To not invite this friend to my wedding?

[wisdombra]

I’ll try to keep it short. I have a friend I’ve known of for years, families are friends, my sister is best friends with one of her close female relatives. Point I’m making is that we’re in the same circle, often been at past parties and weddings. We started to socialise one on one a few years ago but grew apart when we both moved away and had babies at the same time although kept in touch over text.

There’s been a few occasions that make me think she doesn’t really value me as a friend as much as I valued her.

• She invited me out for her birthday when I was heavily pregnant, her partner was going, and a few of her other friends were bringing their partners too. I asked if it’d be okay to bring mine as I was travelling a couple of hours by train to attend, it was central London and I live in Kent. She told me she’d rather I didn’t, I thought about it and decided against going, and told her this, mainly because of having to travel back late at night in winter alone. She then backtracked and said I could bring him then.

• She invited me to attend her baby shower when my baby was 6 weeks old. She immediately followed it up with “I understand if you can’t because of the baby” She lives about an hour away by car, longer on the train. I’d just had a C section and baby wasn’t taking a bottle at this point. I wasn’t able to attend as I wasn’t comfortable leaving the baby so soon and for such a long period. I felt as though it was more important to her that my baby wasn’t there than it was for me to be there.

• We agreed to meet at a National Trust type place nearer to her, with both our kids and partners. My other sister also happens to live two minutes away from it and told me she was planning to visit that day too. I told friend that DS was also visiting that day with her DC, would it be okay if she tagged along to the farm and farm shop. Friend flat out said she wouldn’t come if I was planning on seeing my sister there because she doesn’t know her very well and she wouldn’t feel comfortable. I went with my sister in the end.

We still have each other on social media and like eachother’s posts etc but we’ve not spoken since really. I’m getting married soon, I don’t think she’d like to attend to be honest but seeing as some of her family will be in attendance, would it be rude not to invite her?

All your examples are extremely minor imo. All of them can be just moved on from. I could put together a list of similar small misunderstandings or miscommunications with any of my friends. We move on from them because we’re friends. Your friend could probably make a similar list about you.

There’s probably no moving on from not inviting her to your wedding. She will be hurt, things will DEFINITELY be awkward, and probably no longer friends.

If you want to draw a definitive line in the sand and make it clear that you no longer consider her your friend and you don’t mind drama and don’t mind being the ‘bad guy’ - don’t invite her.

If you want to avoid drama and just let things drift, leaving the door open for potential future friendliness- invite her. If she doesn’t want to come, she will find a reason to decline.

How do you know that? Did she say something else after? Because nothing in the actual message you've said she sent says that!

Agree with everyone else that I dont see any issue with any of what she's done - I do think some posters are being a bit unnecessarily critical of you about the NT outing - I initially agreed that adding a new person can change the day out but then if she's frequently done the same and invited her own friends/cousin to join the two of you there was nothing wrong with you asking about the same.

If you don't want to invite her, don't.
You don't need to find justification!

I wouldn't invite her but if you feel you must because of the shared social circle then invite her to the evening only. However, I'd make it difficult for her to attend by inviting her only and not her family. So you just give her a courtesy invitation but signal that you don't really want her to attend.

If she asks about bringing her family, just say no because you're tight on numbers and your partner doesn't really know her family.

Agree with this. She doesn’t come across as the unreasonable one here Op. If you don’t want to invite her, then that’s fine, but it reads like you’re scratching around to justify not inviting her, rather than simply owning your decision.

She said not to worry about the baby shower if you couldn’t make it because of the baby, so that’s what you did. What’s the issue? Unless you were especially hoping to show your baby at the baby shower?

I don’t think she comes across as unreasonable in the other scenarios either. It’s a bit offensive when people invite others to plans, not everyone is a more the merrier person. SIL does this, it gets annoying.

Totally agree with this post, I read it exactly that way also! Agree with 1st and 2nd point.

Apart from 3rd point where, depending on what interactions or not she’s had with your sister, etc, it would change the dynamics of the meet up. I have been in this situation like this but knowing behind the scenes that actually my friend used to bitch about the sister to me, making it incredibly difficult for me to join in the dynamic any longer (just my example though).

I don't think she's done anything wrong. She just wants to be with you not others. Fair enough?

