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AIBU?

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AIBU to struggle with my husband changing religion after 20 years?

100 replies

help1972 · 25/05/2026 09:22

hello, i have posted about this before been married 20 years and now my husband who was raised christian wants to change his religtion, he started the process while i hve been ill and now is making food from that religtion, i am finding it too much to cope with and he says he does not see what the problem i am not overtly religious but when i ask why? he says he gets satisfaction and purpose.. i feel its a narcisst trait and just want to shout at him

OP posts:
justanotherpassword · 25/05/2026 11:18

LittlestBoho · 25/05/2026 11:15

Of all religions for a bad husband to convert to, Judaism is probably the 'best', because he wont be able to force you or your kids into it / bully you into wearing a headscarf / be baptised in a river etc.

If he wants to convert he, and he alone, can just go and do it. Conversion to Judaism is difficult and Jews don't encourage people to convert; it's a completely personal choice and includes years of lessons. Your children won't be Jewish (unless they choose to convert as adults and go through the whole difficult process themselves). He can't force a Jewish lifestyle on the rest of his family; Judaism doesn't work like that.

You don't like your husband - you say he has cheated before - this religion change might be a gift for you. You can divorce him with an easy 'excuse'.

You know some Jewish women shave their heads and wear wigs right?

Lavender14 · 25/05/2026 11:19

I think op religion is a deeply personal and individual thing. If he had talked to you about it in advance how do you think you'd really have responded? Would you have taken him seriously or told him to wise up and forget about it? So in that respect I don't think making this decision for himself is inherently narcissistic. But I'm guessing he has other form for this which is why you're recognising this as part of that trait.

I think you need to sit down with him without the kids and when you both have time to talk without interruptions and you need to come with a list of prepared questions to understand his expectations and boundaries with this and to state your own expectations and boundaries. Then you can see if you can make it work or not.

For example you say you asked if he'll still observe Xmas with you and the kids- what did he say about that?

I'd want to know how much he's expecting you and the kids to participate in this, where the interest initially came out of, and how far he's wanting to take this.

There's a snowballs chance in hell that I'd be taking my kids to Israel in the near future as interesting as it would be to visit.

I think a lot will depend on how far he's prepared to take things, Judaism is a lifestyle really if you're practicing devoutly although not all Jewish people do just as some Christians are more strict/ devout than others. So until you get a clear picture of what he's expecting and where this is actually coming from you're kind of in the dark.

Once you have the facts you'll be able to make an informed decision on whether or not you can make it work, but the fact he really is ignoring the impact such a change would have on the family if he's expecting you all to observe elements of the faith does not bode well.

The key to making this work will require you both to be respectful and understanding of the need for everyone to compromise and good communication going forward.

99bottlesofkombucha · 25/05/2026 11:21

I would say firmly firstly, I live here and I haven’t been consulted about this, I will cook whatever I want to and think is best for our children in our kitchen. Also, over my cold dead body will you take our children to a war zone. I haven’t converted, nobody will force our children to convert or observe a strange religion, and you need to respect that.

And then you give their passports to a trusted family member to keep.

LittlestBoho · 25/05/2026 11:24

justanotherpassword · 25/05/2026 11:18

You know some Jewish women shave their heads and wear wigs right?

Yes, those women are Orthodox Jews either by birth or by conversion. The OP and her children are neither of those things. Nobody will expect them to wear wigs, keep kosher, or follow any of the other million rules associated with Orthodox Judaism.

KatherineParr · 25/05/2026 11:28

There's not really enough to go on here. Has he actually completed the conversion process or has he just started or is he just expressing an interest? What branch of Judaism has he converted to?

Teainapinkcup · 25/05/2026 11:30

help1972 · 25/05/2026 09:31

thanks that what it feels like he says he does not see what the problem is .. seriously he is wanting to convert to judasim... which is fine... i have no issue with the relgiion but why after 20 years

Why not stay a grafted in Christian? tell him about the messianic jews!

HangryBrickShark · 25/05/2026 11:33

help1972 · 25/05/2026 09:22

hello, i have posted about this before been married 20 years and now my husband who was raised christian wants to change his religtion, he started the process while i hve been ill and now is making food from that religtion, i am finding it too much to cope with and he says he does not see what the problem i am not overtly religious but when i ask why? he says he gets satisfaction and purpose.. i feel its a narcisst trait and just want to shout at him

Well I wouldn't be eating Kosher, let's put it that way. I'd say that he can source and cook his own food.

PinkyFlamingo · 25/05/2026 11:33

I wouldn't be staying with anyone who cheated on me really.

MrsShawnHatosy · 25/05/2026 11:34

Is he converting to Orthodox Judaism or a more liberal kind? If the former that could affect you.

ManyATrueWord · 25/05/2026 11:38

People who haven't had to deal with a narcissist have no idea how crazy they can be, all whilst making you feel like the problem. Narcs desperately need supply and I can well believe converting to a religion is a good way to get it. Converts are oh so special!

So I believe you, @help1972 . Converting properly is a long spiritual process of self examination. This is just more of his usual isn't it?

