4th baby at 40

[Kiddiesmama]

AIBU to want to have one last baby. I have 3 and absolutely love being a mum and can’t get enough of my kids 😅 My youngest is still very little so I wouldn’t be able to try for another until I’m around 40. Am I risking too much? I’m thinking potential disabilities of the baby and it would also be my 4th section. Plus the risk of multiples which I know goes up with age.

Are you buying new bags for each of your children for each academic year, @notcomfortable? I've always thought we've been quite lucky with the uniform costs. My DM would pull her hair out having to go to uniform shops but now the basics can just be thrown into the shopping basket at the supermarket.

Anyway, yes, kids are expensive. And I can definitely confirm that putting them all through uni is no joke, especially as there are fewer jobs in the hospitality industry that they can pick up and keep them afloat while studying.

It is not up to us. It’s on you and your husband. How old are your kids? I wanted a third. I’d dream of it. I didn’t have that baby and there’s zero regrets, gratitude in fact! Like people have said it doesn’t get financially, emotionally or physically easier as kids get older, quite the opposite. So if you have a tonne of capacity in these areas, go for it

Personally it would be a no for me. 40 is my hard stop limit. 2 years left for me though to get to that point.

I haven't had sections but struggled with pregnancy with my youngest at only 33 and half years (after 1.5 years of losses). If I add 3 section on top of that....100% I wouldn't.

Another factor for us is we don't want children at home or going through university when we are retiring. Although you can't guarantee an age they will move out, my DH turned 40 this year and if we had another they would still be in uni when he is retirement age.

Someone also recently reminded me (as they have had another baby) that at 40 its likely if you have a girl you will be going through menopause the same time they are going through puberty! That would not be fun.

But everyone is different. What people are willing to risk or consider differs from person to person.

if I had unlimited funds then this wouldn’t even be a question- I would be ok taking the other risks. I think my main thing is splitting resources between 4 vs 3.

We have four, and I say, don’t do it.

They were fab when they were younger, and I loved taking my little gang out places etc, but now we have teenagers and preteens, throw in adhd and the cost of living crisis and….my partner wants to jump off a bridge and he’s only half joking.

Would you say it would be much different if you had 3 though? Hopefully things will improve again for you when they’re out of the teenage years.

@Kiddiesmama what about splitting time between 4 and that includes your DH splitting his time?

We know a family that has 5 children. The eldest 2 feel ignored as more time spent with younger 3. Eldest wants to go to university but is probably going to decide against going as would getter lower maintenance loan and even with part-time job would need some financial help from parents (as expected by Government). He thinks his parents wouldn’t be able to afford to give that financial help to all 5 so not fair to give it to him, so not able to follow his dream.

Oh yes, it definitely would. Our youngest is adorable but hard work at 8 years old (potential diagnosis in his future, too) and we are so, so tired! I obviously wouldn’t ever say I wish I hadn’t had him, as he’s here and amazing and we adore him, but it would have been so much easier if we’d stopped at 3.

I have a friend who had her 4th at 39. Her kids are now 17, 14, 12 and 6.

I was chatting to her recently about things and she told me that her food bill has risen a lot in the past few years. She has 3 teen boys and they are always hungry.
She said as well since they went into secondary school the cost of uniforms, sports gear, lunches ect not to mention the cost of regular replacements as they are growing out of trousers, shoes and runners is high.
Then at times she could have 2 or 3 kids needing to be 2 or 3 different places at the same time and these place could be anywhere from 5 to 20 miles away from her home.
She sometimes takes turns with other parents getting kids to sports ect.

She said as well that as her kids have gotten older than they needed more help or own time just with her or her husband due to different things and at times she found this hard. She said that brining up teenagers now is far harder now because of the internet, online bullying and her kids are seeing other kids with plenty of money and no rules and they want the same.

It easier when your kids are small but the expenses go up a lot when they hit secondary school and the university stage is very expensive. I have several friends with kids in university and they have good incomes. They have told me the cost of rent not to mention the other bills. Most of there kids have a PT Saturday job but these are getting harder to find.

I think you need to consider it not just what you want but what's best for you and the children you already have. If you have a 4th child at 40 what age will your partner be? What happens if your next child has special needs? Not not all special needs conditions show up on scans. I know several parents whose kids have autism and other conditions and they have ended up either giving up work, working less hours or not been able to work due to a child's high care needs.

Then if you already have had 3 c sections your putting more your body through a lot at 40 having another one and this could lead to complications that will effect you long term. One poster here ended up with long term bladder damage.
Your also need to consider your own health long term because you already have 3 kids and you need to look after yourself so you are able to care for them.

In your situation I would stick with 3 kids and work towards giving them the best life possible.

No of course not, but my oldest will be going into high school so will need a bigger bag
My youngest will start school so she will need a new one
My middle child has ripped her school bag so that's another new one
I wouldn't do it every year definitely not, but just saying that even small things like that definitely add up

I just wondered if that was a bit of a back to school ritual thing, like the new Christmas pjs! Not just a conflation of events, which makes more sense.

This is a great response. My four are very similar ages to your friend’s four. Agree with all of it, particularly the mum and dad taxi thing; we really want to make sure our children don’t miss out because of having so many siblings, so they do activities (expensive) and need picking up from here, there and everywhere (expensive and a logistical nightmare).

Do you regret having 4? Or would you, with hindsight, have made the same decision despite the challenges?

Have you read my first post? Haha. Yes, I can categorically say I don’t think we should have had four. I hope that doesn’t make me a terrible person because I truly love each one of them (off to give my youngest a cuddle!)

Ah yeah, I see your reply above now. Definitely not a terrible person! Thanks for sharing your perspective.

Well looks like the majority voted IABU which I expected tbh! I’m still so torn, will have to give it some more thought in the coming months.

I suppose it depends on what you both want OP? Do you have 3 of one gender and hope for the opposite? Or want to balance things out? We had 4 as I felt number 3 was completely left out.
1& 2 are really close. 3& 4 are best buddies too so it worked out well for us 🥰 It is exhausting but I love our little family. I grew up as an only child and craved a bigger family so it could be psychological too.

All this... except I had the fourth at 40 ! I just love babies and small kids but everything people say about the expense of teenagers is completely true and mine are a great team but you are pulled every way. Some of this is hormones....i would try to ignore them.

Do you have room? Can you afford it? Is your DH on board? Are you in good health?

If yes then why not? I had a child at 40 and it was a doddle.

You might be okay financially now but realistically you are a single earner household. You would be screwed adding yet another child in if something happened with your DH job, unless you are very well off eg own a big enough house outright, own cars outright etc. It will only delay you getting back to any form of work & make it harder for you to work for years due to childcare costs etc.

Don't do it. Its your hormones talking.

Also Mum of 4 here, although I finished long before 40. There are so many lovely parts of it that it's worthwhile, but it is hard. I think people think it gets easier as they get older, but trying to make sure that they can all have their own hobbies and sports, friends etc and needing to be in 3 or 4 places at once is really challenging at times, feel a bit guilty if I cant be there for something because I'm taking another child to something as well.

No I have a mix of gendes although I would love the same gender for my child who doesn’t have a same gender buddy😄 i just love having and raising kids, no specific reason