"You are not a prize to be won".

[RocNRol]

My husband and I are on the rocks. When we try to talk about why it feels so disconnected, I will say that I feel ignored or he never asks anything about me anymore etc (he's always on his phone, grunts answers), and he always gets annoyed and he always says to me "you are not a prize to be won". It's his go to phrase. Says it every time. I find it really dismissive but he says he just means it's not his job to 'keep me' or 'make me happy' and it's a two way thing. AIBU to find it a shitty thing to say to your wife, or do people have sympathy for what he's trying to say.

He is an insecure contemptible little nobody. The next phase of your life will start now. Your freedom will be amazing when it comes, I promise. Show your kids how women deserve be treated x

He’s doing this NOW. And the children needing to protect you or correct him is sweet but a huge red flag for later emotional issues. I am a therapist, btw, and the adults who had to “rescue” one parent from another are lovely people but often quite damaged. They seek out difficult relationships where they can rescue someone. They take on too much responsibility. They end up co-dependent out of good motives.

Look at your response to his collapse into selfishness, isolation, and outright abusive behavior. You worry about him! You over function do he can under function. The harder you try to save this drowning man the more he viciously drags you down to drown yourself. Just cut your losses and give the children a happy home half the time and a happier mother.

Thats true @pikkumyy77 he's so unhappy with me anyway. The sighs smd groans and "im so tired" comments al the time. We run out of milk this morning and instantly he says "no, before you ask, no im not going to the bloody shop. You're just gonna have to wait until I go out later". I go to leave to get some and hes started acting like im the problem. He wont do things. But he doesn't want me to do things either. Its so exhausting

I really want to try to split. It wont be pretty!

OP you'll have a lot more energy once you dump him.

The kids already see through him so they will know the truth.

Don't waste your one life

I just deleted the post i was about to send after re reading this .
He sounds completely unworthy of you .
Leave him , make a better life for yourself and be happy.

”You are not a prize to be won” - and you are not a burden to be endured. It isn’t your responsibility to make me happy and it isn’t my responsibility to put up with you if I am unhappy.

But the impact of their dad cannot be prevented. H would get 5050 and he would happily tell his children that mummy has destroyed the family

Offer him 50/50 as a starting point. Tell him it would help you out loads because it makes it easier for you with work, and because you want the DC to have two settled homes. If he takes 50/50 after that, I’d eat my hat, because having power over you and thinking that he’s making your life harder will be far more important to him. And then get the DC into counselling so they learn from an independent source that that’s not true.

You really lost with this one, didn't you?

He's not a prize, he's the already opened with fingermarks eyeshadow palette that slipped into the raffle.

Bin him, let him think that having the kids 50% would be amazing for your career and future dating prospects. He'll move Heaven and Earth to avoid that - and the children already know he's being absolutely shitty to you, so will know that it's not you destroying anything, it's him being mean all the time that has.

It'll be worth every penny to buy him out of the house - not that he contributes much to it in any case.

Your prize will be not having to deal with his negging shit 24/7.

To you, maybe. It's quite normal among women my age.

LTB. Every update I’m reading is so sad 😞 - I’m really sorry you’re being treated like this OP. 💐
Please seek help IRL. Your kids can see what’s going on. Picture one of them being in a marriage where their spouse says this kind of stuff - it’s heartbreaking. They need to grow up learning what a healthy relationship looks like and to know when to get out.

Thanks everyone. Ive been reflecting a lot. And im going to try and leave. Again. Ive failed before. And the kids will suffer enormously. I knoe he will never change though and the thought of this forever is starting to seem more daunting than what he may have in store. He can such a nasty man though. Ive got a date in my mind. Im going to do it when the kids are done with school so I can take them away if needed. Wish me luck.

The kids are living this with you. What's good for you is likely good for them too.

Best of luck OP.

I wish. It feels like abandoning them.

"But I am a prize that can be lost" should be your reply then boot this arsehole into infinity

Good luck @RocNRol , you’ll do great. Also, you are a prize and someone will be lucky enough someday, to win it. If you want them to.

All the best OP. Ripping the plaster off will be painful, but the pain of not doing it will be much much worse in the long run.