To think some “independent” people are actually just afraid no one will show up for them?

[HyperIndependenceHurt]

Hyper-independence is often just unprocessed disappointment.

Yes, this is much closer to the distinction I was trying to make. I don’t think hyper-independence is inherently “bad” or weak at all, it can absolutely make people highly capable and resilient. I just think sometimes the trade-off can be difficulty with trust, vulnerability or allowing emotional dependence/intimacy.

It feels to me like you are trying to deconstruct a narrative of strength and reimagine it through the lens of victimhood. And I can't understand the motive for that.

Either people are right, that they have no-one to depend on, and it's better to make the best of it or they have untapped avenues of support that they don't utilise, fair enough.

More like they know they won't show up from past experience. Independent people don't typically waste their time waiting on others for results.

I'm independent too. I finally let my guard down and asked for help from a friend. Needless to say they let me down 24 hours before the event I asked them to help, this started a domino event that caused me a large bill. Changed how I viewed them.

Same, except I wasn’t my brother.

I do see it as a good thing now, and my brother is still a helpless idiot. I’d prefer independence 👍

I’m disabled.

i got told off once by my boss for not asking for help.

out of interest (I was pretty sure I knew what would happen) the next time the fire alarm went off and the lift stopped working I asked pretty much every adult on their way back into the building if they would help me,

I asked over 40 adults before one stopped to help,

I have been physically disabled over 14 years now. If there is one thing it teaches you it’s that people who will help you are incredibly rare.

and yes, that applies to friends to.

couldn’t see most of mine for dust after my accident.

Haven’t read all posts but yes, my independence comes from being disappointed and/or for feeling like I don’t have a right to ask for help and/or that what I need doesn’t warrant help.

I suppose I’m used to it but I do find it tiring. As I’ve got older I really wish just someone totally had my back.

I have found myself reading up on this quite a lot recently and am about to start therapy and I think it will factor in it a lot.

I don't think it is true to say that independent people are afraid that no one will show up but I do believe that there are circumstances where a person becomes independent because there wasn't any one showing up and that is a subtly but crucial difference.

I am one of 3 and started parenting my mother when I was 7, we were latch key kids with absent parents and brought one another up.

There are children that learnt independence whilst their parents provided a safe environment for them to learn and hone their skills and those that have to figure out those skills on the fly because there was no other option. For example studying: it's the difference between parents providing a study space and routine that you come home, have a snack and do your homework Vs a child that has to rummage through the garage to find a sheet of MDF to use on their bed as a make shift bed and knows they have to get their homework done as soon as they get home from school as at 4 they need to start dinner for the family and then do the washing up and cleaning the kitchen. Both situations breed independent and resourceful adults but one in a more healthy situation than the other.

I am independent, I am resourceful these are strengths I struggle to look after my needs and will helps others at detriment to my health and wellbeing and find it difficult to ask for help. These are not strengths for me are symptomatic of the way I had to become independent

Im sure there are some people that's true for, yes.

It's usually not "no longer feels" as it quite often starts in childhood. Being praised as a little child for not bothering my parents when I was ill in the night , get up vomit, clean yourself up and go back to bed- being one of mine.

🤔 interesting ive never really thought too deeply about my independence, but yes i don’t like to rely on other people emotionally or otherwise, its how i was brought up i suppose rather than me being too scared to rely on people, i can ask for help and i would definitely get help from family and friends no problem but i don’t because i don’t feel the need to? If something goes wrong i am capable of sorting it myself.

The other thing that I have struggled with as an adult is my relationship with my mother.

It suited her for me to be very independent as a child but it was only when I was 18 when I had managed to get myself psychiatric treatment for my depression and eating disorder that she realised that I didn't need her anymore. She flipped and became smothering she takes offence when I do things on my own that she could have helped me with. It has gotten easier as I have gotten older for me to find practical things she can help with but she is not and will never be a person I can show my vulnerable side too.

