4th baby at 40

[Kiddiesmama]

AIBU to want to have one last baby. I have 3 and absolutely love being a mum and can’t get enough of my kids 😅 My youngest is still very little so I wouldn’t be able to try for another until I’m around 40. Am I risking too much? I’m thinking potential disabilities of the baby and it would also be my 4th section. Plus the risk of multiples which I know goes up with age.

Felt like I had to add my experience when I read all the comments. I’m a mum to 4 children (3 of whom are now adults). They were all very much planned and are loved dearly, but if I could have my time again I definitely would not have 4. However, my experience may be what’s changed my view, but you never know what’s going to happen in the future so it’s always best to take everything into account.
My husband and I were together from the age of 16, together for nearly 10 years before getting married and having our 1st baby. Then had 3 more each 2 years apart. Loved life until one day, out of the blue, my DH decided he didn’t want to be with me anymore and walked out of the door. Suddenly being a single mum to 10, 8, 6 and 4 year olds was difficult beyond words. 2 of whom are now diagnosed with ASD and ADHD, and another with anxiety, depression and multiple suicide attempts. Navigating all of this on my own has been at times near impossible. On top of it all we had to leave our wonderful home as we couldn’t afford to stay and I have to work full time just to make ends meet.
Ex-husband was very much a ‘Disney dad’ from the day he left. Only over saw the children for a couple of hours every other weekend and now has no relationship at all with the older 2. He was always a hands on dad who loved his kids until he left. As soon as he went he was unrecognisable!
As I said, my view is now very biased but I am going to be caring for 2 of my children for life and I feel that the other 2 have really suffered because of their sibling’s disabilities.

Sorry to hear all this. It’s a good point. People are definitely more vulnerable with more kids if something like this happens. No one ever knows what is round the corner.

I’m sorry to hear your ex changed so much. Sincerely hope he didn’t have a second family after abandoning you. What a horrible thing to happen to you when you had spent a decade together before kids and been together since teens x

There's a couple at my children's primary school I saw in assembly last week with their 11th baby. They have teenagers and adult children. Think the eldest is 21 and youngest is 6 months old. The couple are both in their early 40s.

I wouldn’t have more DC than I could cope with (including financially) on my own

I had my 4th at 40 and there is only 15 months between numbers 3 and 4 and both c sections. Chaotic first couple of years but 1 and 2 were much older. They are now 30, 25, 19 and 17 (nearly 18). First section was emergency and I was quite poorly so had the 2nd elective which was a much better experience

Go for it. 40 is not too old to complete your family. Sounds like you have time and love to give.

Its your own decision, if you can afford it and it’s what you want then go for it !
I had my third child the week after my 44th birthday 🥰 Zero regrets.

I’d wait until your current baby is at least 2 though. I think it’s a bit harsh otherwise

Do you have a 5 bedroom house? If not, will you expect a child who isn't previously sharing to share?

Tbh you've had 3 sections, doesn't sound like you have enough financial resources to not impact the other kids, you're not even working and you'll be 40. It sounds like an incredibly selfish decision.

ETA: I also feel sorry for your 3rd that at 6 months in they're still not enough for you.

I had an unplanned 4th baby at 42. Im glad I had him but it's very hard. I wish I'd had him sooner (all of my kids in fact. They span 20 years from oldest to youngest)

I always wanted 3 but didn’t and I’m glad now I didn’t have one more. Both of mine have activities that involve ferrying them around a lot, both have friends they want to have over for sleepovers. I’ve changed, I work more hours, I’ve had health problems. I’m mid 40s.
i loved them being young children but you need to imagine life with them all as older children then teenagers first before you decide.

So rude. I've never seen anyone with an only and considering a second if they weren't content with their current child, complete with a sad face and finger wagging like this. Wind your neck in.

The other thing I’d add is that one of mine was the easiest baby, toddler, child but as soon as secondary hit she struggled emotionally. Working full time, the house, my children’s commitments and being there emotionally for my child has been a struggle.

Do you speak to people in real life like that 🤣 because if you do I expect you've had a few hard slaps

Everyone here has very valid points, it’s definitely more heart over head decision. I so wanted to feel done after 3 but it’s almost because I know this is my last chance to add to the family, I’m really questioning it now.

I think people should have as few children as they can, honestly. The world is going to shit.

So would number 4 make you feel done or would you not want number 4 to be the last

At 40 hormones can play a part too, with your body saying this could be your last chance. Doesn’t mean you should act on it

And what do you think will happen in a global fertility crisis in which rich economies battle to rob all the skilled labour out of poor economies, while the tax burden on workers will be crushing and we are so busy spinning the wheels that we lose important progress in health and science, which is what we need to get out of this engineered pit? @TeaPot496

Wow judgmental and quite nasty.

Expecting children to share isn't a hardship - its often a choice for company for the child.

The adoring love of a person with one child and the desire for a second are not mutually exclusive.

The OP has a capacity for care and love you willl never understand clearly.

I'm ten years younger than you OP, I have 4. Oldest is almost 12, youngest is 4. In all honesty, I wish I could go back in time and not have as many. I have never felt so stretched thin in my life. Between working 45 hours a week and coming home and trying to catch up with their school day and home work and projects that need done, I feel like I am failing in both my career and my parenting. It is so fucking hard. We also haven't ever been able to afford a holiday abroad, which makes me feel guilty as my oldest talks about the amazing holidays his friends go on (only children)
I've spent around £350 on school uniform for the new school year in August and thats not even their shoes and bags. Its really expensive. I personally wouldn't do it

I have also had 3 c sections and recovered well but now my body is a mess. My knees ache and my back if I sleep the wrong way 😂 I couldn't handle another pregnancy

No one else is going to live your life.

The scare mongering and negativity on here is not statistically based.

You have a track record of successful pregnancies with healthy children with the capacity to care for them. That will likely be the outcome with the fourth.

People who can't concieve of having more than one or two will not be speaking from a place of experience- rather fear.

@ChildrenAreTheFuture and what about the posters who have had more children who have said don’t do it

I have more than 2 kids. We can afford to buy new easily but bought from the pre-loved sale at the school and buy things on vinted.

Thats not about affordabilty - its often not worth buying things brand new when there is such an abundance available for a fraction of the cost.

Yes I agree - they have valid points. But that is confirmation bias. If bad things happen then they would want to say don't do it.

But again statistically unlikely to happen to OP. Useful for her to consider but unlikely.

A mother being left with 3 ot 4 or 5 is a lot. Heck some Mums on here struggle being left with one child. A husband leaving is a husband leaving. 3 to 4 is much of a muchness.