To not invite this friend to my wedding?

[wisdombra]

I’ll try to keep it short. I have a friend I’ve known of for years, families are friends, my sister is best friends with one of her close female relatives. Point I’m making is that we’re in the same circle, often been at past parties and weddings. We started to socialise one on one a few years ago but grew apart when we both moved away and had babies at the same time although kept in touch over text.

There’s been a few occasions that make me think she doesn’t really value me as a friend as much as I valued her.

• She invited me out for her birthday when I was heavily pregnant, her partner was going, and a few of her other friends were bringing their partners too. I asked if it’d be okay to bring mine as I was travelling a couple of hours by train to attend, it was central London and I live in Kent. She told me she’d rather I didn’t, I thought about it and decided against going, and told her this, mainly because of having to travel back late at night in winter alone. She then backtracked and said I could bring him then.

• She invited me to attend her baby shower when my baby was 6 weeks old. She immediately followed it up with “I understand if you can’t because of the baby” She lives about an hour away by car, longer on the train. I’d just had a C section and baby wasn’t taking a bottle at this point. I wasn’t able to attend as I wasn’t comfortable leaving the baby so soon and for such a long period. I felt as though it was more important to her that my baby wasn’t there than it was for me to be there.

• We agreed to meet at a National Trust type place nearer to her, with both our kids and partners. My other sister also happens to live two minutes away from it and told me she was planning to visit that day too. I told friend that DS was also visiting that day with her DC, would it be okay if she tagged along to the farm and farm shop. Friend flat out said she wouldn’t come if I was planning on seeing my sister there because she doesn’t know her very well and she wouldn’t feel comfortable. I went with my sister in the end.

We still have each other on social media and like eachother’s posts etc but we’ve not spoken since really. I’m getting married soon, I don’t think she’d like to attend to be honest but seeing as some of her family will be in attendance, would it be rude not to invite her?

She didn’t know you wouldn’t be able to attend - she gave you the option. I would have been able to attend a baby-free shower after 6 weeks.

Seems like you’ve taken this personally -
no babies is fine to stipulate.

Reads a bit like you wanted to take the baby to show everyone.

I wish you had put a vote because then you would see that you are being unreasonable.

Any one else's plus one is a minus one for me.

You know the situation better and you aren't getting a good vibe. I think it's okay to invite whomever you want to your wedding. Not inviting feels punitive could end the friendship. If that doesn't bother you, don't invite them, the friendship is done

Invite who you want to your wedding.

But I don't think she's unreasonable in any of the examples you've mentioned.

Re the baby shower, I can understand why she wouldn’t want another person’s newborn there-the shower was about her, and anyone rocking up with a newborn would be the focus of attention. I totally get it. (And I say that not being a fan of baby showers!)

You mentioned that your families are friends. I wondered if you will be inviting other members of her family to the wedding? And if so, what relationship are they to her? I think that determines how rude it looks not to invite her.

Did you have a caesarean, were you breastfeeding with a baby who wouldn't accept a bottle, and what about the event being too far away to get home before next feed was due?

The friend was being remarkably self-centred and thoughtless by refusing to let the OP take her very young, exclusively breastfed baby to this shower.

Which I get, but by this logic, it was more important to not have a baby there ‘stealing the show’ than it was for her friend to attend? I don’t think this particularly shows she valued the friendship very much.

Each to their own but I also had a small baby shower, another friend attended with her 10 week old. She was travelling from a different county and I appreciated the effort she made coming. Yes everyone was cooing over her baby, it’s not as though she took the attention away from mine though.

You sound a bit of a ‘princess’ but you font have to invite anyone you don’t want to your wedding. 👍

No, as i said everyone is different. Lots of people would be fine to attend by 6 weeks as I was. If you can’t make it because of the baby, don’t come, that was the option given and that was what OP did. You don’t need a third option of come along with the baby to show everyone

Princess sounds like a good description of the Op @Boomer55

Sums it up.
Be true to yourself. She’s taking up too much of your headspace.

I think you're overreacting. The NT incident was reasonable on her part: she wanted to see you, but if your sister were there (whom she doesn't know well) she'd be the third wheel.

And her message to you re the baby shower was very thoughtful - you'd just had a baby, she didn't want you to feel awkward about saying you couldn't come, so she pre-empted that by saying "I understand if tyou can't make it". Nothing to do with wanting you but not your baby there!!

Like a few other people I don’t think she’s been unreasonable. But if members of her family are also coming to your wedding and it’ll look bad if she’s not there, then invite her but just slow fade or whatever afterwards as it seems that’s what you want to do. I agree with pp though, it seems as though she does like you, but for whatever reason you either don’t like her or are determined to pick holes in whatever she’s invited you to to justify this to yourself.

Reading more, it seems as if you want to deliberately make a point of not inviting her - not very nice, OP, and I doubt her family will think much of it either.

I agree with virtually everyone.

You clearly don't like her much, so are absolutely fine not to invite her to your wedding.
Most B&Gs have to limit their lists of people due to costs, space, etc, and this is clearly someone you aren't feeling much love for at the moment, so YANBU to not invite her.

That said, none of the supposedly bad things she has done, that you listed in your OP, sound like any issue to me. It sounds like you are hunting high and low to find 'a reason' not to invite her, but if that is the worst you can come up with, then none of them are reasons to break up with a friend or not invite her to your wedding if you had space / budget and wanted her there. they really are none reasons. Your friend hasn't done anything wrong here.

I think it sounds more your issue than hers in all 3 examples tbh. You don’t have to continue a friendship with anyone if you don’t want to but it sounds like you’re looking for excuses to me.

I think it would be very unkind to leave her out and have her hear about it from other family members given she's done absolutely nothing wrong.

You can invite who you like but if some of her family are being invited as you say in your OP, it will look really pointed if she isn't.

Just sounds like you don’t live close enough to be friends because it makes things too hard.

Oh yes, true. I think it read these like you did.

i don’t like a meeting being gate crashed by a third party but equally it was a bit odd of her to drop out.

id say it sounds like you’re not that keen to continue the friendship now life has changed. If that’s the case, don’t invite her. However, if you’d feel sad about the friendship ending, then invite her!

Oh yes, I forgot about the same circles thing. Perhaps just invite her but keep it boundaried in your head…you’re doing it to keep life easier going forwards and to spare hurting her feelings. I don’t think she’d accept anyway….

Story 1 sounds like she didn’t want someone she didn’t know there but changed her mind when you explained so all fine
story 2 I understand she didn’t want you and your newborn taking the attention but a little mean.
story 3 I hate it when people drop others in to the mix so I’d be irritated too

Are you doing evening guests? Is she married. Did you go if yes?

I'm kind of surprised she still wants to be friends with you! Nothing she's done has been unreasonable, but you were with the National Trust suggestion.

I think expecting to bring a newborn to someone else's baby shower was a bit ott on your part. I understand that you wanted to show your baby off but it really wasn't the day for that. I don't think it sounds like she has done a lot wrong to be honest but you don't sound like you like her very much so I'd not invite her and just let that be the end of the friendship