AIBU to struggle with my husband changing religion after 20 years?

[help1972]

hello, i have posted about this before been married 20 years and now my husband who was raised christian wants to change his religtion, he started the process while i hve been ill and now is making food from that religtion, i am finding it too much to cope with and he says he does not see what the problem i am not overtly religious but when i ask why? he says he gets satisfaction and purpose.. i feel its a narcisst trait and just want to shout at him

Wtf

I think you’re being quite controlling, especially as it’s coming from a place of mistrust.

If you came on here saying you wanted to change religions, then everyone would be saying that your DH should support you/not have an issue with it.

Obviously if his personality is completely changing then it’s a matter of whether you are both compatible anymore.
But people change and after 20 years you’re both going to be completely different people and it’s common to not be compatible anymore.

He can be whatever religion he wants to be, you cannot stop him or have an issue with it.
But you can choose to separate if you decide you’re just not compatible anymore.

Then that's a problem for him to deal with, the OP doesn't have to go along with it.

It's completely fine for him to convert but he can't insist anyone else does. He can observe Shabbat, he can go to the synagogue and undertake his studies, he can keep kosher in a separate part of the kitchen, he can get himself circumcised. That's all within his gift. But he has to do all the legwork.

He can't make anyone else in the family follow his new beliefs. The OP can keep her existing way of life, she doesn't need to give up pork or prawns or cheeseburgers because he does.

If that's a deal-breaker for him or for the OP, they can split up.

Converting to Judaism takes a long old time to do “properly”. Jews don’t evangelise and don’t think everyone ought to be Jewish. He’ll most likely lose interest before he “becomes Jewish”.

Sudden changes like this are often an indication of, or associated with mental health crises, such as the 'manic' end of bipolar disorder. Brace yourself for other announcements.

Lol

I think it’s inherently selfish of him and something that should have been discussed. Jewish customs are incredibly family orientated. It’s not just the food but actually the precise and customs are very hard on your own. Who wants to have a Shabbat dinner alone, to have a Seder alone? Not to celebrate Rosh hashana with family. It’s not practical. If he wants to go ahead, obviously by all means he should crack on but he needs to recognise it’s not just about god and praying, it’s about customs and community and it’s going to incredibly hard on all of you if he wants to inflict it on you and you and the kids aren’t embracing it. I’m not suggesting you should be the way, I think you’re perfectly reasonable but in your view

It is really not easy to convert to Judaism. It's not a religion that encourages it. To do it properly takes years. Has he contacted a Rabbi? Taking classes? Without that he's not converting no matter what he says.

Christians and Jewish people worship the same God, we just go about it in different ways...

I changed religion while with my now ex-H. I went from Wicca to a rather misunderstood Christian denomination. We got married because of living together, and I really shouldn't have married him. (I lasted four years.) I'm still in my church though.

Does he have a Jewish cultural background or shown a particular interest in Judaism in the past? If not, do you know what triggered this interest, as others have said Judaism is pretty had to convert to and Jews don't evangelise. Converstions typically tend to be triggered by someone marring a partner of Jewish faith, that that is not always the case by any means.

I just want to say I would be doing everything in my power to stop my kids going to Israel - especially now. And he doesn’t even have the background and local knowledge to keep himself and them safe.

Judaic values and Christian values are essentially the same. How do you work out that he’s a narcissist just because he’s decided another faith is more aligned with the way he wishes to worship?

If you already think he is a narcissist then I think that will only get worse. He is certainly not the first person to “find” religion, or a new religion, after being unfaithful or a dick and thinking that will mean he is forgiven and fixed. That he will get happiness and fulfilment that he was missing (but imo that mainly comes from within, if you search outside of yourself you will be searching forever). Either way, telling the kids they’re going to Israel is obviously a stupid thing to do

You can't tell someone what religion to follow. It's between him and his god/God. It's you being narcissistic as it's none of your business.

On the other hand, if hes unfaithful and making arbitrary decisions about family holidays behind your back he's an idiot and I hope I wouldn't stand for that.

People with new hobbies and interests want to talk about them all of the time. It can get old.

I hope he's going to do all the meal planning & cooking.
It's a real pain separating milk & meat when you've not been brought up with it.

No more milky coffee with a bacon sarnie for breakfast.

The children won’t be Jewish even if their father does convert, as Judaism passed through the mother. They’d have to convert of their own accord.

Though yes, certainly don’t allow them to be taken to Israel (and I’d also be watching what other influences they might be being exposed to)

No bacon sarnies full stop!

Nor any sex or touching his wife for approximately half the month during her period and for numerous days afterwards.

Conversion to Judaism for superficial reasons is unusual; Jewish religious law (Halakha) makes a lot of allowances for non-Jews but is very strict about what Jews (born or converted) are expected and permitted to do. If he lacks practical reasons for a conversion (e.g., wanting to marry a Jew, wanting to move to Israel and be granted automatic right to remain, etc.) then I'd guess he genuinely feels a strong pull and commitment to the faith. Conversion is also a LOT of hard work. A decent Rabbi will weed out the narcissists and not allow/facilitate a non-genuine conversion.

Have you asked him to explain exactly what drove him to make this change, why he chose Judaism specifically, and how he sees his new practices working in an otherwise "Christian" household? If he's involving the children, that should have been resolved with you first. It's going to be confusing if they're young, and they should be getting the same explanations from both parents. And of course he shouldn't promise them a trip to Israel without your agreement!

If aspects of his conversion are negatively impacting you, it's reasonable to be upset about it and even to reconsider the relationship if the two of you aren't able to compromise. If the relationship was bad anyway and the trust was NOT actually restored after his infidelity, your strong reaction to the conversion may really be the "sign" you need to finally end things. And if you're already clearly telling him specifically what is bothering you and he's still insisting that everything's fine / he doesn't know why you're bothered, then it sounds like communication has completely broken down and maybe you are better off apart.

You say your marriage isn't great and I can see why. The real issue here is him not communicating with you and presenting it as a fait accompli. Ditto telling the children about a future holiday without having even mentioned it to you. All when you have been unwell. I'm willing to bet he has behaved this way before.

As pp said, Judaism is incredibly family orientated. If he is really going through the process, the rabbi surely would have talked to him about his family. Has he lied to the rabbi and said you are OK with it? Or pretended to be single?

There's no actual need to get the little digs in and go out of your way to add words like 'fake' and 'imaginary', you know - people who believe in a God or gods are fully aware that many others don't share their beliefs and/or have different beliefs, without feeling the need to point it out at every opportunity.

Yes, I completely agree with this. He has the absolute right to convert if he wants to, but he has no right to 'convert' the whole family - especially without even discussing his feelings and wishes first

Of all religions for a bad husband to convert to, Judaism is probably the 'best', because he wont be able to force you or your kids into it / bully you into wearing a headscarf / be baptised in a river etc.

If he wants to convert he, and he alone, can just go and do it. Conversion to Judaism is difficult and Jews don't encourage people to convert; it's a completely personal choice and includes years of lessons. Your children won't be Jewish (unless they choose to convert as adults and go through the whole difficult process themselves). He can't force a Jewish lifestyle on the rest of his family; Judaism doesn't work like that.

You don't like your husband - you say he has cheated before - this religion change might be a gift for you. You can divorce him with an easy 'excuse'.