AIBU to think I might have just experienced the end of my marriage?

[Greyblankie]

Been toying with this idea for a while now and tonight I think I’ve experienced the straw that broke the camels back.

Booked tickets to see my favourite band of all time a few months ago, it will be their last tour as the lead singer/dong writer doesn’t have much longer to live. I’ve been looking forward to it for months.

Gig was tonight.

As usual, DH drank too much. He was being loud and obnoxious, at one point said loudly that the singers cancer diagnoses is “fake news” - people were looking - We were stood at the front and he constantly “needed” to go back to the bar barging his way through the crowd then trying to force his way back to the front. We all hate people that do this right? I tried telling him he was pissing people off.

The set got cut short as the singer was struggling too much, it was bloody sad to see. Upsetting actually. He was nearly crying. After the band walked off stage DH started hassling the roadie for a set list. Totally innapropriate.

We got back to the car (I was driving obviously) and I said “you’re a bit embarrassing when you’ve had a drink”. I said it nicely but of course I meant it - I explained why. He started droning on about how the crowd was dead (something else he kept shouting whilst IN said crowd) and he was the only one supporting the band 🙄 I laughed it off and tried to change the subject but no … he kept droning on and on about god forbid anyone try and have a good time etc etc … everyone was having a good time but no fucker else was acting like him.

Then came the silent treatment, refusing to talk etc etc so I lost it and told him that this is why I think he’s a cunt when he’s drinking.

he’s totally ruined the night just as he’s ruined many other nights in the same way.

I think this actually could be the end. I’m unhappy and I have been for a while.

You don't need to decide today that you want to leave. But I think you do need to 'get your ducks in a row' as they say here on Mumsnet. You can't argue with a drunk and often not even when sober. The alcohol will always come first. Then you have the power and you can choose quietly when to go.

But should the OP have to put even more of her energy and effort into the relationship? I don’t think so…

You’re married to a knob. That’s it really.

Sorry he spoiled your night @Greyblankie. I'd have been mighty tempted to leave his sorry ass at the venue when I went home so I admire your restraint!

Hope you know you deserve better

I feel for you OP. My dh was exactly as you describe until he stopped drinking entirely. Not touched a drop for 24 years now. He was a completely different character pissed. Rude, obnoxious, unreliable, spoiling for a fight and didn’t give a shit who he upset. Police involvement a couple of times after we’d been out and he’d got nasty. If it had carried on we wouldn’t be together now. Drinking obviously doesn’t suit your dh. He needs to want to give up the booze. For some people drinking flicks some sort of switch into cunt mode.

Why isn't splitting an option?

He's an abusive alcoholic who ruins pretty much every social event, from the sound of it. He's clearly not going to stop drinking and I would absolutely be leaving a man who behaved like this. Horrible.

I've not read beyond this post but.....leave. Start today. This is your one shot at life.

Now, that is serious. Time to think seriously. I see many idiotic opinions on MN - truly idiotic along the lines of 'it is my body, I do what I want, I drink or smoke what I want'. Well, it is only your body if you are not married, because if you are married and drink like a fish and smoke, who do you think is going to carry you around your house when you are invalided? And if you are not in the funds like Mr Schumacher's wife, to look after a severely disabled person, YOU are going to be carrying this paralysed person around the flat. You need to think about it seriously now.

Whoah that is absolutely abusive. Disgusting behaviour. I'd be out of there by hook or by crook asap.

If you decide your marriage is essentially over, and you begin doing what you do with assorted ducks, you might find that you cheer up quite a bit; things he does which have upset you up to now won't have the same effect because the end is in sight. You're moving, bit by little bit towards freedom. Best wishes.

I really struggle when people behaviour like this through drink. I am extremely uncomfortable with it. The first time I saw him act like that I would have walked away, not sure how you've managed to live with him!

If you can't currently separate, then try to stop going to important events with him if you can like precious gigs. Good luck

I’m not a fan of violence but someone who acts like that in public after a drink is, at some point, going to get punched.

Signing the divorce papers from the disgrace of a man will be cause for celebrations.
You can fill in the forms online and start planning your future full of joy, peace and the bliss of being rid of such scum.

Time is of the essence, he's going to end up being beaten up, crashing the car, or getting cirrhosis. You don't want to be around for that.

I think you’re married to my ex. 😂

boy am I glad I got out of THAT relationship!

That's really sad😢and in different circumstances (if they were just doing a farewell tour but just a decision they'd made to end the band) I'd encourage you to go to any performance you could & book a hotel etc by yourself or with a friend. But it sounds like tgat a) might not be possible & b) would be so sad to see him struggling xx

i don't know why you say splitting is impossible right now, but honestly, why? More complicated, more difficult at times, yes, , but never not possible.

it needs to be the end, get your life back! Nothing to stop you maintaining a relationship with his older kids if you want to xx

Ah I'm so sorry OP. This was an important night to you, and he knew it. Yet he still behaved this way.

I think you have just reached the point of no return now. This was the cherry on the top, the tip of the iceberg.

We can tolerate just so much, and then boom, once you see it, you just realise that you can't do it anymore.

As much as I am so sorry he ruined your night, I hope that you can also see now that you will never be happy if you stay with him. He's too self absorbed and his behaviour this night was just pure proof of it.

This will continue to be an issue as long as you are together. I really regret not cutting things off as soon as I realised DH was an alcoholic, despite his many other virtues, but we did have children together and I couldn't imagine his so much as visiting them without me to supervise.

Oh, one tip: never waste time arguing about his drinking while he's drunk. Leave it till he's sober again.

If necessary, video him and show him (not anyone else) how he was acting. They don't realise how they come across to others, and often even don't remember they were drunk.

I was there last night. It was so sad and I'm so very sorry you had to go through that on top of it all.

I saw someone approach Dunc as he was packing down right after they left the stage - guessing that was your DH then. Glad I didn't hear him shouting stuff as I wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue.

If there's one good thing to come out of the show last night let it be that you leave this man and start a new life without him. Leave him Drinking About Life, and run Miles Away Girl.

X

Yes that will have been him … I was the mortified looking woman trying to get out of there. Dunc looked visibly upset - why in gods name would you start pestering for a bloody setlist at that time?! God I couldn’t wait to leave.

nothing ever changes (but the shoes) x

The alcoholic doesn't necessarily get hit by a bolt of lightning to make the decision. Often loving prods - or stern ultimatums - can help.

Hard to tell. Not enough background information.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone in the thick of alcoholism? No 'loving prod' or ultimatum will help. Their only hope is genuinely wanting to change and making that happen.

I’ve not spoken a word to him since I posted this. I actually thought he might have apologised by now but nope … not even an apology. Not that it would make any difference but the fact that he can’t even bring himself to apologise just cements it.