To not invite this friend to my wedding?

[wisdombra]

I’ll try to keep it short. I have a friend I’ve known of for years, families are friends, my sister is best friends with one of her close female relatives. Point I’m making is that we’re in the same circle, often been at past parties and weddings. We started to socialise one on one a few years ago but grew apart when we both moved away and had babies at the same time although kept in touch over text.

There’s been a few occasions that make me think she doesn’t really value me as a friend as much as I valued her.

• She invited me out for her birthday when I was heavily pregnant, her partner was going, and a few of her other friends were bringing their partners too. I asked if it’d be okay to bring mine as I was travelling a couple of hours by train to attend, it was central London and I live in Kent. She told me she’d rather I didn’t, I thought about it and decided against going, and told her this, mainly because of having to travel back late at night in winter alone. She then backtracked and said I could bring him then.

• She invited me to attend her baby shower when my baby was 6 weeks old. She immediately followed it up with “I understand if you can’t because of the baby” She lives about an hour away by car, longer on the train. I’d just had a C section and baby wasn’t taking a bottle at this point. I wasn’t able to attend as I wasn’t comfortable leaving the baby so soon and for such a long period. I felt as though it was more important to her that my baby wasn’t there than it was for me to be there.

• We agreed to meet at a National Trust type place nearer to her, with both our kids and partners. My other sister also happens to live two minutes away from it and told me she was planning to visit that day too. I told friend that DS was also visiting that day with her DC, would it be okay if she tagged along to the farm and farm shop. Friend flat out said she wouldn’t come if I was planning on seeing my sister there because she doesn’t know her very well and she wouldn’t feel comfortable. I went with my sister in the end.

We still have each other on social media and like eachother’s posts etc but we’ve not spoken since really. I’m getting married soon, I don’t think she’d like to attend to be honest but seeing as some of her family will be in attendance, would it be rude not to invite her?

Fine if you don't want to, don't.

But in the National Trust story, you were the one being unreasonable.

I agree that it's fine if you don't want to invite her - you can invite whoever you want.

But none of the examples you have given sound like a reason not to. They don't sound too bad to me - just that she doesn't much like being around people she doesn't really know very well. It seems like you are hunting for reasons to think that she's not much of a friend.

I don’t think she’s done anything wrong in these circumstances.

On points one and 2 - she invited you, you are free to decline any invite, especially as you live quite far away. It was polite of her to invite you, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect someone to consider every individual’s journey time/method, and individual circumstances. If something is not convenient for you then don’t go.

On the third point, there are different schools of thought on this - personally I hate when I’m meeting up with someone and they invite someone else to join, changing the dynamics. Some people are totally fine with the more the merrier. I don’t think you were unreasonable to suggest inviting your DS, I don’t think she was unreasonable to not be keen.

I’m more worried about it being awkward when I next see her I suppose.

Do you think? Maybe it’s me but I’m very much ‘more the merrier’. She wouldn’t have been joining for the full day. There’s been plenty of occasions where DFriend’s sister or cousin have tagged along and it wouldn’t have occurred to me to ask her not to bring them. I appreciate people are different though and some are more reserved than others.

I’m not great at social interaction, but my reading is that she’d probably be relieved. She hasn’t put much effort into your friendship or treated you very considerately for a long time. Just be aware that if you don’t invite her, that’s probably the death knell of the friendship (I’d be perfectly comfortable with that in your shoes!)

You're reading WAY too much into literally all of the above scenarios.

Birthday - she wanted you there so badly, she made an exception for you

Baby shower - invited you and gave you an out so you didn't feel obliged to go when baby was so small. Showed she understood your situation and was extending you empathy as she knew the journey was a long one.

National Trust - she wanted to spend quality time with YOU, arranged to spend time with YOU, and you invited your sister and changed the whole experience.

YABU.

Yeah YABU here OP.

I am definitely not your friend btw, but I would probably have behaved the same way in all above circumstances for the reasons given.

You can invite who you like to your wedding. No caveats.

