To think some “independent” people are actually just afraid no one will show up for them?

[HyperIndependenceHurt]

Hyper-independence is often just unprocessed disappointment.

Very true. And we are animals.
I liken it to when an animal is injured.
Some animals need to be surrounded by the pack who tend to the injured one while they recover.
Other animals when injured, retreat alone to their lair and lie low until they feel ready to emerge and continue with life.

I think it probably is somewhat subjective.
But to me the distinction is more whether the independence comes from genuine self-confidence/capability or an inability to feel safe relying on others at all. Healthy independence still leaves room for trust, vulnerability, interdependence, asking for help, emotional closeness etc.Whereas hyper-independence can sometimes feel more like “I must never need anyone because needing people feels unsafe.”

I’m very independent (emotionally, financially) and it’s not because people don’t show up for me. I actually think it’s wise to be independent. I’m resilient, can cope easily with life and if I need help, I ask for it and get it. I don’t need anyone to validate me.

I don't know which category I'm in. I bought my own house at 25 (40 years ago when it was a bit unusual for women on their own ha ha). I've lived on my own ever since and love it. I have a partner of over 30years and we don't live together, it's the recipe for a great relationship - IMV anyway!

Of course I would say I'm fiercly independent, but I occasionally need support/help/assistance etc. and I accept it gratefully.

I don't think it's always about feeling unsafe to try and rely on anyone else.

Some people genuinely do not have anyone to even try and rely on for the tiniest thing, so they don't have any other option that hyper independence.

Not sure why you would post such an unkind comment

I think you are being way too quick to pathologise independence.

Not everyone who prefers relying on themselves is traumatised, emotionally avoidant, or secretly struggling to trust people. Some people are just genuinely self-sufficient, capable, private, or more comfortable handling things on their own. That’s a massive strength in my eyes.

A person can value autonomy very highly, prefer solving their own problems, and still be emotionally healthy, connected, and secure in themselves. Independence doesn’t equal a trauma response.

I'm not sure what the point of your thread is.

Is it just a dig at those of us who don't have many or any friends or family to rely on generally or in a crisis?

Interesting thread. Starts off with sneery responses then thread is filled with people saying, ‘yes, that’s me!’

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I am not sure they are "afraid" no one will show up for them.

Maybe they are just happy/accepting of that situation and have learnt to deal with it.

Relying on other people can lead to disappointment.

I mean, I am relying on a business to perform a service for me at the moment. They have done basically nothing in three months and I don't think they are going to do anything.

Would I prefer to not have to rely on them and do the stuff myself ? You're god damned right I would. The only reason I am still trying is because I can't.

What are the downsides then of being hyper independent? Your post seems to suggest it’s a potentially negative thing rather than being neutral or positive.

And as a PP said, how do you differentiate between independence and hyper independence?

No, not at all. I’m not criticising people for lacking support systems or having to rely on themselves. I’m talking more about the psychology of hyper-independence specifically - where needing/relying on others starts to feel emotionally unsafe in itself, often because of repeated disappointment or letdowns.

I’d argue that depending on other people ISN’T psychologically safe. I am extremely independent and I view it as a positive. It means I’m very resilient and reliable.

I agree OP. In my case I go out of my way to help people but I'm often alone when I need help I used to ask and got nothing back so I stopped. I see this in a few of my friends.

I thought about having a go at the op then figured why bother? It's not my fault I was failed miserably by my parents and now as an adult bear the scars of that. Childhood abuse significantly rewires your brain as a child and I'm not going to be ashamed of that. I'm prefectly happy as an adult and the coping mechanisms I developed helped me through what I needed it to. If the OP wants to sneer at that I really don't care.

I don't think it's about external validation as it's not seeking praise or asking other to confirm how good you are.

It's more about having the confidence to reach out to say you are stuggling and have some expecation of support or that someone will hear and care.

I think you can be very independent and still have some feeling of people having your back when you need it.

I think the downside is that extreme self-reliance can sometimes make it difficult to trust people, ask for help, receive care or support, be vulnerable or build health interdependence emotionally. So from the outside it can look like strength/capability (and sometimes it is) but internally it can also come from “I cannot afford to need anyone”, which can become quite isolating long-term.

Probably right in a lot of cases - there are different kinds of independence, thought. I'm financially independent because I'm numerate, responsible and a feminist. I'm more broadly independent (to the point of being stubborn) because of exactly the reason your're proposing 😂

No ones coming to save me or get me out of a scrape (literally or emotionally) - no one has ever been that reliable. Sometimes it is probably self-fulfilling. Everyone just assumes you'll just handle a disaster with ease even if it would be nice to have a hand with things sometimes

Yep. And?

That’s literally the point I was making

Possibly…

But you’re making it sound more negative than it is. Dependence on other people is often very limiting. People who feel they can’t do anything without their spouse live pretty miserable lives. I know thats an extreme situation but being independent is incredibly freeing.

I think you have overlooked one major category of independent people: those who find dependence on others draining and stifling and who don’t feel able to be their best selves while they are yoked to someone else. I think a lot of people (to some extent I am in this category) find relationships and families very stifling. Being committed to one other person for life is not for everyone and that’s OK.

Are you one of these people? If so you can only speak for yourself. It's not up to you to ascribe hyperindependance or the psychology behind it to others.

I’m obviously not claiming authority over every independent person’s inner psychology. I’m talking about a pattern/dynamic I think can sometimes exist, which is why I said “some” people in the title, not all.

Surprised at the tetchy reactions, seems a non-controversial theory?

My hyper independence has undoubtedly helped me and others.

But I also I know that my life would be better in other ways if had the skill of asking for help (accepting that other people may not be as reliable as me).

Also would be nice to have trust and emotional intimacy in friendships and that takes vulnerability.