Am I being unfair about a friends excitement over my pregnancy

[JustAGirlxo]

I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby. A friend of mine is also pregnant shes two months behind me but this is her second child.

We’ve been friends for around 10 years, but we haven’t actually been particularly close for quite a while. We haven’t hung out in around 2 years and I hadn’t seen her in about a year before my pregnancy. We stayed in touch but it wasn’t a very involved friendship.

Since finding out I’m pregnant, she’s become very invested. She talks about “doing motherhood together”, has spoken about coming round when my partner is at work, talks about our babies growing up together, and seemed very invested in my baby shower. She was originally only asked to help host some games but was messaging my cousin separately about shower plans and seemed to want a bigger role than I’d actually asked her to have.

She’s also approached another friend of mine (who she only knows through me) asking if she was coming to my baby shower.

A couple of people around me have said they think she’s just excited, but they’ve also admitted the level of excitement seems quite intense.

Part of my discomfort is that this same friend has asked me for favours, childcare and money on and off over the years. The last time she asked me for money was during my pregnancy, which I found quite uncomfortable.

I don’t dislike her and I’m not saying we can’t be friends. What I’m struggling with is that I feel like she’s built up an idea of what our friendship and motherhood journey will look like, and it doesn’t match what I want.

I’m excited to become a mum, but my focus is very much on my partner, our baby and our families. I don’t really want a daily-contact, shared-childcare, “we’re doing motherhood together” type friendship.

Because this is my first baby and I only have a few weeks left, I sometimes feel like I’ve spent a lot of my pregnancy managing someone else’s expectations and excitement rather than just enjoying it myself.

Am I being unreasonable, or would others find this level of involvement a bit much?

Yeah it's a bit much for sure.

But nothing I wouldn't simply roll my eyes about and just keep slightly distant from her.

"I sometimes feel like I’ve spent a lot of my pregnancy managing someone else’s expectations and excitement rather than just enjoying it myself."

This ^^ sounds a wee bit precious though to be fair.

Yes, that sounds quite mad, unless the OP's boundaries are so weak that she's not able to maintain them.

OP, this woman feels what she feels. She expects what she expects. Nothing you can do about that. Her feelings are her own to manage. However, none of what she feels or expects means you have to reciprocate the feelings or meet the expectations.

Though a lot of this seems to come down to that deeply weird Mn trope of 'having friends you don't particularly like'.

You say you hadn't seen her in over a year before your pregnancy. Are you saying you've started seeing her again since you got pregnant?

I would also find it a bit much and quite suffocating.

To look at it kindly she could just be wanting to build a mutual support network for the two of you when you both have newborns which is fine and pragmatic.

But she does give out slightly bossy/control freak vibes and I would be wary. Some people are intrinsically given to being overbearing in friendships and always have to see themselves as the “senior partner”.

I would go with what you are comfortable with but be prepared to put boundaries in place if you feel she is encroaching.

Reading back, all she's guilty of is talking too much about you two becoming closer and your kids growing up together etc.

Trying to help out a bit more with the baby shower.

Asking someone else if they'll be going.

Annoying, but still pretty mild.

And it's not clear what she's actually said to the OP. If she's been harassing her with daily texts about how fabulous it's all going to be when they spend all day on maternity leave hanging out together with their babies and doing the same classes and having a joint christening, that's one thing. If it's been a couple of mildly over-enthusiastic messages since the OP has been pregnant, that's another.

And also, if I wanted to keep my distance from someone who wasn't a close friend and whose new enthusiasm for me I wanted to dampen rather than encourage, I wouldn't invite them to my baby shower. I certainly wouldn't ask them to organise games at my baby shower. It's a mixed message.

I'd just be busy or tired a lot (as you will be anyway) when you have the baby to ration the meetings to what you can cope with or phase her out altogether.

Just mute her on Whatsapp (or whatever communication tool) and go back to her once a week or every few days or whatever. She'll soon get the message

I'm wondering if maybe your friend had a difficult time with her first baby and possibly not many mum friends or people she could socialise with when she had her baby and that she's excited now as she thinks she won't be alone?? Not sure but I know when I had mine I was very lonely and didn't really have any friends who also had babies and I remember thinking it would be great if i did! Either way op, you can and should have boundaries, so you don't need to be stressing about your life being taken over you just need to put boundaries in place and live your life how you want to! If you don't want to be having daily /weekly meet ups etc then you don't have to!

I think she's not very confident any her next one or doesn't know many people.

When you give birth you can head her off a bit although it is possible you will like having Mum friends on different levels of closeness. She might fit in somewhere....

She does sound pretty annoying but it is quite exciting when you realise someone is due at the same time as you. Someone to message at 3am where you might get a reply, someone else to share the mundane days with and someone to save your sanity on a bad day!