But none of those things sound like her fault tbh - the NT day is completely reasonable on her part, the baby shower doesn't sound like she wasn't inviting the baby but saying if its too far to come with the baby don't worry & the partner to her bday dinner I'd prob have just said yes but again, her event she can invite who she likes.

You sound like YOU are the one with the problem tbh! She’s been perfectly reasonable but you are looking for non existent reasons to be offended by her!

Read your posts back op as if someone else had written them and think about your behaviour toward this poor woman!

Ooooh i'm on the fence OP!

I mean first off - you're under no obligation to be anyone's friend if you don't want to. If you feel awkward about her then gently back away.

However none of the 3 examples are shouting 'difficult cow!' to me ...

Re the birthday, I wouldn’t have said it was the exception to be honest. There was a large group of maybe 16 or so, half split between men & women. Some were partners, some friends & some family. I personally wouldn’t have invited some partners but not all, it wasn’t a ‘girls night’ or anything like that.

There were other children at the baby shower, she just didn’t want me bringing my newborn to her baby shower.

YABU and in my opinion looking for very loose reasons to cut off the friendship.

She was relieving the pressure in example 2 so you didnt feel guilty about not going, and example 3 didnt want to be a third wheel

@wisdombra your example in your first post doesnt say anything about her not wanting you to bring your baby?

Just that she understands if you cant go because youve just had a baby....?

I don’t read it that way at all. Birthday - other partners were going, her own partner was going, she said no when OP asked if she could bring hers. Friend knew she was heavily pregnant. She grudgingly agreed when OP said she wouldn’t be able to come otherwise.

Baby shower - “I understand if you can’t because of the baby” = “Don’t bring the baby, and don’t come at all if you won’t leave him”. Baby was 6 weeks old and breastfeeding. That’s not a good friend.

National Trust one is a bit different, lots of people would have thought “rats, I don’t really want to deal with your sister”, but most would suck that up for the sake of a good friend, especially as the sister was going there anyway.

You are watching numbers and keeping it to closer friends.

Don't stress about it. You sound like very casual occasional friends.

I agree with PPs that she doesn’t sound that unreasonable.

The birthday party - ok other partners were coming, maybe she knows them better? She did say your partner could come in the end so I’m not really sure why you’re still holding it against her.

The baby shower - I didn’t have a baby shower and have never actually been to one. But I would assume a newborn might slightly take the shine off the expectant mother? Maybe that’s a bit self centred of her, but isn’t that slightly the point of a baby shower? As long as she didn’t guilt you about not going, she can have a baby free event if she wants.

National trust - I don’t really see what she did wrong here. If I’m meeting up with a friend just the two of us, I’d be a bit disappointed if they uninvited someone else who I didn’t really know. I’d probably still go but I can see where she was coming from.

ETA - but don’t invite her if you don’t want to! That’s not unreasonable

Apologies, I didn’t mean elaborate on the full conversation but the baby wasn’t invited. She wanted me to leave her at home with DP

Lots of people wouldn’t like that, me included. If I’ve planned for a fairly relaxed day meeting up with someone I know well I wouldn’t want their sibling joining in too as I’d have to then socialise with someone I didn’t know, the dynamic would be different, plus they would know each other very well.

No 2 - she gave you an out, you took it, and now you're pissy about it? I honestly don't get how you came to the conclusion you did on that one. I wouldn't have wanted to go wothnor without the baby.

No 3.- again, she did nothing wrong. In fact, how do you think you inviting your sister to tag along and then her declining is different to No 1, where you asked to bring DH, she said she'd rather you didn't, but she did in fact relent and say he could come (whereas you just ditched her for your sister).

Yabu.

Fair enough - if she asked you to leave your baby at home that's completely outrageous!

I don't like the sound of her, OP, and I wouldn't invite her to my wedding. I don't think she's a good friend.

I think you were very rude on no. 3.

But you clearly don’t like her much so of course you wouldn’t invite her, and I really think she wouldn’t expect it.

If you haven't figured by the amount of folk saying you have the unreasonable problem then your never going to see it