AIBU to stop arranging things for my stepdaughters and step back?

[CrossWit]

My stepdaughters are tweens and I’ve been with their dad for seven years. I’ve tried to build a relationship with both of them individually but they’re not interested in spending time with me unless it’s a collective shopping trip.

AIBU to just back off and leave them to it? I’m still going to be kind and welcoming when they’re here, but not bother planning days out for them or hobbies or anything else.

Sounds fine. If they arent interested then you are respecting their wishes.

It's fine, they're there to be parented by their father. It's his role to organise days out and their hobbies, meals, cleaning up after them, transport etc.

I think that depends on what kind of relationship you want with them going forward. Kids can become a bit more materialistic and self-absorbed as they approach adolescence, they need the adults in their lives to bear with them a bit and persist in building and maintaining bonds. You are absolutely not obliged to do that for them, but you won’t be close to them as older teens and adults - how do you feel about that?

Does their father put the time in to model healthy relationship behaviour, does he arrange outings and spend time with them? He is the one who really has to do it, not you!

Do they refuse to go out with you? Or go along but pretend they're doing you a massive favour by going? Because tweens can be arseholes even if they love you.

I would. Leave it to your partner as the parent.

I had a step mum and step dad and I really wasn’t interested in spending any time with them. I wish they both would have just stepped back and let me be with my parent.

I tried to build a relationship with my SC, they were primary age and one secondary school age when I met their DF (I wasn’t the OW). It was all fine and we had a lot of fun together but when they got to the age your DSC are @CrossWit, it just became an uphill struggle. I stuck with it for far longer than I should and wish I’d stepped back and encouraged DH to take the lead much sooner. I do have a good relationship with the youngest DSC but the others it’s cordial at best. They are all adults now and the eldest is mid30s, so this is likely to be as good as it gets.

I think everything you wrote is reasonable.

Same here, I had no interest in being made to be around my mother's boyfriends, even less so when they were moved into my home.

This.

Step children who truly love their step parent are few & far between, even if they appear happy & tolerant in the easy primary school years.

To be honest, I think it’s inevitable that we won’t be close as adults. They mostly live with their mum and her family several hours away and I can’t see them ever choosing to leave that area.

We don’t share any hobbies despite my best efforts!

You've made the effort but it's their dad they want to spend time with. Not you.

Is he arranging to do things with them? To spend time and develop shared interests with them? Or has it all been you?

ETA: that's not a snarky comment BTW. But is is true. Its nice if you and your step children get on but l, when they come to visit, they want to spend time with their dad. However nice the activities you plan with them are.

Stepping back isn't bad.
Do the children get to spend time with Dad on his own? I would think about building Dad-only time into their visits.

I think it is better, speaking from experience to try and nurture a “pull” not “push” dynamic

I’m not offended!

It’s usually me who plans days out and activities. On many occasions I’ve taken one out to give the other one-to-one time with her dad, but the one I take acts hard done by, even if we’re doing something fun. They get plenty of time without me though their dad doesn’t plan much.

They’re both happy for me to come if they do an activity with dad, and act sad if I have other plans.

Just leave it to their parents and take a step back.

Drop the rope completely.
They want their dad.
Leave them completely to him.
If they don't see him often, head off to visit friends and relatives yourself.

I feel like I can’t win.

If I go away to see family and friends, they’re sad I’m not around. But if I do things for/with them, or take one so the other can have solo Dad time, they make it clear they’re not happy about that either.

Their ideal would be that I’m quietly in the background paying for and arranging everything, but that’s starting to make me feel quite used?

That's because you are being used. Why are you arranging things? He's the parent, he should be doing it.

Have you read about NACHO step parenting, OP? It might be worth a look.

I would be absent more often tbh

Sounds like your partner is using you too.

If I go away to see family and friends, they’re sad I’m not around - OK, let them be sad then. If you do stick around, pay for nothing and organise nothing.

That's because you are being used.
Why won't their dad arrange and pay for things for his children?

Another of these threads. Same loose theme. Stepmum or dad's girlfriend doing a lot of time entertaining (and paying for?) SKs and dad letting her probably because it makes life easier for him.
Still, we can only go on the information given thus far.

They've just got a crap dad then!

When my exh and I split up, he was crap they'd go and visit but he was useless when it came to planning days out and days at home with him looked like playing video games and watching films all weekend.

When he got a girlfriend, who was quite involved, they did more. She did crafts and baking and planned days out with them.

They always preferred it when she went out with them because he only seemed to be able to function when she was there (when he had an audience whose evaluation of his parentig/judgement) mattered to him.

It was hard for the children because they liked her and liked it when she went out with them for the dynamic but also resented the situation (not her) because they really just wanted to spend time with their dad and wanted their dad to enjoy spending time with them without his efforts having to be validated by being witnessed by someone else.

Ask them if they’d like to do anything with you and go by their answer.