I can resonate, all I’ve ever experienced is broken promises from people who have said they will help me do things in the home that have never materialised. I have poor mental health, annd numerous other shit, work ft barely over nmw it’s such a struggle. It’s not a case of necessarily being independent it’s as a single woman living alone you just give up asking and being disappointed and let down in the end.

Like many of the PP upthread I have learned that I can only really rely upon myself. I was a child in the late 40s and 50s when kids were chased out to play in all weathers. We learned to organize our time and to amuse ourselves for hours on end. I was taking myself across the city by bus and tram from age 10. Neighbourhood children played in groups with the older ones organizing the games and looking after the younger ones. Thats just how it was. When I began work at 16 my parents took no particular interest in me so long as I contributed my "rent" money every month. Ive always been a self starter and a good organizer. I neither want or need a man to support me.

Well I can’t count on anyone else. Buck stops with me. My DH died when my kids were small and other than a cousin or two my siblings live in another country and rely on me to be the sensible sorter outer.

I have learnt not to rely on others if at all possible and to rarely ask for help unless absolutely unavoidable. Even people who I though were 'best' friends have not 'showed up' at important times in my life when I had done so for them. There have been times when I've asked a friend for a small favour and been made to feel like the biggest cheeky fucker ever. I think it goes deeper also. For me it's being bullied as a teen, not physically but lots of mocking, belittling and piss taking. I learnt the only person I could trust was myself, not to be vulnerable in front of people if you can avoid it. Don't be dependant on others if you can avoid it. I was 12/13 year old when I figured this out and not much has changed in terms of people's behaviour in the 30 years since.

So what? Everyone does what they do to survive with their MH intact. Why disparage in this way?! What is to be gained from it?

Same.

I don't think it needs couched in terms along the lines of "psychological safety". This just reminds me of what appears to be a recent tendency to over analyse and pathologise every single aspect of human behaviour, when in reality it's often nowhere near this complex. I think this is common in people immersed in "therapy" culture, because they seem to adopt a belief that everything everyone does is somehow a reaction to their own personal history, with a particular slant toward it being about mental health or being a "defence mechanism", when there's no reason why it need be any such thing.

I am hyper-independent, the reasons are simple. Firstly, I don't really enjoy the company of other people so I want to limit how much I have interactions with them. I also want to limit how much people think they can demand of me, because frankly, I'm not interested in that sort of relationship. Secondly, when I have been in that sort of relationship with people in the past, I've found that people, being human, are unreliable and unpredictable, so it's simply a pragmatic choice on my part not to put myself in the position of expecting to either be able to predict, or rely upon, the behaviour of others.

This is all it is. It's a simple case of expediency and pragmatism.

If I was being more cynical about it, I would also mention that from my perspective, other people do not have or offer anything I want, so I have no reason to involve myself with them, but that is really philistine and I appreciate that most people don't feel this way.

I'm hyper independent. I have indeed discovered that it isn't safe to trust others, because they will invariably let me down.

However, I wouldn't say I feel sad about it. Quite the opposite. I'm actually relieved that I no longer have to try to open myself to others or to try to trust them. It makes my life so much happier and easier.

And I'm sure that some readers will think this is a cover for sadness. It definitely isn't! I am an introvert by nature and spent a long time trying to fit my square peg personality into a round hole and now I've accepted this is who I am it has been like having a huge weight taken off my shoulders.

Yes. I've learned I'm the only person I can rely on. If I have a problem the very last thing I need is someone else's drama on top.

Yep this is me. I learnt young in life not to rely on anyone else for anything important because they will only let you down.

Another hyper-independent person here. No great drama to it, I just prefer it that way. I have good friends whom I have helped and I am sure would help me in return, but I just rarely need helping. Quicker and easier for the most part to crack on with things myself.

Well yes, it's quite obvious really. I never had any adult I could really rely on in childhood so I now rely on myself.

I am not sure what your point is though? all of us are shaped by our childhoods so I dont see why this would be any different to anything else

I agree.

im independent because i felt i needed to be to survive.

im still independent but im learning that there are people who will show up - but I think the independence means I have good friendships because I’m not needy iyswim?