I had loads of friends when on maternity the first time. Friends of friends, Neighbours, nct friends, regular friends and family too. When you've got full days 5 days a week to fill without anyone else to spend it with it can be really hard. I'm pregnant again and only know one other person who's pregnant this time, I think I'm going to be a bit lonely as even with family they regularly go on holiday or aren't free more than one day a week anyway.

You never know, you might get closer once the babies arrive and end up appreciating her enthusiasm eventually! Or maybe you will decide you don't need her company and just keep her at arms length.

& then you have people complaining that they don’t have a village or their friends with children are not excited for them, etc etc . I’m praying for a better friend for her than you OP…

Does sound a mixture of excitement, and desperation, ie desperate to be part of your life. Maybe she’s just trying to be helpful, but it does sound a bit intense.

You need to put in boundaries. So be proactive when she can visit. If she wants to come around daily ‘to help’ then push back and say you have a dh and family . If she says she can stay as well, then refuse her and say it’s too many people. The good thing is that a baby can be tiring, so you can say you’re not up to having visitors etc, even if you have to turn her away at the door. If she gets huffy, then so be it, not your problem.

This is the reason why I don’t like to cultivate female friendships. The expectations, pressure and then hostility when I can’t give them what they expect and when I don’t do what they think I should when they expect me to.

in your shoes, I would gradually fade out before a nasty scene occurs

I would fade her out, she’s being weird.

Yeah this phrase jumped out at me as being totally unreasonable too. Surely just don’t message back all that often if she’s bothering you. Realistically when her baby is here she isn’t going to be spending all her time worrying about what you’re up to. And realistically, when your own baby is here, you will be very glad of having a friend with a similar-aged child to hang out with from time to time. That’s all it really needs to be.

I took that as meaning the friend has been too intense, and assumed they’ll have a close buddy friendship going forward, and also perhaps being interfering or overbearing to op.

I think you are being a bit precious. just don't reply / arrange to meet if you don't want to. when your babies are here you'll both be much more occupied anyway but you might find it useful having a friend going through it at the same time.

I agree with this. My first thought was that she didn’t have the mum group / friendships with her first baby. It can be hard seeing groups of other mums and you’re just in your own, so maybe she’s excited that she might have someone to do motherhood with this time round.
I also agree that it would frustrate me too though. It’s like a pressure that you have to include her in your day with your baby.

Probably best to just reply less often. Once baby is here you can say you’re tired and enjoying the newborn bubble etc

I’m slightly confused when you say you weren’t as close as you used to be but you asked her to help organise your baby shower, which I would have thought would be close friend/relatives’s job

I would enjoy her company as much as you like but make sure to have boundaries.
Only meet outside the house

Of course I don't know for certain as I don't know her, maybe she is overstepping. But I also think maybe you're underestimating how valuable a friendship like that can be as a mum to young children. None of my friends have babies and I wasn't at all interested in a mum friends and 'doing motherhood together'. But after having the baby I longed for it. Someone who really gets it. I'd love for a friend to come round with her baby and we have adult chat and watch the babies together.

Keep her at arms length if she makes you uncomfortable. But don't burn the bridge as you may appreciate having a friend like that when baby arrives

MN is absolutely obsessed with “boundaries” and overthinking every interaction.

Everyone is different and often people won’t behave in exactly the way you would like them to. That’s life. I think posting about it here is just an extension of the meanness women often show towards their friends. It’s like you want people to say “sound like she’s obsessed with you! What a weirdo.”

If you don’t like her, no-one is forcing you to be friends with her.

Well, if the OP says she feels like I’ve spent a lot of my pregnancy managing someone else’s expectations and excitement rather than just enjoying it myself there are two possibilities, surely.

One is that her pregnancy is being genuinely ruined by endless texts and phonecalls from the previously distant friend and that the OP needs better boundaries to deal with it.

The other is that she's being insanely self-dramatising, and the friend has only been in relatively infrequent contact and expressed enthusiasm chiefly to other people, which case the OP is obviously being ridiculous.

The OP hasn't said either way, and hasn't responded to posters saying 'Exactly how often has this woman been in touch with you?' so we don't know.

I absolutely agree with you that people won't always behave as you would like them to, and that, while others' behaviour is not within your control, your own always is. The other woman's expectations are irrelevant. The OP doesn't have to share them unless she wants to.

Oh sure, we don’t know the details! It would take an actually criminally harassing level of texts and calls for someone’s excitement to impact on a reasonable person’s enjoyment of their pregnancy though. I expect the OP would have led with that if that were the case. Otherwise just mute and ignore, surely.

I’d be wondering if she’s depressed or scared. Or maybe she hasn’t got many people who have arranged nice things?