AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

"My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. "

Official diagnosis...of what? Say it.
Dad got dementia and for the first couple of years, well before an official diagnosis was even sought (he passed the cognitive tests the first time) let alone delivered (he failed them the next time) there was a lot of euphemistic pussyfooting around in the family and floating in a kind of no man's land of denial. It was fair enough not to say the words "dementia" "congnitive decline" "Alzheimers" (not what he had as it turns out, but a conflation in common usage) or the old fashioned "doting" in front of dad as it would have served no purpose. But I think it's important the rest of the family know and are prewarned properly. I think most of us, well mum mostly, just glossed over and along with phrases like "getting a bit forgetful" and "bit worried about him driving now" because if you acknowledge the elephant in the room, you are acknowleding that it ends with your loved one in a nappy, in a nursing home , barely verbal , getting spoonfed mush and yogurt, unable to rise out of the chair in the dayroom that's shoulder to shoulder with all the other chairs with all the other people in them who also used to be young and strong and smart and kind and living rather than existing.
The start of dementia is awkward because the patient looks and sounds pretty much normal but just lapses into the odd tactless remark...then the filter gets more and more spotty (not consistently at first, which is confusing) till it pretty much goes altogether and whatever in in the person's head just falls out of their mouth.

Does your son know this and does he know that's likely what his grandfather has?
I would not expect the gf to put up with whatever racism, xenophobia and potentially sexism is coming next. If she does know about dementia then perhaps she is afraid that your dad will develop sexual disinhibition too (as some dementia patients do) and she will be expected to put up with crude remarks, be ogled and pawed at while everyone around lets it happen. She had never met your dad before, isn't related to him and owes him nothing and can probably think of better ways to spend her weekends than putting up with what you think is a "lovely family gathering"

His daughter and son in law, the hosts, did nothing to manage the situation and nothing to show the target of the comments support.

This was not a visit to a dementia care home, it was a visit to her boyfriend's parents where his grandfather (who does not have a dementia diagnosis) was allowed to target her with a constant stream of demeaning personal comments and criticism.

This is on the hosts for not mitigating and managing the situation.

“you’re very tall” “you’re so slim, you must never eat” “isn’t it funny how you say (sons) name wrong”

That's quite an onslaught for someone who might be quite shy / self conscious meeting a boyfriend's family for the first time.

You're so slim = factual (but unnecessary personal comment)
you must never eat = intrusive / judgey / comment on behaviour

You have dark skin = factual
Commenting on 'you can't be French' = who is he to tell her her parentage / potentially implying her Dad isn't her Dad / telling her he knows more about skin colour than she does

The whole visit sounds excruciating for her. Your ds tried to rein it in...it would have been better had you taken a moment to explain that his decision making has declined, apologised to her, and managed the situation to have her talk with other relatives and keep him occupied talking to someone else.

I guess your ds was mortally embarrassed to have his Gf subjected to all that.

Whether she was being high maintenance or not - irrelevant because it's what your Ds thinks that matters.

Don't add to the drama, maybe just tell him you know it was all v awkward for his Gf, and you hadn't anticipated quite how personal and over bearing he would be. In a month or so, invite him and Gf out for a meal in a place they would like to visit. It doesn't all have to be 'big family occasions'

Okay so this adds more context and information that probably should have been in the original post. It wasn't one isolated comment, there were several inappropriate comments, over a range of issues - her skin colour, her body (body image - no different to him saying saying she's fat and must eat loads) and the way she speaks. I can understand her feeling uncomfortable and not wanting to go back. Similar posts from women have usually been met with 'your partner should have your back'.

Yes, sorry, have to confess that I hadn’t read all the OP information. I was part way through writing a comment much earlier and got interrupted. You make very fair comment HaveYouFedTheFish, and I totally agree having read all the details.

Your Dad is 85 years old. My Mother is 95 years old and she has absolutely no filter when it comes to making comments. I think it’s just something that happens when people are very elderly. Things that may not have been offensive years ago have been recognised now as being very offensive, but the elderly are still quite stuck in their ways. Your Dad has apologised and I think your son and his girlfriend should try to be a little more understanding and forgiving towards him. He can’t do any more than apologise. Everyone else recognises that what he said sounded offensive but it probably was not meant to be insulting when it popped out of his mouth. I think that they should try and understand that he is an old man and these things happen. I hope that your family find a peaceful resolution.

If she does know about dementia then perhaps she is afraid that your dad will develop sexual disinhibition too (as some dementia patients do) and she will be expected to put up with crude remarks, be ogled and pawed at while everyone around lets it happen

I had exactly the same thought. If her boyfriend's family wont stand up to his rude questions, and he does have dementia, what happens when he starts trying to grope her or touch her inappropriately?

Are his family just going to sit there ignoring him whilst he's touching her inappropriately- after all he's got dementia so it's not his fault and she should just put up with it right? 🙄

he called her tall and slim, rather than short and fat, but yeah. I think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. He was obnoxious, she was overly sensitive.

@Triniette - this is a sensible route forward.

This is just one of many comments here today that completely ignores the fact that racism in Britain right now—not in the 14th century when England expelled all the Jews or during the Windrush scandal when it began deporting, exiling, snd cutting off Caribbean migrants who built postwar England—right niw Britain has a virulently public anti immigrant and anti non white immigrant party. Its on the telly girls! Its in the streets with protests! Public figures pass on messages to burn immigrants in their hitels.

The first step is singeling a person out, the next is telling them to get out. That is lots of people’s experience in modern Britain, Feance, Italy snd the US.

