AIBU to stop arranging things for my stepdaughters and step back?

[CrossWit]

My stepdaughters are tweens and I’ve been with their dad for seven years. I’ve tried to build a relationship with both of them individually but they’re not interested in spending time with me unless it’s a collective shopping trip.

AIBU to just back off and leave them to it? I’m still going to be kind and welcoming when they’re here, but not bother planning days out for them or hobbies or anything else.

Wow, they really do see you as an ATM don’t they!

they’ll ask me in the changing rooms if we can go to McDonald’s afterwards, - don’t know, ask you dad when we get to the pool, it’s up to him
mention that their swimming costumes are too tight and that they really want Nike ones - ooh yes that would be nice I agree (if followed up that you should buy it - oh you’ll have to ask your mum and dad)
say how much they’d like to go to a film that’s just come out - yes sounds great, ask you dad. Unfortunately, Id need to babysit.
please please can we buy some goggles because theirs are broken. - you’ll have to ask your dad.
there’s a lot of comments about how the baby gets more clothes and so on - yes, babies do grow fast don’t they!

They sound like they are being brought up to be grasping unpleasant individuals and you are doing them a favour to put a stop to it.

I don’t communicate much with their mum anymore because she took it too far. Whenever she had a request, she would come to me instead of him, because, clearly like her daughters, she sees me as the soft touch…

In their dad’s defence, he does tell me not to spend money on them. The thing is, I don’t mind spending money on family things or even directly on them, but not when it feels like our relationship is entirely based on that.

On one hand I do think they’re just being normal kids, but on the other, one of them recently showed huge interest in one of my hobbies, which necessitated a six-month waiting list for her to try it out and a full (mostly transferable) kit, only for a message to come through from their mum saying she hates it and won’t go again. And I thought, hang on, that wasn’t showing interest in the hobby or spending time with me, it was an interest in spending money in JD Sports…

It’s tipped the balance for me.

my daughter HATES not getting any time alone with her dad , his ap is always there no matter what and it’s caused my child a great host of problems !
is it out of guilt you try doing things or did the relationship start after things ended with there mam ? There dad is responsible for there care when they are with him and not you , you shouldn’t be imposing on there time either my daughter would say she wanted the other woman there but only cause she knew it appeased her dad

I think it’s fairy normal for kids this age to act a bit disdainful of activities adults plan. Even if it’s fun and they enjoy it when they are there, it’s like they are hard wired to act like they are much too cool for it.
Are they complaining and disruptive when you are there? Or do they seem to have a good time despite moaning initially? Cos if it’s latter, I’d be inclined to put it down to tween sarkiness and press on. Especially if they seem to enjoy your company and are disappointed when you aren’t around.
Not that I really think it’s down to you to be planning activities anyway. How do stepmothers seem to end up the default parent for stepkids as well as their own? Are men really that useless?

Honestly I think this would be the same for your own children or someone else’s - if they are being demanding and greedy, you shouldn’t support them in it. Then that’s even more obvious to me since they aren’t even your kids and aren’t interested in treating you as another parent. Pleasant but distant is totally fine - leave your husband to it, it’s his responsibility.

It sounds like they like you and want you around but they don't see much of dad because they are with mum most of the time, so they want him around too. I'd tell DH he needs to step up and start making plans and paying for activities but still join them on the activities as a 4.

I met my stepdaughter when she was 10. I did her nails, took her for her hair cutting, converted my integral garage to give her a bedroom. Threw her first ever birthday party, took her out for tea, weekends away and holidays abroad. She asked me to do her hair and make up for her school prom, I bought her a prom dress, took her for a spray tan and her nails doing. Got her provisional driving licence and renewed her passport.Bought her clothes, nice birthday and Christmas presents and she came for tea every day after school and stayed over alternative weekends. We got on or so I thought. I did this because I married her Dad but also because I wanted to.
She thanked me by not bothering to invite me to her wedding.
So I would step back but make them feel comfortable when they're staying with you cos they probably wont give two shits about you when they get older.

Op it sounds like you’ve made every effort with these girls.

Continue to be polite and whatever but reign in the spending on them.

Be careful with the resentment as they say it is like drinking your own poison!

To prepare for your change have a few stock answers ready when they ask for food/materialistic items

Seems to me that’s why they are sad when you don’t tag along because maybe they know their dad isn’t going to treat them or the chances are slimmer

However in some ways they are only chancing their luck and who wouldn’t

@ByUniqueViper She thanked me by not bothering to invite me to her wedding.

