periodically making contact with me to bleat on about himself, his feelings, and how much he loves me and wants to get back together. I disregarded this and pushed through some really tough times and now my life is so much better, whilst his, so far as anyone can tell, is just as it was when we were together, only now he has only himself to blame.

All this to say, he isn't begging you because he loves you. He's begging you because he's insecure and needs to believe that he is too special to be left. He isn't; he's worthless. You will be so much happier without him, I promise.

If he thinks he's so cool, then why is he quoting Princess Jasmine from Aladdin? 😂

I really mean that, OP. He doesn't love you, he hates you - he just doesn't want you to leave because his ego can't take it.

‘No, I am a person to be loved, respected, listened to, and valued.’

If he won’t do that, why are you with him?