AIBU to stop arranging things for my stepdaughters and step back?

[CrossWit]

My stepdaughters are tweens and I’ve been with their dad for seven years. I’ve tried to build a relationship with both of them individually but they’re not interested in spending time with me unless it’s a collective shopping trip.

AIBU to just back off and leave them to it? I’m still going to be kind and welcoming when they’re here, but not bother planning days out for them or hobbies or anything else.

@CrossWit You are feeling used because that's what you are. They have showed you they only want you to pay and organise. I would say stop and leave their dad to it.

dad should be doing these things anyway. You are not being unreasonable at all. Kids that live between two homes usually want the biological parents attention more than anything. Just continue being supportive and kind.

Of course they're using you - that's what kids do if you let them!

Stop organising or paying for anything. That's their Dad's job.

If they remark on the change tell them you're skint.

I think you’ve just described all tweens (maybe teens too?) to be fair… can never win and whatever you do they’ll still moan 🤣

I think you should pencil something in for yourself (eg shopping, cafe, gym) and if they’re fine with it, leave them to it with their dad. If they moan, “cancel” your “plans” for them 😉and go with them …. 🤣

Why are you paying for their activities? That's their father's job. Is he using you too, as a wallet, a nanny and an activities coordinator?

Let dad arrange and pay for days out. Are you the higher earner by any chance?

Yeah I am, and in the past the highest earner out of all of their “parents” by far. Over the years, they and their mum have come to me to ask for material things, which I direct to their dad. I don’t always say yes to them, but if I say yes 2 times out of 5 compared to their dad saying yes 1 time out of 5, then they clearly think it’s more worthwhile trying their luck with me.

Their dad does arrange activities, but for instance, if he books swimming they’ll ask me in the changing rooms if we can go to McDonald’s afterwards, and mention that their swimming costumes are too tight and that they really want Nike ones, and say how much they’d like to go to a film that’s just come out, and please please can we buy some goggles because theirs are broken? So it all adds up pretty fast even if I’m declining most requests.

We have a baby together now and there’s a lot of comments about how the baby gets more clothes and so on. Of course he does, he grows out of them every few months!

All in all I’m feeling pretty used and tired of it, and I feel like they’re going to resent me whatever I do and say, so I might as well be resented with more spare time and money.

Keep your money and preserve your tume and energy. You shouldn't have to be used, in order to be tolerated. Pulling back may just highlight to them that you do contribute alot to their upbringing; and more importantly, that ingratitude doesn't 'pay'.

Sounds like you need to take a step back. Every time they ask for something to say, 'Ask your dad'

They are not your children, stop paying for things that their actual parents should be covering, be generous at Christmas and Birthdays, reset their expectations and focus your energy and finances on your child.

They are using you and they have their mother's backing. When you come out of the changing room, say, "DH, the children have just asked me for MacDonalds, new swimsuits, new goggles and to see a movie. They seem to think I'm made of money." Say it in front of them and let him deal with it.

I wouldn't buy them anything except a moderate Christmas and birthday present.

Build your relationship with them as an adjunct to him being with them. You’re talking about girls here and you probably have a much more instinctive sense of what is going to appeal to them. Set it up so he can lead but no reason from what you said as to why you shouldn’t join in. I’m much better understanding my SD’s wants /needs, but ultimately she’s very much a daddy’s girl.

DH and his DC are taking advantage of your generosity. I would take a huge step back.

Their ideal would be that I’m quietly in the background paying for and arranging everything, but that’s starting to make me feel quite used?

yes, I'd feel the same.

You have chosen to have a child with a user and his children have learned this from him.

Take responsibility for your choices.
You know this is the case.

It's all rather grubby and grabby.
You deserve better.

Your child certainly deserves better.

Stop paying for anything.
Bank this money for YOUR child and rethink the relationship.

You really do deserve better.

So if you have a baby to look after, tell your “D”H he needs to step up his parenting, and liaise with his ex about his older children needing clothing, etc and paying for all their items. Take a step back. Close your wallet. Your H really saw you coming. As did his ex. The kids are just following their parents’ example. Did he move in with you into a bigger/nicer house? And all of a sudden, everyone in this scenario decided you were moneybags?

There's a thread like this every week.
OP, good advice in PPs.

Yes the girls don’t see you as a parent, you’re a purse and they are exploiting your good nature, I’m sorry. Tweens and teens can be very manipulative.

I’d direct them to their dad every time and when they complain about the baby tell them “I have personally spent thousands of pounds and a lot of time on both you girls. You don’t need to be jealous of a little baby. You’re growing up now, and if you want to get treats you’ll either have to ask your dad for a gift or offer to him that you’ll do chores in exchange for some allowance. You don’t really want me to treat you like babies, do you?”

He’s got plenty of experience now of days out and activities because you’ve shown him. Enjoy your time when they’re in your home but their dad needs to spend time with them on his own doing stuff. Of course the one staying with you feels hard done by. They want to see their dad, not you.
Stop spending on things because they’re all using you.

This sums it up!
Step back.

Furthermore, from my experience, kids need private time with their parent. Give them space.

This from @TFImBackIn When you come out of the changing room, say, "DH, the children have just asked me for MacDonalds, new swimsuits, new goggles and to see a movie. They seem to think I'm made of money." Say it in front of them and let him deal with it.

Whats the saying about sunlight, say it out loud so everyone can hear it or something? Expose it and make it understood by everyone that requests made in private will be passed on in public.

If they don’t like that your baby is getting new clothes, say his mum is buying them (ie you) and they have a mum and a dad who can buy them things. Then leave it up to their mum and dad to either buy things or to explain why they can’t buy things. Either way, it’s not your job. It’s one thing to be generous, it’s nice to be generous, but this isn’t generosity any more, it’s requests and expectations. It’s up to you to pull back because no one else will. Why should they?!

Use those weekends to take your baby to visit relatives or friends. Or to go to the beach.

Over the years, they and their mum have come to me to ask for material things, which I direct to their dad

Fuck that right off.

Are you married to the father?(Because you'd be financially linked legally if married)

He's ripping the piss out of you, him and his ex leeching your bank account and time.
Are you not angry?

Children aren't stupid Op, they work out quite young whose a soft touch and is most likely to give them their own way. Let's be honest, even their DM knows you're the one with the money and isn't above asking you for stuff for the DC and that shapes their attitude to you, ask @CrossWit for what you want.

You wanted them to like you, sadly, they do like you but their Dad's who they come to see, they want your lovely days out but with Dad, not you. Men can be lazy about planning, tell him in future you'll be happy to give him ideas but the paying is down to him.

Pull back by all means Op but don't make it too obvious, now you have your own baby you don't want the DSD to think they've been replaced by the baby

Funny how these guys with children always target a solvent woman.

So sad. Women offering themselves up to be used.

They are sad when you go because the organiser/ATM is gone.

That's all.

Go away and stop organising and paying for anything.

Have some self respect.

Even his Ex is using you...ffs.🙄