AIBU to think I might have just experienced the end of my marriage?

[Greyblankie]

Been toying with this idea for a while now and tonight I think I’ve experienced the straw that broke the camels back.

Booked tickets to see my favourite band of all time a few months ago, it will be their last tour as the lead singer/dong writer doesn’t have much longer to live. I’ve been looking forward to it for months.

Gig was tonight.

As usual, DH drank too much. He was being loud and obnoxious, at one point said loudly that the singers cancer diagnoses is “fake news” - people were looking - We were stood at the front and he constantly “needed” to go back to the bar barging his way through the crowd then trying to force his way back to the front. We all hate people that do this right? I tried telling him he was pissing people off.

The set got cut short as the singer was struggling too much, it was bloody sad to see. Upsetting actually. He was nearly crying. After the band walked off stage DH started hassling the roadie for a set list. Totally innapropriate.

We got back to the car (I was driving obviously) and I said “you’re a bit embarrassing when you’ve had a drink”. I said it nicely but of course I meant it - I explained why. He started droning on about how the crowd was dead (something else he kept shouting whilst IN said crowd) and he was the only one supporting the band 🙄 I laughed it off and tried to change the subject but no … he kept droning on and on about god forbid anyone try and have a good time etc etc … everyone was having a good time but no fucker else was acting like him.

Then came the silent treatment, refusing to talk etc etc so I lost it and told him that this is why I think he’s a cunt when he’s drinking.

he’s totally ruined the night just as he’s ruined many other nights in the same way.

I think this actually could be the end. I’m unhappy and I have been for a while.

Has he ever tried to address his drinking? Or is he in denial about it?

So he's an abusive alcoholic.

The only question you need to answer is why you stuck it out so long.

I couldn't put up with that. Your husband behaved shamefully.

Have you read about children of alcoholics? The impact to them is devastating.
Get out now

He's an alcoholic. And the one thing about alcoholics is they never change unless they first acknowledge they have a problem. My dad was one and he never accepted it, my sister finally got him to go to an AA meeting once (god knows how she managed that) and he came away saying he "wasn't like those people" so that was the end of that.
If your partner is a lovely person when not drunk, AND he'd be willing to face his problems AND you think staying with him is worth it for these reasons, then there's hope. If not, then I think you should cut your losses and get rid otherwise this isn't going to get any better.

@Greyblankie

I left an alcoholic husband after 38 years of marriage. The first 37 were wonderful then his drinking spun out of control. I lasted 4 months before I couldn't take it anymore. He's still drinking, I'm living in calm, peaceful, and quiet flat. Leaving was the right thing to do.

You deserve to be happy and live in peace and calm. I'm not sure why it's not realistic for you now, but the best thing you can do is try to make it 'minimally realistic' so you can get out.

Oh God me too op. Just had another horrible night. It’s all so depressing and daunting and hard to handle xxx

Not really the point of the thread (sounds like you’ve decided about that), but if the band have any dates left could you go again, obviously without the abusive alcoholic, so your last memory of them is a bit more pleasant?

Alcohol is a horrible drug. I don’t think you should have to have it in your life.

I’m sorry. It should’ve been an emotional goodbye (I know the band you saw) and he ruined it

they don’t change he will only get worse

That would have been upsetting even as a one-off bout of drunken bad behaviour. But he does this routinely; you can never enjoy an evening out with him and he's never sorry that his behaviour ruined your enjoyment of the event. I'd certainly stop going anywhere with him for leisure/pleasure; if you don't have someone else to go with and wouldn't enjoy going alone maybe try something like MeetUp to connect with people with similar interests who may also want occasional company?

Also, some of his behaviour (silent treatment, etc.) sounds like it might amount to emotional abuse if it's habitual. He behaves poorly in a way that negatively impacts you (and others) and then punishes you if you reasonably point out the negative impact. And I wouldn't soften it with "when you're drinking" either, because it sounds like you can never count on him NOT to be drinking. If he refuses to get help or even to acknowledge the problem then yes, I think you should leave.