So no, she isn’t overreacting. She is simply reacting. At any rate she has every tight to avoid the nice old man who says rude things to her while the rest of the family smiles vacantly and passes the biscuits.

Similar posts from women have usually been met with 'your partner should have your back
That's true, it's usually "you have a DH problem" as he doesn't stick up for the poster.
This partner does and sounds like he does have her back, and they "need to get over themselves", she's a drama queen, and should "cut him some slack." 🙄

Out of curiosity, do staff do anything to manage things, or do they just let residents say whatever they want to whomever they want?
Even if that was the case (it wasn’t last time I visited), you kind of expect that in such an environment. It comes with the territory. Not so much in family home, where you went to visit your boyfriend’s family for the first time , you were met with a barrage of comments about your skin tone, your height, your weight, your accent ,no one did anything about it and the only apology was forced and insencere.

Have you had an honest conversation with either of them about how this really makes them feel - especially GS?

And too dark to be French/Italian and mocked her inability to say her boyfriend’s name “properly”.

Oh the luxury of not being a carer! Blissful ignorance. Waltzing into a situation and taking immediate offence without using your brain, assessing the situation. Perhaps his girlfriend has had no experience of dementia or disinhibitions amongst the elderly, perhaps she has lived a charmed life so far and not had it tear through her family, or witnessed it from friends family, an ignorance many of us can only imagine. Your son meanwhile is deliberately ignorant, has clearly left you to it to do all the caring, not had a second thought to how your dad’s behaviour would affect you 24/7. No he gets to flounce off to the moral high ground. Deliberately accusing grandad of racism because it wins him a get out of jail free card to isolate you when you probably most need support. He should know better.

Incidental the OP said in her original post she told her father to stop.

She must have felt so conspicuous and like she was being evaluated abd judged the whole time.

In France she would have probably got racist comments about looking like an Arab a lot, idk how Italy is for that, but the French are really bad for it.
Your dad has behaved really badly and it's a shame none of you reigned him in and now this has happened and most of you still don't get it.
Just because it's common for old people with dementia to be less inhibited with their racism, it doesn't mean it's not offensive or hurtful.

Its huge meeting your partners family and it's especially tricky in a second language and culture to navigate. It can be extremely overwhelming even without some racist old man picking on you all evening

You do not pick apart and comment on a young woman's appearance, let alone repeatedly, let alone at first meeting.

Jeez

I think you need to support your son in this, apologise for your dad's behaviour but explain that he can't help it due to his advancing dementia. His GF is right to not put up with it though. I would ask DS if he could visit his grandfather on his own, and for now, let other family members do the hosting if your DF prefers to stay home, so that your DS and is GF can always be there.

Your father wasn't just racist, he made other comments about her as well, her appearance, her accent. If I was her, I wouldn't want to return either.

You need to ensure that you visit DS and her regularly to make sure that you build a good relationship with her away from your father.

You are not being unreasonable to feel hurt. Neither is she however.
Seems to me important that you communicate your own position - it wasn't your comment and you tried to help your dad apologise- plus the impact of diagnosis- people can be much less inhibited- and maybe you go to them and maintain your relationship. . It's impossible for you to cease looking after your dad so they are effectively saying they will never see him.
After some reflection and not being pushed into a corner your son may decide to modify what he does. Younger people often don't think of bereavement and what they want their role to be.
Also would your son have been offering to help more as his dad got iller? Or would he have avoided it?
At this moment your son wants to support his partner against the awful experience of racism and one can't knock him for that. But elderly people develop traits in illness they were never prone to. My mother became highly anxious. Yet she had always coped as a younger woman . If it turns into dementia I hope your son will manage in the future to understand that deep tragedy and find a way to support you as well.

It sounds like your son is more than happy to avoid your ' character' of a father.

Just because it's Grandfather it doesn't mean he has to tolerate disrespectful behaviour and opinions, especially if they are aimed at a guest he has brought.

Mumsnet is always quite keen on ' family' coming first , despite how awful the family member is. I always applaud anyone who stands up to this concept of ' family' being allowed to take the piss, be offensive, be rude, be tight etc.

Family are just people we happen to be related to - if they aren't particularly pleasant they can be avoided, there isn't a law that says you have to be around them.

And he didn't stop. He went on, unimpeded.

Ah, the luxury of being considered British because of the colour of your skin or accent.

No she didn’t . Her son was the only who intervened.

Blimey he sounds like he has been very rude to her, I wouldn’t fancy coming back either….

Which is all very well, but as the OPs update shows it wasn’t one comment, but an entire day of it. So I don’t blame the girlfriend for not wanting to return to their home, certainly so soon , and I think it’s commendable of the OPs son to recognise the effect it’s had on his girlfriend and support her.

Perhaps when more time has passed the son will be happy see his grandfather and family, but I’d be surprised if his girlfriend was in any rush to visit them at home. Nothing stopping the rest of the family meeting with her in other locations though…. But saying she should be more tolerant is victim blaming really. Everyone’s keen to bring up children with boundaries, and quite rightly so. Why should those boundaries be abandoned when you’re a young adult? Life is too short to spend with people that actively make you uncomfortable.

OP's drip feed has coloured the responses. Read all her posts.

Perhaps his girlfriend has had no experience of dementia or disinhibitions amongst the elderly, perhaps she has lived a charmed life so far and not had it tear through her family, or witnessed it from friends family, an ignorance many of us can only imagine

The girlfriend has had plenty of experience of being bullied for her skin colour in school according to @Triniette .
I do not blame her in the slightest for refusing to accept further racist abuse from anyone.