"You are not a prize to be won".

[RocNRol]

My husband and I are on the rocks. When we try to talk about why it feels so disconnected, I will say that I feel ignored or he never asks anything about me anymore etc (he's always on his phone, grunts answers), and he always gets annoyed and he always says to me "you are not a prize to be won". It's his go to phrase. Says it every time. I find it really dismissive but he says he just means it's not his job to 'keep me' or 'make me happy' and it's a two way thing. AIBU to find it a shitty thing to say to your wife, or do people have sympathy for what he's trying to say.

Yes. I hadn't read the updates - my bad. When he begs again, just laugh, OP.

OP, these men who decide they no longer want to be married will say anything - ANYTHING! - to justify themselves.

When I asked for more connection and more time together from my dismissive, neglectful exH, he said I should just be grateful to be alive. Seriously. He said that his mother's friend, Barbara, had died of cancer and therefore I should just be happy that I still have my life. Apparently being alive means I should be happy to be completely ignored by him.

They make NO sense. Honestly, once a husband starts acting like this, you're best off just releasing them.

They're not remotely secretive about it.

OP should fill in the divorce forms online and start planning a blissful future. No long conversation or arguing, just icy, detached, done.
Once divorced, use a parenting app because communicating with him is not enjoyable.
Get him paying his half of all the bills while the divorce processes.

On the bills - there is just always a reason - so this month he is paying a guy to do something in our garden (£300) so can't "afford to give you your money this month". Its so telling the way he says it...iys not my money...its our joint mortgage amd childcare costs. Approx £2500 a month!

On hating me - yeah, contempt is the word. He often says "ah typical RocRol" if something is forgotten. Minor little put downs every day

Its hard to leave though. I really worry what the consequences would be

That made it sound like I worry he'd kill me or something! Nothing like that. Just he'll make everything awful as he can woth the kids and theyre v young. I think it could actually be much worse. Little shitty remarks like "you're not a prize to be won" seem easier to tolerate than all out war.

OP, I was in a marriage where the contempt for me hung so thick in the air, you could have cut slices off it with a knife. I was also fearful of the consequences of breaking up. He eventually walked out on me, and although I was devastated at the time, I think it was just the shock. When that cleared, being able to get away from all that dislike and contempt and bottomless negativity aimed at me was like being re-born. Like getting a second chance at life. I would realise that I was free of such nastiness and feel overcome with joy and the possibilities of the future.

No one should have to live like you are living. Save yourself, truly.

Of course it will be better if you divorce - it sounds like you can afford the house payments alone and I’m going to guess you do lose of the housework/childcare

short term he might be a dick but isn’t he already?

You wouldn't need to engage with him, so his war would be his own. All communication via a court approved parenting app, solely about contact arrangements.
Is staying this miserable, with your kids also watching, preferable to freedom?

I'm a prize to be won. My husband knows exactly how lucky he is to have me. By the same token, I know how lucky I am to have him. We look after each other.

Your husband is a wanker, and I am very sorry. What do you think you're going to do about it?

I just want to send you a hug OP. I don’t know you, but I can tell you deserve so much better x

Thanks all. I know there is never a right time to tell your husband you want a divorce but it always seems impossible. But thank you. Always good to check im not going mad and he actually being an arsehole.

Of course you aren’t unreasonable! He absolutely hates you and he doesn’t give a fuck about you. Get out as fast as you can. Chances are that as soon as you ask him for child support he will decamp to avoid the responsibility. So rather than all out war it will be a rout.

What's the point of having a partner if they don't make you feel loved and cared-for and supported.

Also, what's the point of having a partner if you're not going to try your best to make them feel loved and cared-for and supported.

He is a useless man, and the sooner you are rid of him the better.

Yes I am. If you weren't a stupid cunt you would be doing your best to win and keep me, but instead you're just chucking this away. And now its over.

(I'm role-playing)

I wish I could find my anger. I just feel really sad and worried. Not for me really. I know he hates me. Just the repercussions on so many things...my kids mostly of cpurse. But also my own family. His family. Mutual friends. Loss of home. I camt imagine the words leaving my mouth to tell him. He will be livid. You know there are some people who have their own "stuff" to fall back on...a job they love, their friends, not H. He puts in zero effort with most people for years now. Even his best friend just chose someone else to be his best man because H hasn't bothered to communicate woth him for years. Im the opposite. I work really hard. And I make an effort with my friedns. And he resents it. He doesnt want to leabe the hoise but he resents it when im invited to things. I feel it. He actually says I need to be taken down a peg or two and he "doesnt see what everyone else does" when I get invited to things. He says hes joking of course. Everything mean he says is a joke.

So he’s financially taking advantage of you, he restricts you from doing the things you enjoy and your kids are growing up thinking his behaviour is normal? Is that what you want from your life?

is there anything positive about him?

JFC, you need to get away from this. Can you book a free half hour with a lawyer? Make a plan and start doing little things towards it. Once you start the ball rolling it will be easier.

This. Divorce and cms. He is a leech.

Thank yoi for this @NameChangeMay2026 if I let myself imagine living without him I do feel v v free. And almost excited.

Problem is life is just so full on. Kids birthdays. Work trips. Friends 40ths where we are both invited. I keep thinking "after that thing" but there is always another thing. I camt explain how difficult he will make it. He will happily shout in front of our kids, kick off at a party, refuse to look after kids when I have a work thing.

It is very sad that DC see him treating you like that.
Hopefully they won’t start doing this themselves.

The thing is, you are a prize. He won you and instead of being happy that you’ve given him a family, and a standard of living that he couldn’t have afforded by himself, he’s trying to cut you down and make you feel diminished and small. What an inadequate little man. This ‘prize’ crap isn’t about you. It’s about his insecurities because he isn’t the breadwinner.

Problem is life is just so full on. Kids birthdays. Work trips. Friends 40ths where we are both invited. I keep thinking "after that thing" but there is always another thing. I camt explain how difficult he will make it. He will happily shout in front of our kids, kick off at a party, refuse to look after kids when I have a work thing

If he’s already doing those things, then it’ll just be more of the same.

And I think there is a woman problem thing. He thinks all women put themselves on pedestals like "impress me"

That’s quite a red flag for misogyny.

This man is modelling for your dc how to treat a woman, or how to expect to be treated as a woman.

You can’t change their father, but you can change their model of the treatment a woman will accept.

Cut your losses now.

You can do better. It won’t be difficult to do better if we’re being honest, will it?

They are v attached to me. Never rude to me. Lots of "i love you mummy forever and ever" and "one more cuddle". They are primary school age. But I have the same fear too. At the moment, the younger one in particular tells daddy off is he isnt listening or helping.

But the impact of their dad cannot be prevented. H would get 5050 and he would happily tell his children that mummy has destroyed the family.

I think you are underestimating your children tbh

and do you honestly think he would cope with 50/50?