AIBU to struggle with my husband changing religion after 20 years?

[help1972]

hello, i have posted about this before been married 20 years and now my husband who was raised christian wants to change his religtion, he started the process while i hve been ill and now is making food from that religtion, i am finding it too much to cope with and he says he does not see what the problem i am not overtly religious but when i ask why? he says he gets satisfaction and purpose.. i feel its a narcisst trait and just want to shout at him

I don’t really understand why this has upset you so much?

Is it part of a much bigger or deeper issue?

I think it does matter. Food, for example, isn't a small thing. Religion often dictates the food you can buy, how it is prepared, even when you can eat. I can't see one person within a family, keeping all of that to themselves and it not bleeding into how the rest of the family lives. And food is just the tip of the iceberg - there are all sorts of practices and rituals around religion. There's no way it can't affect partners and children. Eventually he'll start trying to get you to see life his way/convert because religious people sincerely believe that their view of the world is the right one and also it's just easier to live with people who have a similar outlook.

Changing religion, becoming religious when previously not or losing one's faith, does fundamentally change who a person is. We enter relationships based on shared values - there's a core agreement about who we are. Yes, people can change, but the plan is that you grow together - if one person diverges down a completely different path, it alters the fabric of the relationship.

I couldn't accept it tbh.

another nail in the coffin

but isn’t this a bit over the top ? How does it affect you negatively?? Let him crack on. Is he the type of person who has short lived sudden passions? he’ll probably just move on to something else?

Well it's certainly random but as long as he isn't going to go full zealous convert and follow shabbat really strictly when you all don't.

It's interesting that he started converting when you were unwell Op, do you think the timing is relevant? Is he looking for you and your DC to follow Jewish rules such as observing the Sabbath?

I know three people who converted to different religions to the one they were brought up in, and all announced it as a fait accomplis to family after months of keeping it to themselves.

A crisis of faith or challenging your core spiritual beliefs is quite often a private thing. In my experience the conversations tend to be with a religious leader rather than family and friends.

Which do you feel are not the nicer religions out of curiosity?

Someone who is secretive and then drops bombs on their families (infidelity, converting) sounds a bit unstable. Normal people discuss changing beliefs as they're happening, not just make an announcement like it's a done deal.

@help1972 you said he was raised Christian and you married in a church - but are you actually a religious family?
Do you (did you) attend a church regularly and consider yourselves (as a family) part of a particular community?

this the thing.. i dont feel i can trust him and it hink this is the core bit that is making me feel uncomfortable... but he says that he doesnt see what the problem is but i see him being all about him... and doesnt realise how he is impacting me and the kids - seriously every few hours oh this is x - friday its shabat.. i asked him if he was going to observe all the days - and christmas? our holidays= i jsust feel its too much - i hear what some of you are saying but i think this is it for me and just wante dto rant somewhere i am 4 days post ablation .. and what triggered this is he took the kids swimming and my daughter said oh daddy said we are going to israel next summer.. i hae had enough and he just does not get it

I get not announcing to wider family until they are certain,but surely a person would discuss this with their spouse?

Apparently it is not that easy to convert to Judaism.

How to Convert to Judaism - What to Expect at a Conversion - Chabad.org

There is a lot involved by the looks of it.

To all those saying 'Why should it affect you?' - of course it will.

At the most basic level, ie before you get to a difference in faith beliefs or considering how strictly he is going to observe them, Judaism involves kosher food (slaughtered inhumanely), and the 'rest day/Sabbath being Friday evening to Saturday evening (lots of customs such as restricting activities/eating special food) ... This affects everyone he is living with.

Edit; family Sundays, Christmas ...

Highly delusional.
Is he circumcised? If not, tell him to book a rabbi (mohel) to have one done at home. Invite the family round to watch, and celebrate. 🙄

Your husband doesn’t seem to have ever had faith? So he’s just choosing something for himself now, as opposed to what he was “raised” ( that always confuses me) as.
Tbh as far as changes go, Judaism is probably the closest you’ll find to Christianity. You can’t shoot at him. His life, his choice. As long as he’s not expecting you to go with him, what’s the harm? Hopefully he’s found something that is a meaningful way of building a relationship with God and brings him peace.

I can understand the effects on observing holidays together though.

Kosher food is delicious, but the problem could be that he wants to maintain a fully kosher kitchen, which will impact the entire family.

The more you post the worse he sounds to me. He has absolutely no right to be making decisions about your family with no prior discussion or agreement. Telling your kids he's taking them to Israel would tip me over the edge tbh.

Is he missing something in his life? Maybe he needs to go to a Christian church instead of changing his religion, entirely, because Christianity and Judaism are a million miles apart in theology.

It sounds less like he's seeking God and more like he needs something to believe in on this planet i.e. social or a sense of belonging or needs something to distract him from something he doesn't want to do/feel.

Well there’s a difference between exploring other religions to see what fits and enforcing those beliefs on other people. He can obviously decide to be whatever religion he likes, but the restrictions and observance needs to be discussed as a family as it’s not binary and there are endless compromises.

I am born and raised Jewish, as are my children but we are culturally Jewish and otherwise our lives are much as anyone else’s - we have Christmas with my husband and he has Chanukah with us and we have some traditions, but it’s not restrictive in our daily lives. I was raised quite observant and being Jewish was a core part of our lives - every single day and with every single moment. I didn’t enjoy that so have chosen a different path as an adult. Still Jewish though! So just to say ‘being Jewish’ - or presumably any other religion - could be many different things.

Your children wouldn’t be Jewish unless they converted though so he can’t just bring them along without much more buy in from all of you.

Really though this isn’t much different from deciding to run a marathon or quit your job or move house - you would usually want to discuss this along the way with your partner without assuming the entire family will just flex around you.

Is he actually converting properly (ie attending a Synagogue, taking classes) or is he just trying out a different lifestyle?
I wouldn't be happy with a trip to Israel - not because of the religious side - but the safety aspect (it's a war zone essentially). Have you talked to him about that part?

I can understand this being another nail in a coffin.

He hasn't suddenly decided this, but has treated I as a done deal.

Keep your plans to yourself and decide what you want.

Get well first and refuse to engage.

After all that is going on in the world, this would be 100% marriage ending for me.

I am not religious at all though, so that would be a huge part of it.

Orthodox Judaism and its treatment of women. Salafism in Islam (ditto). Jehovah's Witnesses, 7th Day Adventists, The Brethren.

Op, nothing wrong with changing religion or finding faith again as long he is not preaching to you and making you feel like a second class citizen for not following his faith

@PurpleThistle7 you seem to have a nice life balance with your religion, but in my experience people tend to go full on after a religious conversion. I can see why the Ops wary of this

Converting to Judaism is a lengthy process isn’t it? I can see why you’re concerned about it. It’s very time consuming to convert. Religion is a lifestyle, it can definitely change him as a person especially if he takes it very seriously