You were really unreasonable on the national trust thing. You clearly don’t value her that much so just don’t invite her

YABU. She likes you and wants to see you, not your partner, your sister and her kids, your newborn, or whoever else you want to bring along. She understood if you couldn't come but was doing the right thing by inviting you. You may be 'more the merrier' but not everyone is by a long shot and not everyone's partners and children are the same to hang out with. Invite who you want to your wedding, but to get pissy about any of these 3 incidents is unreasonable.

Invite who you want but it doesn’t look like she’s done much wrong

Extremely weird behaviour not to invite a baby to a baby shower. You were being UR in the national trust story though. Doesn’t seem like you are really friends.

It doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong. It sounds like a power play from you. The 3 events you describe are you trying to dictate who attends and her pushing back against it. Now it's your wedding and you have the ultimate power over her to dictate who attends. You're not her friend, and after you snub her over your wedding, she won't be yours.

No need to invite her. She probably wouldn't want to come anyway. Dont worry about it.

It sounds almost as if you're score settling. Not inviting her would probably end your friendship. Up to you.

You don't have to invite anyone you don't want to invite. It sounds as if you don't really like her much and you're obviously very different people.

I don't think she's done anything even remotely unreasonable though. Basically, in two of your examples you wanted to bring other people she doesn't really know to social events that they weren't invited to, and in the other example, she had a baby shower which didn't work for you because you'd only just had a baby yourself, and she was kind enough to say she understood if you couldn't make it. You seem offended by the that for reasons I really can't fathom.

Honestly, I suspect she might be relieved not to be invited.

Nothing she has done sounds bad. You want her to be in the wrong somehow so you can say that is why you aren't inviting her to your wedding. Just be honest- you don't like her and you don't want to be friends.

You can invite who you want but none of those incidents seem like anything to me.

Thanks all for your responses.

I think for me, stipulating my partner couldn’t attend her birthday meal just felt mean spirited. Before I met my partner, she’d often invite her other half along to our outings ( I was always third wheeling lol), also her cousin, friends, sister etc. Since it wasn’t a women only night out, her partner was attending, along with her brothers in law, cousins, brother, other friends partners, it felt a bit excluding. Especially since I was making the effort to travel for a couple of hours by train whilst pregnant to celebrate with her. It was a 9pm sitting at a London restaurant, I wouldn’t have been home before 1am. Also live the complete opposite direction to the rest of the group so I’d have been travelling alone.

Happy to be told I was being unreasonable re the NT day out. I was being short sighted but seeing as it wasn’t the plan for my DS to join for the entire day, only the tiny farm section, I hasn’t anticipated it being such a big deal to her. Especially since in the past we’ve socialised as a group, with people I barely knew, quite often. I don’t get the chance to visit my sister and nieces often so I wrongly just thought I’d kill two birds with one stone since she was already intending on being there.

The situation with the baby shower was the main catalyst for me. The venue wasn’t easy to get to, at least an hour an a half by train, multiple trains and buses. I was excited to celebrate with her and had accepted the invitation verbally before receiving the written invitation which came with a PS of no children. I wouldn’t have been comfortable leaving my breastfed baby for so long, also wasn’t driving at this point. I’d completely understand not wanting toddlers running around and ravaging the sweet table but it felt as though she didn’t want me attending at all.

The friendship has run its course for us both it seems but not inviting her would be the line in the sand. It’s also slightly tricky when you run in the same circles.

Just to add, she’d never make the effort to come to me anyway. Even before I moved away. I don’t think she was distancing herself either as she’d text frequently to say we must plan something soon. She was just happy for me to do all the running around and putting myself out all the time

Totally agree. If you arrange to meet a friend, you’re the one BU to put her on the spot by asking to let someone she doesn’t know (and isn’t interested in knowing) tag along.

As for the other incidents, the rudest one is her making it clear your partner wasn’t welcome when other partners were. Is there a background with them not getting on?

edited to add: the newborn thing sounds like she didn’t want your baby taking attention away from her!

She sounds a bit me-me-me. You aren’t getting along well so I just wouldn’t invite her on that basis.

It's a pet peeve of mine - the more the merrier. My very best friend and I meet in a central place a few times a year. Involves a couple of hours travel each. Drives me nuts when all sorts of people rock up.

But her baby shower was at the time it needed to be for her. If you don't want to invite her then don't. But you seem to be clutching at straws.

Zero issue with her having a baby shower when I was 6 weeks pp! Issue is with the fact she wasn’t happy for me to bring my newborn, knowing it’d mean I wouldn’t be able to attend, for there then to be kids there anyway??

Exactly this 🤷🏻‍♀️