To think some “independent” people are actually just afraid no one will show up for them?

[HyperIndependenceHurt]

Hyper-independence is often just unprocessed disappointment.

I’m sorry you feel that way. Why do you feel nobody sticks up for you or supports you?

What point are you trying to make exactly?

In my case yes

Or maybe they just have a robust sense of self esteem that means they don’t have the constant desire for external validation that current social media culture seems to encourage?

This is definitely me. I'm independent because I've never had anyone I can truly depend on, including my parents.

And how would it help them to reframe everything back to sadness? They want to be independent and think of it that way, that’s personalised CBT! Good for them.

Absolutely. All life has shown me is that the only person I can truly depend on is myself.

Me too.

Hey ho, it's not bad way to live overall, I am VERY reliable.

Yeah, me too unless I’m drunk. And then I very much don’t depend on myself 🤣

Possibly because they don't?

I don’t think all independence is unhealthy at all. I’m talking more about hyper-independence specifically, where someone feels unable to rely on others emotionally at all because depending on people no longer feels psychologically safe.

I’m independent because I have to be.
My husband died and my sons live thousands of miles away.
it would be lovely to have a choice but I don’t so I get on with it. There IS no-one to show up for me and that’s fine.

I’d have to agree with you, mine is at least. I’m fiercely independent and have been since a young age, 100% a defensive mechanism as my parents didn’t have a huge interest in me as I wasn’t my sister

Yes.

Often based on past experience of no-one showing up - or got told endlessly in childhood teen years they were independent so got slowly taught not to ask for help.

I don’t think recognising where certain coping mechanisms come from automatically “reframes everything back to sadness.” People can become highly capable/self-sufficient in adaptive ways. I just think sometimes hyper-independence specifically can develop from repeated disappointment or learning that vulnerability/dependence doesn’t feel safe.

Well yeah, that's what hyper-independence is.

Snap. It works for me. Like someone else said I'm very reliable. It's not something that consumes my thoughts, it's just how I am an I'm fine with that.

Yes in my case it is due to childhood neglect, being left in charge of a chronically ill sibling made me mature and independent but also naive and vulnerable in other ways. I was made to work from an early age and transported myself all over the place.
I still struggle to ask for help now. I’ve had very neglectful partners so have never felt helped by anyone. Makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable when people try to help me.

I agree.
I didn't used to feel able to rely on anyone as people are a disappointment. Nowadays, with years of reliability I do trust my partner but theyre about the only person. Whereas me, well, I'm always here!

Yes I think you are right. There are two unhealthy extremes hyper independence and co dependency.

I’m independent because there wasn’t anyone to depend on however I now have a DH I can depend on and children who depend on us. I want them to have that healthy inter dependence DH and I didn’t get.

Yes deffo me

It’s comfy to generalise but in fact peoples levels of independence comes in all shapes and sizes. Think about the cats you know, some follow you from room to room waiting for a lap opportunity and others are out all the time surveying their territory. Same with people.

having reliable support can support independence, disappointment can make a person clingy, and all possible responses can occur.

So where is the line between independence and hyper-independence and surely it's subjective anyway?

Yes, that's me. Would never think to ask for help, because I learned young that support isn't freely given. It's sad in some ways, but it has made me resilient too.

Frequently but not always

Boarders especially female are like this based on the one's I know