AIBU to think I might have just experienced the end of my marriage?

[Greyblankie]

Been toying with this idea for a while now and tonight I think I’ve experienced the straw that broke the camels back.

Booked tickets to see my favourite band of all time a few months ago, it will be their last tour as the lead singer/dong writer doesn’t have much longer to live. I’ve been looking forward to it for months.

Gig was tonight.

As usual, DH drank too much. He was being loud and obnoxious, at one point said loudly that the singers cancer diagnoses is “fake news” - people were looking - We were stood at the front and he constantly “needed” to go back to the bar barging his way through the crowd then trying to force his way back to the front. We all hate people that do this right? I tried telling him he was pissing people off.

The set got cut short as the singer was struggling too much, it was bloody sad to see. Upsetting actually. He was nearly crying. After the band walked off stage DH started hassling the roadie for a set list. Totally innapropriate.

We got back to the car (I was driving obviously) and I said “you’re a bit embarrassing when you’ve had a drink”. I said it nicely but of course I meant it - I explained why. He started droning on about how the crowd was dead (something else he kept shouting whilst IN said crowd) and he was the only one supporting the band 🙄 I laughed it off and tried to change the subject but no … he kept droning on and on about god forbid anyone try and have a good time etc etc … everyone was having a good time but no fucker else was acting like him.

Then came the silent treatment, refusing to talk etc etc so I lost it and told him that this is why I think he’s a cunt when he’s drinking.

he’s totally ruined the night just as he’s ruined many other nights in the same way.

I think this actually could be the end. I’m unhappy and I have been for a while.

Its beyond anything you need to tolerate. It's not going to get better. He has refused to try and stop drinking. Don't subject yourself to more years of this.

Why would splitting not be realistic? I don’t mean that cruelly. Your new life might not look like your current one (good!) but if it’s the difference (for example) between living in a large house now and needing to downsize, then that would be soooo worth it for the sense of freedom. You have a lot of life left to live.

sober or drunk he sounds a total asshole
you deserve better leave him and start enjoying life your life

therapy to address the alcoholism has to be something the alcoholic does. Not their long-suffering spouse.

Quietly and determinedly get your papers together. Get good advice. Make sure you have a plan. A timescale in your mind. Turn it into a little game with yourself to make the process more bearable.

As to him, I’d just completely ignore him for as long as you can manage. Then one word answers to questions. No more forgiveness. No more plans together. Start living separately under the same roof until freedom is yours.

He sounds cruel. Is it totally alcohol related behaviour or is he problematic without alcohol on boards. I know a lot of alcoholics (family gene I think) and it doesn't necessarily result in cruel behaviour.

If you think it is alcohol related in the main then as most people say it is in his hands whether he wants to address it or not. You could try and help him see the drink problem but I think that's probably not going to work. People are very sensitive and become secretive about it.

What's he like when not drinking?

You obviously don't feel you can just leave now, so take your time now to work things out for you in terms of home, finances, build on other things in your life, then when the times comes, just go/chuck him out. If he knows it's coming, it'll probably be another excuse to drink and in turn cause an argument.

Start making a viable plan to leave. I was married to a (self confessed) alcoholic who was an embarrassment to go out in public with. Pushing alcohol onto someone else just proves that he is trying to normalize behaviour which is not normal. Leaving was the biggest thing I ever did for myself. The relief of going places knowing that my stomach wouldn't be in knots because I didn't know what he would say or do next. Even some relatively moderate drinkers can become complete assholes when they drink too much.

Next time do not go with him. Stop socialising with him. Start preparing to leave. Get advice from a solicitor. Say nothing. Withdraw.

Don't harbour any guilt for his behaviour

Who are the 2% who've said YABU? Probably alcoholics who do this kind if shit tontheir partners.

Your life will be better without him, the sooner you leave, the less of your life you are wasting stuck with him. Don't wait for the 'right' time to leave, make it happen as soon as you can x

If he won't stop drinking for you, that's all the answer you need. My DH is a bad drunk, nowhere near what you are describing, but alcohol makes him argumentative and grumpy and short tempered (in no way abusive) the next day. I wasn't prepared to tolerate it.

i sat him down and calmly explained how it was impacting me and that I hated him drinking because of the way it makes him behave. He gave up drinking. Hasn't had a drop in ten years. He knew himself well enough to know he can't stop at one. Although I would have been okay with one if it was just that.

He does miss it sometimes, but he accepts that if his behaviour when drinking adversely impacts me, then it is not fair for him to drink.

If your DH cannot make a similar decision for the sake of you and your marriage then I think that tells you what you need to know I'm afraid.

Can you say more about why splitting isn't realistic at the moment? When do you envisage that it will become realistic? What needs to change for it to become realistic? How likely is that change to happen?

There's never an ideal time to split up.

You need to prioritise your happiness and health which this man is currently draining from you. A year spent waiting for the realistic or ideal moment is a year of your life wasted with this wanker.

Sounds like a miserable fucker and miserable fuckers don’t improve with age.

Thought it might be them. Ginger used to be a family friends of ours. It's really sad what's happened. My brother used to actually be their roadie!

My neighbour is alcoholic, and sounds a lot like your husband. Her husband walked out, one daughter lives with her, pretty much as her carer - the other one doesn't want to know her. She spends all day shouting and screaming, being a total pain, doesn't maintain her garden, horribly loud music and TV. Her neighbours on the other side are selling up, and we want to because of her, too. Alcoholics repel people. It's the truth. People will walk away. If he doesn't want to change, nobody could blame you if you wanted to walk. It sounds horrific. I couldn't live like that.

He sounds absolutely awful, what a despicable man. Horrible just horrible, get rid !

"No misery please, only positivity. I've lived the life of 10 men and I will die with dignity." GREAT band. I'm sorry your gig was ruined by your husband.

I would ask him seriously to take his drinking seriously and seek help. If not - get out of there. He's a deadweight. Alcoholism is an illness and deserves sympathy, but if the patient won't seek help, that's on them. You have your life to live.

I thought you were talking about the Wildhearts. Honestly with him making those comments about Ginger's cancer, I'm amazed he didn't get punched.

You've posted about your H a lot over the years, under different names I think. And you always get the same advice. Why are you still with him?

If you’re not ready to leave, stop socialising with him. You’ll have so much more fun going out with friends who treat you with respect, and it’s good to start building a social circle for when you are ready to leave.

when he’s not drinking, then that’s the real him

I disagree. In Vino Veritas - It literally means 'In wine, there is truth'.
People mask their real self and put on socially acceptable behaviours when sober, but when drunk the mask falls away and you see their underlying personality, or at least the nasty parts that they keep suppressed normally.

I am sorry about your brother.

Ah God, I'm so sorry. I'm guessing the singer is GW? Absolutely heartbreaking situation, and your husband was a total arse to ruin it for you like that.

In a good relationship, your DH knowing that it was your favourite band would have offered to drive or taxi. Then you could have had atleast one drink if you wanted.

You deserve better

Make plans to seperate

Take legal advice

In vino veritas.

You know yourself it is no way to live anymore. Make your plans, save some money, be free.

How sad for singer. I'll have a listen to them

As for H I couldn't live with that. Although I've known plenty who have including a close friend,my dm my dsis and dsil.

At least you don't have dcs in common.

Ooh, Wildhearts was my guess.
He is a problem drinker.
Some people try to help their partners through this, but personally I think they can only help themselves (or not).