AIBU to stop arranging things for my stepdaughters and step back?

[CrossWit]

My stepdaughters are tweens and I’ve been with their dad for seven years. I’ve tried to build a relationship with both of them individually but they’re not interested in spending time with me unless it’s a collective shopping trip.

AIBU to just back off and leave them to it? I’m still going to be kind and welcoming when they’re here, but not bother planning days out for them or hobbies or anything else.

I think they sound like two normal tweens. My children drive me up the wall asking for the next activity when we have barely finished the first, my 10 year old also uses every opportunity to ask for Nike pros of some sort. She isn’t spoilt and doesn’t get the things she’s asking for and I know this stage will pass. I don’t read anything into it as she is my own child and I know she loves me more than any of the things she asks for. Also both my children moan constantly if they are not treated exactly the same so I would just get used to the moaning about your child being treated differently and ensure their dad does what he can to treat them fairly in comparison.

I also think it’s perfectly normal that they would want to spend time with their dad over you. It sounds like you all enjoy the days out when you are together so just do those.

Yeah stop trying. I did everything I could to arrange fun outings and buy nice food and clothes etc for my DSD & she still stole from me and told her mum and grandparents lies about how badly she was treated as if she was Cinderella. It’s soul destroying.

Stop doing it.let them learn you are not their slave.

After reading your updates OP, I think you would be wise to step back. Yes, children can become materialistic, but not only are the children coming to you when they want something, so is their Mum!!

In essence you are being used for what you can or might provide. The children aren't spending time with you because they want to, they're doing it, to see what they might get out of you. They've been quick to realise that you have deeper pockets than their Dad!!

You aren't responsible for providing material things for your step-children. That responsibility falls entirely to the children's parents. If their parents can't afford to purchase Nike swimsuits, then they don't have them, it's that simple. You aren't there to supplement their parents financial responsibility.

You equally aren't responsible for organising days out/activities for your step-children either. That should fall to their Dad, who should be doing this for his children. He isn't, instead he's leaving it to you, because it makes life easier for him.

Step back completely. Tell your husband that you will no longer be organising activities for his children and he needs to step up. They aren't visiting to see you, they want to spend time with him. Be straight with him...you are no longer funding his children either, because they see you as a cash cow.

Their ideal would be that I’m quietly in the background paying for and arranging everything, but that’s starting to make me feel quite used?

You ARE being used. Used by the children and their mum. And also by their father (your partner). He might be telling you not to spend your money but is he actually stepping up to be the parent instead? It doesn't sound it.

Concentrate on you and your baby. I'm praying you didn't marry this man.

I think they sound like typical children. My parents are still together, but lots of my friends have had step parents that they were at best aloof with growing up, but since we are now all adults most of them are now equally close to their step parents as their actual parents.
I understand the struggle as I have step children myself. I remember the time around having my own children was particularly difficult, as it did change the dynamic and they got a bit jealous (although they were very excited for their new siblings and they are fantastic with them).
In terms of the hobby - for them to even pretend to be interested sounds to me like they were trying to bond more with you. For lots of children, joining clubs, particularly once they are a bit older, is very difficult as it can be hard to join in with existing friendships.
I'd say carry on as you intend to by being welcoming and polite and continue inviting them on family trips, but lower your expectations around what you are going to get out of this relationship in the short term. Also, establish boundaries about what you are prepared to pay for and stick to them.

If you are not married, I hope you are not, then definitely rethink this relationship where your income is being used to finance this user and his family.

Try reading the OP’s posts again.

They sound horrible.

They don't at all. Most kids at best are uninterested in a parents current girlfriend/boyfriend/new spouse.

OPs partner/husband is using her for money and to parent his eldest kids for him.

Yet they are very interested in OPs money and time when she arranges fun activities for them.

That is horrible indeed.

Not horrible, just standard for children.
Regardless, hopefully OP will prioritise herself and her child and leave the man to enjoy time with his kids when they visit.

It’s not standard actually. It’s rude.

They aren’t toddlers, they know exactly what they’re doing…asking OP for McDonalds and new things out of earshot of their Dad on purpose because they think they can use and manipulate her. Happy when OPs spending her money on them but otherwise want time
just with Dad.

That Is horrible.

I'm not interested in back and forths with anyone.
It's on their parents to pay for them and arrange outings. It's horrible of the father to not bother doing these things.

Then stop quoting me.

The Dad does plan things but they think they can manipulate OP into getting more out of her because they are taking the mick.

Their dad does arrange activities, but for instance, if he books swimming they’ll ask me in the changing rooms if we can go to McDonald’s afterwards, and mention that their swimming costumes are too tight and that they really want Nike ones, and say how much they’d like to go to a film that’s just come out, and please please can we buy some goggles because theirs are broken?

Sounds perfectly fine to me!

I would take a big step back, do my own thing when I wanted, and join in when asked and if available.

Any requests for money or for paying for things, going to Mc Donald’s etc need to be met with a uniform “ask your Dad”, I think.

I don’t think you should pay for anything directly, only through joint funds with him where agreed.

It’s not perfectly fine though it’s rude, they are taking the mick and using OP for her money and kindness.

Horrible indeed.

Not normal at all.
Some children are like that.
Goodness knows mine had their moments, but nagging for stuff wasn't something they did, much less asking anyone else.
It is very rude.
They sound dragged up and are following their awful parents, who are using the OP.

One thing they will remember later in life is if you make an effort, when they were awkward teenagers.

Yes please do. I have a step mother and I did not want to be her friend or hang out. I already had two parents I didn’t need a third.

This.

OP, have you not clicked why they "act sad" when you're not going on the outing with them?
They can't get anything out of their dad like they can you. You don't go there is no Mcdonalds money, no new goggles money, no new clothes money. They do not want you there for any other reason than to spend your money.
I say this as nicely as possible because you seem a lovely caring person : Stop being a pushover. Buy nothing from now on till their bday / Christmas. Let their dad do it. You have your own baby to buy for and if they don't like it, that's too bad. They can ask their mum or dad for it not YOU

I’ve been in your shoes and I send you sympathy. Utterly agree with step back and look after yourself. They will grow up and go further away one day, and you might even really like each other then. Good luck!

I felt same about my stepmums and stepdads (have had multiple of both 😂) but this scenario is different, my mum wouldn’t ever dream of messaging my step mum to by me things and if she found out I’d been asking for expensive stuff form her she’d have been embarrassed. My dad was an arse in many ways but he wouldn’t have let me ask his wife to buy me expensive things that he or my mum won’t/don’t/can’t buy.