You would never have known he was struggling until he had to go off stage for painkillers - once they came back on he seemed completely out of it. At one point he didn’t seem to know what the hell was going on - it was awful to see and I’d be suprised if they continue with the rest of the tour 😞

You need to leave when you can. Dont plan any other outings with him, till you can leave. Dont mention to him you're going to leave till you can. It will just make him more volatile when drunk. Best organise yourself quietly then just tell him when ready. So sad you're in this situation. Good luck

”he can’t even socialise with his own (adult) kids without a drink and then tries to force drink onto them too.”

OP, this is classic alcoholic behaviour - addiction loves company. Quite apart from his embarrassing behaviour, this is dreadful behaviour towards his children. You need to leave as soon as is convenient, because he won’t change unless he wants to - doesn’t sound as though he does at the moment. He has form for this sort of behaviour - earlier Guns n Roses concert - and sadly, it will get worse before it gets better (if it gets better - no guarantee).

I have a brother who is an alcoholic who turns into an arrogant selfish entitled prick when he is drunk, much like your DH. The tense wait for when that turn will happen and how to handle fall out in public places is nerve-wracking. Its hard enough to deal with on the odd occasion I see my brother, I just couldn't live with that in a DH. Surely you know you deserve better. Hope you can leave and lead the rest of your life in peace and with happiness.

That’s really sad. I thought Ginger was doing ok too. I’m so sorry your evening was spoilt. As a previous poster said, can you see if you can get tickets for another gig? When a band is really important to you, seeing them live and being surrounded by other fans is so special. I saw The Wildhearts a few weeks ago.
Fingers crossed Ginger is ok to continue with the tour.

I’m also sorry your DH is such a twat as well. It sounds really tough for you x

What’s he like when he’s not drinking? What’s your relationship like without booze? Do you still love him? Some people react very badly to alcohol and it completely changes their personality. My brother’s like this. He’s the sweetest, loveliest guy normally, but when he drinks he turns into an aggressive monster, starts fights with strangers, starts arguments with family members about things that happened years ago. He’s ruined so many family events. He stopped drinking because of it. I’m going to go against the grain and say if you’re happy in your relationship when he’s not drinking, then that’s the real him and I’d base your decision on that. He sounds horrendous to be around when drunk though, so I’d make a rule that you don’t spend time with him when he’s drinking and consider giving him an ultimatum- you or the drink. But it sounds like you’re not happy in general, in which case there’s no reason to stay

There's a whole load of us "living with an alcoholic" under Health, Alcohol Support.

They all seem to get the same personality when pissed - totally obnoxious, rude, argumentative etc etc. Nothing like their previous sober selves.

Anyone with a drunk bf, partner, spouse, family or friend come on over to get support and further insight.

My DH died horribly from cirrhosis just over a year ago. TBH I'm relieved the torment is over for both of us.

There are so very many of us.

This. You wouldn’t put up with this kind of behaviour from a friend, so you shouldn’t put up with it from your ‘D’H.
Sending best wishes, OP.

OP you need to find a way out. Your DH is an immature manchild who can’t handle his drink and you’re unhappy. It will get worse and you will look back and regret the years you have wasted with him. Move on, life is too short for this shit!

What a very sad evening, in so many ways. I’m sorry OP 💐.

Re the ‘straw that broke me’ moment, for me - after years of being increasingly unhappy and knowing that we had no future - a particular event made it crystal clear and there was no ‘I think’ about it. I was done and I never doubted (or regretted) it for one moment. I slept on the sofa cuddling my dog, then told him in the cool of the morning that I was getting a divorce. I did.

I would suggest you are very close to that moment and need to plan carefully how you will call time and follow through. Finances, timing, living situations, the lot.

Good luck.

What a boring bastard, and a man child to boot. Has he always been like this?

He’s an alcoholic. It won’t get better while you’re with him. Stop living this compromise life and get away from him.

So sorry he ruined such a poignant occasion and all your future memories of the gig.

What are the impediments to separating?

You deserve so much more than this.