To not invite this friend to my wedding?

[wisdombra]

I’ll try to keep it short. I have a friend I’ve known of for years, families are friends, my sister is best friends with one of her close female relatives. Point I’m making is that we’re in the same circle, often been at past parties and weddings. We started to socialise one on one a few years ago but grew apart when we both moved away and had babies at the same time although kept in touch over text.

There’s been a few occasions that make me think she doesn’t really value me as a friend as much as I valued her.

• She invited me out for her birthday when I was heavily pregnant, her partner was going, and a few of her other friends were bringing their partners too. I asked if it’d be okay to bring mine as I was travelling a couple of hours by train to attend, it was central London and I live in Kent. She told me she’d rather I didn’t, I thought about it and decided against going, and told her this, mainly because of having to travel back late at night in winter alone. She then backtracked and said I could bring him then.

• She invited me to attend her baby shower when my baby was 6 weeks old. She immediately followed it up with “I understand if you can’t because of the baby” She lives about an hour away by car, longer on the train. I’d just had a C section and baby wasn’t taking a bottle at this point. I wasn’t able to attend as I wasn’t comfortable leaving the baby so soon and for such a long period. I felt as though it was more important to her that my baby wasn’t there than it was for me to be there.

• We agreed to meet at a National Trust type place nearer to her, with both our kids and partners. My other sister also happens to live two minutes away from it and told me she was planning to visit that day too. I told friend that DS was also visiting that day with her DC, would it be okay if she tagged along to the farm and farm shop. Friend flat out said she wouldn’t come if I was planning on seeing my sister there because she doesn’t know her very well and she wouldn’t feel comfortable. I went with my sister in the end.

We still have each other on social media and like eachother’s posts etc but we’ve not spoken since really. I’m getting married soon, I don’t think she’d like to attend to be honest but seeing as some of her family will be in attendance, would it be rude not to invite her?

I dont think you were unreasonable! She was allowing other friends to bring their partners but said -"No" to you and only relented when you said you couldnt come. She gave you a courtesy invite to her baby shower but seemed to be actually saying dont come with the baby.
Even when you asked if your sis could join you both for part of the trip ,her response that she would'nt come if your sister was going seems an awful immature response .
Im afraid I'd pick my sister every time and No. I wouldnt invite her to your wedding. It sounds like your freindship has run it's course.

Does she have other children or was the baby shower pregnancy her first one? It sounds like she might’ve just not known what it’s like to be pregnant, then not known what it’s like to have a baby, for the first two examples before she had her own

Birthday do: If the others were bringing their partners, no need to even ask whether you could bring yours surely?
Baby shower: she told you she understood if you couldn’t go due to your newborn! End of. It was no crime inviting you!
National Trust: it’s a bit strange she refused having your sister there. It’s a public place after all. Not a reason to exclude her from your wedding though.

I agree with this. The woman who suggested something would have been the third wheel with the sister. That’s unfair.

Op could you just invite her then hope she doesn’t want to go without oh as she seemed to ignore yours.

I’m not sure what she’s done?

Anyone who expects baby not to go has clearly never had a baby (or at least had a more straightforward baby set up). I had caesareans and my first baby would not take a bottle. I didn’t go away from her for the first 6 months!

Don’t give this issue another thought. Weddings have number constraints and it’s quite normal not to invite old friends you see less of, current friends you haven’t known long enough… It’s not some massive snub. She sounds high maintenance. Your lives are moving in different directions. The chances of you seeing each other as the years go by will diminish until you wonder what you were ever worrying about.