SerendipityCat · 25/05/2026 11:49

@help1972

Having read a couple of your previous threads about your absolutely bloody awful husband, this latest nonsense certainly looks like yet another narcissistic ploy to destabilise and control you. Frankly, I’d be looking for a way out rather than engaging with yet another of his headfucks.

Jellox · 25/05/2026 11:58

ThatCosy · 25/05/2026 10:25

You can't tell someone what religion to follow. It's between him and his god/God. It's you being narcissistic as it's none of your business.

On the other hand, if hes unfaithful and making arbitrary decisions about family holidays behind your back he's an idiot and I hope I wouldn't stand for that.

I completely agree.

Bringflowersofthefairest · 25/05/2026 12:11

I think it’s a ploy to further control you/the household.
Are you considering leaving OP?
Is that a possible for you if you want to?

MookieCat · 25/05/2026 12:17

It's pretty difficult to convert to Judaism- even the Reform or Progressive branches. My mother did it but she was married to my Jewish father and had been keeping the various laws and attending synagogue for years and brought my siblings and I up as Jewish.

It sounds like there is more going on with the OP and her situation though. But I'd be tempted to let him crack on and see if he loses heart. For a start he needs the support of a rabbi and then teaching in the faith and it can take a very long time.

fabstraction · 25/05/2026 12:37

YANBU to struggle with that. Twenty years into a relationship, you're not expecting a major voluntary change like this. You wouldn't be unreasonable to decide that he's no longer the man you married, if he's trying to impose new 'rules' or making everything in your shared life about his new religion. You don't have to stay married to him, if this is a deal-breaker for you. Or you can take some time to see where it goes, which may be nowhere if he gets bored or finds it's not as easy to convert or as fulfilling as he expected.

I'd have more sympathy with his desire to change his religion at this late date if he'd approached it more gently and thoughtfully—if it had been something you could see coming and gradually try to understand and accept. Instead, it sounds like he just dumped it on you one day with an announcement and no evident respect for how his choice might affect you and the family.

Given that he's cheated on you in the past, I suspect he's just a selfish person who doesn't think or care much about how his actions will affect others. This might be the perfect time to re-examine the relationship. It's possible the change of religion isn't the main problem here. Is he just a shit husband/father for a whole host of reasons?

PicknStick · 25/05/2026 12:39

@help1972 how long ago was his affair? I would be questioning if he’s met someone in that religion hence his keenness to convert. OR he’s doing this to distract from the real issue he’s brought to the relationship.

He would have lost my respect after the affair, and this nonsense of changing religion after 20 years of marriage and out of the blue would end my tolerance of him. He seems to be desperate for attention anyway he can get it. Man baby.

Viviennemary · 25/05/2026 12:40

Of course it matters. If it's a religion not compatible with OP's beliefs and way of life.

help1972 · 25/05/2026 12:41

thanks ... x

OP posts:
PurpleThistle7 · 25/05/2026 13:28

AlexaStopAlexaNo · 25/05/2026 10:51

Nor any sex or touching his wife for approximately half the month during her period and for numerous days afterwards.

only for ultra orthodox and they don’t really do conversions.

JHound · 25/05/2026 13:35

help1972 · 25/05/2026 09:22

hello, i have posted about this before been married 20 years and now my husband who was raised christian wants to change his religtion, he started the process while i hve been ill and now is making food from that religtion, i am finding it too much to cope with and he says he does not see what the problem i am not overtly religious but when i ask why? he says he gets satisfaction and purpose.. i feel its a narcisst trait and just want to shout at him

Is the change in his faith causing you harm or you simply don’t like it? It would not bother me depending on how it impacted me.

But a friend ended her relationship when her husband started to become a lot more observant.

cestlavielife · 25/05/2026 13:40

Forget the religion bit
Just make plans to split.
Ger informed on finances
Pointless trying to work.him.out.
See a solicitor with all your paperwork. See a coun sellor for therapy for you.
You have done your time.
You have half a life left to live for you.
And provide a safe space getaway for your dc....

Ilikesundays · 25/05/2026 16:17

It’s the fact that he didn’t mention it to the OP until it was a fait accompli that’s upset her, not the religion itself. She would presumably feel the same had he told her he’d changed jobs without a prior conversation about it. I wonder if they don’t talk much about anything personal. Couples therapy?

help1972 · 25/05/2026 16:36

he is a man of little words and bottles things up ...

OP posts:
childoftkty · 25/05/2026 17:10

justanotherpassword · 25/05/2026 11:18

You know some Jewish women shave their heads and wear wigs right?

You know it’s one ultra orthodox religious sect who do don’t you and he’s absolutely 100% not converting to that sect don’t you? A the OP is not converting so it’s a non issue and also covering hair is a choice and not all orthodox women cover their hair and those who do 99.99999% have their normal hair underneath

fouroclockrock · 25/05/2026 20:55

coneyislandoldspot · 25/05/2026 09:37

So exactly the same. He believes in the same imaginary man and nothing much has changed.

So rude.

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