That is truly shocking. Did she give a reason? How is your relationship now?

When I read you had a baby with him my heart sank.

Please tell me you’re not all living in your house?

MNetters will encourage you to step back and act like these DCs are nothing more than some random strangers who’ve somehow been forced to lodge with you occasionally. Beware of women who are resentful of and dislike their own stepchildren; they want other woman to have a shit relationship with their SDCs as it validates their own choices.

I’m a believer that you reap what you sow. The effort you put in now will pay dividends in the future. No one’s saying you have to be parent of the year to these girls but a bit of love, friendship and kindness never hurt anyone.

I'd just pull gently back with a few stock phrases " that sounds nice, best ask Dad" sort of thing.
If you then agree with DH to fund the thing jointly then that's fine but he can be the one who determines what is bought.
This age kids can be very materialistic so if you keep dipping your hand in your pocket they will keep asking. If they make comments about the baby, you just agree that baby is growing fast and getting through clothes at a rate of knots.
Be consistent and kind but not a pushover. Best you can do really

There’s plenty of people I like hanging out with in a group as they change the group dynamic, but we don’t have much in common so we don’t have or pursue a one on one relationship so I don’t think this is that odd.

Also I can see why they would feel hard done by being taken away from their dad when they’ve come to visit their dad. I’m not necessarily saying it’s wrong to facilitate one on one time with their dad, but you are very much the consolation prize to them. They wouldn’t be coming to visit you for weekends if you split up with their dad so it makes sense they’re feeling left out of their family dynamic when their sibling is spending time with a parent and they’re not.

I'm lucky, my stepmother is a wonderful person. I love her like an auntie. Not everyone hates their step parents!

I would say just go with the flow. Maybe ask them if there is anything they'd like to do like go to the cinema or something.

OP wrote they wanted to go to the cinema, while already swimming, wanting new branded swimming gear, new goggles and a McDonalds. All funded by her, and neither of the kids parents

Best leave the suggestions to their father.

Yeah my bad, I don't usually miss the finer details but I am very tired after no sleep in this fine weather last night. Thanks for mentioning :)

I think this is perfect - having a few stock replies ready will help you not get caught out - ie. in the changing rooms "right, well, we'll give that list to your Dad when we're out of here!" Or "the girls want to ask you about this DH/the girls feel they need new XYZ dear"

And I agree that consistency is important - you've drawn your line, stick to it.

Yep, step back. They have two parents - it's their job to do that parent work, not yours.

What's actually happening?

Is your husband not taking the lead? Is he not collaborating with their mother to sort this - and just assuming you'll do this free nanny work?

Or are you diving in between them, trying to perform 'cool stepmum'?

Then there's what they might actually feel about you in the mix. Is there history there?

I think they are old enough for you ti say when they’re acting sad ‘I’m not falling for that, you act grumpy and like I’m making you do chores and you’re out under duress when I do take you out, so I’ve stopped. I can go out with lots of people who like my company, I choose that.

id say that to my dc who are 10 and 7!!

this too - you can also say baby is 10% taller than a Few months ago, if you grow that fast you will need new clothes too. Eat your veggies and see!

Take a massive step back,what ever you do will not be good enough and you will forever be judged.

Welcome to step parenting on mumsnet 🙌

You need to talk to their dad and tell him you are feeling used and you are stepping back. You also need to make it clear that this means you expect him to step up. Requests for material things need to be redirected back to “you need to ask your dad or mum”. Maybe arrange one family thing a month - a meal or cinema visit (though that might be tricky with your little one) - other than that these kids have two parents and you aren’t one of them.

Another useless man palming a share of the already-minimal parenting he does off on his new partner.

I’m going to make some kind of keyboard shortcut to copy-paste that statement, given how often I have cause to post it.

I think that’s fine. Why are they making comments about you spending money on clothes for the baby like they are expecting the same amount spent on them. I’d tell them that they got bought lots of clothes regularly when they were a baby as they outgrew them fast like your little one. I find that really cheeky behaviour, and they clearly have expectations that you will treat them. Is that why they are sad when you don’t go on trips out as they see you as a soft touch? I’d cut back on what you do spend on them, that’s their dad’s responsibility when with you, not yours.

They are old enough to be part of the planning. Get them and their dad to plan, then go along. They seem to want you there, and that's high praise from teenagers! If they don't want to let the other one have individual time with dad, that's not your problem to sort. I would keep on enjoying the nice bits. Keep a relationship - they will value you more as they get older xx