AIBU to struggle with my husband changing religion after 20 years?

[help1972]

hello, i have posted about this before been married 20 years and now my husband who was raised christian wants to change his religtion, he started the process while i hve been ill and now is making food from that religtion, i am finding it too much to cope with and he says he does not see what the problem i am not overtly religious but when i ask why? he says he gets satisfaction and purpose.. i feel its a narcisst trait and just want to shout at him

behaviour - any behaviour - affects those we live with
Converting to a new religion will undoubtedly have an impact on your life and his
so, no he can’t just impose his new lifestyle on you
he sounds pretty naive (best case) or doesn’t give a shit about you

What religion is he changing too?
There was obviously something he felt was missing from his Christian community so he has found an alternative.
What is the food that's different?

What does life look like without him?
What do you want in life?
What do you get out of being around him?

Does it matter what the religion is?
Does it matter what the food is?

Hes fundamentally changed who he is. OP can either accept it, adapt and maintain the relationship or leave.

Why does his new religion upset you so much?

Kindness should be observed in any religion. Your DH needs to remember your tolerated best foods for when you are sick and your favourite dishes for when he is cooking for the both of you.

thanks that what it feels like he says he does not see what the problem is .. seriously he is wanting to convert to judasim... which is fine... i have no issue with the relgiion but why after 20 years

I mean, not really? He’s still got the same heart and values. He just believes in a different (fake) man in the sky now.

It isn't narcissistic to retain your right to believe in/follow any faith or none - and to change your mind at any time.

It isn't like your nationality, whereby it's just something that's usually set at birth and doesn't define your identity; religion is something that is massively important to many, many people.

What is ‘food from that religion’? Challah? Keeping kosher? Halal dishes?

its not the religiion its him doing it without saying anything and then annoucing it.. imo i think naive , narccisst and does not see what affect it has on the children, we married in a church and i thought we had the same core values

Well as it's apparently Judaism then it's the same "man".

@help1972 are you a practicing Christian family?
Aren't the "core values" pretty much the same?

Aside from the food, how does this new religion change the way he behaves at home or towards you? If he is still the same person fundamentally the you are being unreasonable. A change in diet isn’t really that big a deal unless he’s forcing you to eat food you hate. If this new religion had meant he’s suddenly become unkind, intolerant, rude, lazy and misogynistic then you are not being unreasonable.
Did he used to be a good husband and now he’s not? Thats the fundamental issue.

well all valid points, he has been unfaithful in the psat and it hink the way he has gone with this next stage has made me feel uncomfortable the secrecy the not talking ab out and then one day saying i m converting to judasim

The only person who can tell you why is your husband. Changing religion is really not narcissistic, just unusual. It doesn’t sound as though he is pressurising you to change. Surely communicating with each other is the way forward. Only when you know what has triggered his desire to convert, and what he expects you to do to accommodate this will you be able to decide if it is a deal breaker.

Yes, same ‘man’.😀

i am asking myself that alot

Are you thinking he's met someone who's turned his head and he's converting for them?
Your marriage doesn't sound great tbh.

why after 20 years

Presumably he has his reasons, you need a proper chat. We can’t tell you why only he can.

So exactly the same. He believes in the same imaginary man and nothing much has changed.

He is entitled to change his religious beliefs, and I don't see anything narcissistic about this.

He is not entitled to force his beliefs on you. Or on your children, though he can talk to them about what he believes.

You are not entitled to dictate what he should believe.

You are entitled to walk away from the marriage if you feel that you are no longer compatible.

What is it about kosher food that upsets you? Ashkenazi and Mizrahi Jewish food is great. (I don't know Sephardic food much)

Judaism is one of the nicer religions, in its Reform incarnation at least. What is your issue with a non-evangelical belief system he's not forcing you to follow?

If he'd joined on the the evangelical religions (i.e. always trying convert new people) I could see how it would be unpleasant. But Judaism? Just accept he has a different belief to you and move on.

Or split up, if it's that big a deal.

yes but he says its to be come fuflilled, satisfied, maybe i am being naive.. etc. yes our marriage isnt great i have been quietl poorly and feel this another nail in the coffin

It does seem quite odd that he literally never mentioned a pull towards Judaism until he announced he’s converting.